Sunday, April 14, 2013
I have discovered that I have this desire to be believed. For some reason, the very notion that someone might call me a liar or not believe me, bothers me on every level, to the point of distraction. When others don't share my point of view I question whether or not I'm right or even have the right to have a different point of view. I feel distinctly uncomfortable and afraid. I know that it probably goes back to tribalism, if we don't function as a group, we don't function in the group, or we don't get along with each other, it can be disastrous for the group and or our selves. Its a matter of survival. But, I think I take it to extremes. But, maybe I'm projecting my extreme onto others. I am so easily annoyed sometimes. If someone thinks differently than I do, I can be tempted, and often have, completely cut someone out of my life. I just don't want to do the work of forming friendships, spending time, or even looking at someone thats just not a perfect fit. I tend to expect that out of others. I think this all goes back to my perfectionism. I am not always reasonable. I tend to be somewhat black and white about everything. If you don't agree with me about something I think we can't be friends. Religion is always a tricky subject, but unless one attends the same church, has the exact same series of experiences, and draws the exact same conclusions, sharing a world view in common is rare.
I grapple with the juxtaposing desires for friendship (ultimately not being alone) and with the need for setting boundaries with people that I just don't share a world view. I do believe in the soul. I don't believe that we stop just because the body dies. I do also recognize the use of science, the marks of evolution throughout the world, and on top of that I do not accept the notion that I am less than any other creature created. I don't consider myself a deity but I do have a soul and I do exist. I am not just the series of electrical switches in my body and brain. But, the body and soul are in symbiosis, interconnected.
I find myself caring for people that I don't share a world view with. I am learning how to coexist with people who are different from me. Its requiring me to grow up a bit and to learn how to communicate in an effective and appropriate manner.
I used to modify myself to get along with people. Now, I'm learning to phrase how I feel without being superior or inferior. I am learning that I don't have to change who I am in order to have friends or family in my life. What I have come to question is: why should what someone else thinks be the end all be all? Why should I absorb everything around me? I need to set boundaries around my own self.
My mother has a wonderful way with people. She uses a sweet gentle effective manner of communicating that often results in a desired outcome. I am trying to learn to do that instead of being adversarial or combative. Its not really manipulative, its gently explaining your point of view without hitting someone over the head with it and then telling them that they are idiots for not having thought of it sooner and that they don't even deserve to live for not being the same as you. Those unkind and unhelpful implications can often be at the core of 'passive aggressive' behavior. My mother tells me the very fact of me questioning my own behavior proves that I really am a grown up. I worry that I am not enough. That may be one of the psychological elements at the core of my obesity struggle.