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    ALISHAB3   16,648
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Belief

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I have discovered that I have this desire to be believed. For some reason, the very notion that someone might call me a liar or not believe me, bothers me on every level, to the point of distraction. When others don't share my point of view I question whether or not I'm right or even have the right to have a different point of view. I feel distinctly uncomfortable and afraid. I know that it probably goes back to tribalism, if we don't function as a group, we don't function in the group, or we don't get along with each other, it can be disastrous for the group and or our selves. Its a matter of survival. But, I think I take it to extremes. But, maybe I'm projecting my extreme onto others. I am so easily annoyed sometimes. If someone thinks differently than I do, I can be tempted, and often have, completely cut someone out of my life. I just don't want to do the work of forming friendships, spending time, or even looking at someone thats just not a perfect fit. I tend to expect that out of others. I think this all goes back to my perfectionism. I am not always reasonable. I tend to be somewhat black and white about everything. If you don't agree with me about something I think we can't be friends. Religion is always a tricky subject, but unless one attends the same church, has the exact same series of experiences, and draws the exact same conclusions, sharing a world view in common is rare.

I grapple with the juxtaposing desires for friendship (ultimately not being alone) and with the need for setting boundaries with people that I just don't share a world view. I do believe in the soul. I don't believe that we stop just because the body dies. I do also recognize the use of science, the marks of evolution throughout the world, and on top of that I do not accept the notion that I am less than any other creature created. I don't consider myself a deity but I do have a soul and I do exist. I am not just the series of electrical switches in my body and brain. But, the body and soul are in symbiosis, interconnected.

I find myself caring for people that I don't share a world view with. I am learning how to coexist with people who are different from me. Its requiring me to grow up a bit and to learn how to communicate in an effective and appropriate manner.

I used to modify myself to get along with people. Now, I'm learning to phrase how I feel without being superior or inferior. I am learning that I don't have to change who I am in order to have friends or family in my life. What I have come to question is: why should what someone else thinks be the end all be all? Why should I absorb everything around me? I need to set boundaries around my own self.

My mother has a wonderful way with people. She uses a sweet gentle effective manner of communicating that often results in a desired outcome. I am trying to learn to do that instead of being adversarial or combative. Its not really manipulative, its gently explaining your point of view without hitting someone over the head with it and then telling them that they are idiots for not having thought of it sooner and that they don't even deserve to live for not being the same as you. Those unkind and unhelpful implications can often be at the core of 'passive aggressive' behavior. My mother tells me the very fact of me questioning my own behavior proves that I really am a grown up. I worry that I am not enough. That may be one of the psychological elements at the core of my obesity struggle.


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MORTICIAADDAMS 4/16/2013 8:52AM

    Your mom sounds wonderful. You are right. Getting along with others who are different than we are is important.

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EDDYMEESE 4/16/2013 12:39AM

    I can relate to a lot of what you said, although I've learned to keep my mouth shut and listen, lol. I used to be very black & white about a lot of things, mostly political and to be honest, I was an extremist. But through my experiences, I've learned that life just isn't black & white. I do try to surround myself with people who share at least some general core values. I couldn't be friends with someone who doesn't like animals. I couldn't be friends with people who are against my country (a controversial little one in the Middle East). I don't like stupid people in the sense that I have no reason to sit and hold a conversation with them. I can say I've pretty much written off anybody that I consider "trash", if you know what I mean. If you do drugs I automatically don't like you. I'm not impressed with people who get hammered on a regular basis. Do you see where this is going, lol? You're not alone. Anybody who reads my post probably thinks, "what a snob!" Well, you know what? I probably am. I have a few good, close friends and that is about it. I have family who I love and they love me. What more does a person need? My husband is VERY different from me in that sense. He will be friends with anybody and takes pride in having so many, even though many turn out to be toxic (I'll refer you to a recent blog of mine...my world turned upside down). Anyway, my point is this: you are who you are. Don't feel guilty about that. Maybe you feel lonely sometimes because you are so picky and quite honestly, judgmental. I'm the same way. But the world can be a big, bad place and you're better off with those few people who will have your back than the many who won't.

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APPLEPIEAPPLE 4/14/2013 7:04PM

    Sometimes we need to remove toxic people from our lives. Maybe not entirely but reduce the time spent with them so that we can live our own lives better. But be sure you are not just finding excuses to avoid people. That can make you more lonely. As a society we need to experience the differences between ourselves and others so that we may learn and improve ourselves. Differences are not bad unless the others make you feel bad about yourself or stress you or try to control you. Then they are toxic.

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