Sunday, April 14, 2013
Thank you ALL for the hugs, prayers, love and support!!
Thursday, when George and Theo came out to tell me the the "Love of my Life" had died...it felt like a freight train had hit me - full force in the chest. It took my breath away...
It would have been so easy to just curl into a ball and want to follow Wayne...because half my heart died with him! All our hopes and dreams were snatched away...much too soon.
But in this 'Assisted Living place' (AKA - Hell) - there is plenty of time to stop and reflect on life. And the more I thought about it...I knew that God took him home, because he knew I would never be able to handle that whole end-of-life scenario. That sitting by the bedside watching your loved one waste away...that was never something I could handle.
Although any loss is too great to bear - when you surround yourself with others the burden can be shared. The load doesn't seem quite as heavy when you surround yourself in love and support from other people in your life.
Friday was a day of sadness and every time I needed to be near Wayne, I called his cellphone just to hear his voice.
Saturday was better than Friday.....the more I talk about Wayne, the easier it has been to get in touch with my feelings. I've shared my news with a few people here and they have surrounded me in hugs...the healing process has already begun.
Saturday night I asked Shery - Wayne's sister - if she would fly to Arizona? I needed answers and I need her to bring him home...I will pay for everything. She wasn't satisfied with the little bit of information that we had and had already called the County Sheriff's department in Tucson asking similar questions.
We now know that Wayne died peacefully in his sleep and I'm thankful that he was with someone that could call for help. If this had happened at home, he may have laid there for many days before someone found him.
My inability to get around - because of this wheel chair, has kept a distance between us...that frustrated both of us. We were just starting to work towards getting my independence back and I will definitely continue the process.
Wayne's family is totally keeping me in the center of all plans - for his Memorial service and beyond. Although Wayne & I were never married, we did have 36 awesome years together and for that I am blessed! They treat me as if I was his wife and are honoring him by keeping me tucked safely within their family unit!
I told Shery that Wayne's ashes needed to be taken home with her. Wayne & I had started looking for a house last year, some place in a DARK SITE (non light polluted area). We were planning on building an Observatory as he was into Astrophotography.
My only request was that a small part of Wayne's ashes be placed in a Rocket. His nephews - Rick, Shane, Tim and Joe need to be present. His ashes need to be shot up into space..."to the final frontier". And these young men need to give Wayne a proper - Nerd Uber Sendoff!!! I WILL make certain that it happens and they will all totally understand why!!!
While Shery will be taking a larger amount of Wayne's ashes home to the farm. There will be 3 smaller urns for Me, George and Tim...to do as we please. So, I will have a bit of Wayne's ashes buried with me when I die....and we will be back together again.
I grew up with so much negativity in my life and now I have been surrounded by so much love from his family. I had no idea they felt so strongly for me and that they would honor Wayne by making me feel like a part of their family.
Wayne's nephews have already informed me that whatever I need - they will take care of me for life. That my needs are only a phone call away...I am so blessed.
Whenever I need to feel close to Wayne....I only have to look upward, find the brightest star and know that Wayne is shining brightly down on me - guiding me with his light.
One of you told me that "Wayne is not gone ~ he is as close as a whisper, a smile and a song."