I am just going to save this now...and continue on it as time goes by in the next hour or two, so don't be surprised if things change while you are actually read this one.
Well, because at 4am, when I couldn't sleep - I poured my heart out into a blog and when I hit 'post' ...well...it was just not there.
It has happened before to me. Maybe I just take to long to post a blog...because I actually THINK and PROCESS while I write things out.
And this , btw, is me being PISSED because this one was awwwweeesssooooommmme.
And now it is gone.
Sure...I can repeat it, but it just won't be the same. I'm hitting POST now...let's see what happens.
WELL WELL WELL....it seems that anything written under 2 minutes is saved! AMAZING! LOL
Yes, you are hearing sarcasm OOOOOZING out of my fingertips because there is nothing more annoying that pouring ones heart out and then having it erased. Like I said, it has happened more that once to me. Maybe it's the Safari platform I am using. Maybe I am just too wordy. Maybe there is a conspiracy theory out there that would suit my frustrated needs better...like aliens from Mars are stealing my words to write a ghostwriter book without me knowing it.
The deleted blog I was talking about was about my being sad. Funny how that changed over to being MAD as hell. So therefore, I must conclude that I am having raging PMS.
Yup....I get that way. Sweet little old me can be sarcastic, pissy, and grumpy all in a 12 hour time span ...and to keep my family happy today, I am trying to bite my tongue at all of their small things they do that are being zoomed in one hundred fold because of my heightened hormal state.
See....I am sensitive like that. (Hitting the POST button again.)
AHA! It's saved again! Thank got for the EDIT button!!!
I know I am not the only one who experiences this on websites. I don't know what it is, but seriously... it can get SO frustrating! Like filling out a form and then the whole thing is just gone because you clicked the "back" button.
I was on a site the other day....took 40 minutes to get things just so and I hit send...and poof! Error. Ugh. Computers are great but not when stuff like that happens.
I sound like a broken record. Sorry.....it's the hormones talking. LOL
So back to the sad 4am blog.
I woke up sad.
Yesterday, it hit me at work that I was saying good-bye forever to people who have been in my life for 22 years. Figure 8 people a day, 3 days a week, for the next 6 weeks, I will be saying good by to many many more people. That's part of being in a service industry and then retiring/closing the office you are in...it's about closure, it's about sending everyone off on the right foot; it's about being encouraging and supportive to these people, but when you turn around... sometimes YOU are the one who needs the support.
_______ posting again, please stand by______
So yesterday, I said good-bye to a 23 year old woman who I will forever remember as a 10 year old....maybe even younger...like 6. I gave her a hug and just started crying, and so did she...and so did her mother, who happened to be going to our office since she was 8 years old.
The overflow valve on all of the pressure steamer finally gave way. Heck, just writing this makes me tear up. Hormonal mess, like I said.
While I totally get that closure is important and moving on is important...sometimes the emotions of things just sneak up and then you realize that some of the behaviors going on....and totally linked to those emotions....yup, I am talking about emotional eating. I wasn't even aware of it until this morning.
__________________ posting again....please stand by_______
This stress is completely different from the stress I had 2 months ago. The emotional eating that happened 20 years ago, which I THOUGHT was under control is peaking its ugly head out from under a rock...the only difference now is that I see it.
I acknowledge you - you ugly bastardo!
And sure, I am here on Spark, but not as a truly active, work through your stuff Sparker - I have been hanging out here as support, but let me tell you guys...I'm coming back with a need for support....big time.
This life transition might take me for a loop if I am not careful. I am aware of it, and that is half the battle, but even so, it is scary. I am scared. While I possess TONs of positive energy...there is that doubt that things can hit the fan. That is scary.
Add that scary on top of sad... not a good combo to keep bottled up inside.
______posting again....please standy by______
Basically....that was what I was posting at 4am that got deleted. This stuff above..typed uber fast and off the cuff of what I remembered...what I wanted to convey, but in a nutshell.
And I know that this is probably the most bizarre blog I have ever written too....but getting it out is better than bottling it up inside. Hey, I talk the talk to others....so here I am to walk the walk! Cathartic is the word...it's good to get it out there.
Hey. I never said life was peachy keen and all sunshine and roses, now did I ? Life is messy, scary, hard...but it's also wonderful, crazy, beautiful and exciting.
That last part is something I have to remember when I get hormonal like this. Now...it's time to yell at a lacrosse gave and then mulch the yard...exersion at it's finest!
Thanks for listening and I hope you had some fun with this crazy post!