Sunday, April 14, 2013
If not for sparkpeople, it would have been 35 pounds gained, not ten... Before I was able to get some motivation back. I have gone through so much angst. I have been dealing with the external changes of weight loss and loss of invisible -ness. I have a hard time dealing with people asking me how much weight have I lost. I keep getting a rush of rage and defensiveness, thinking they really want to know just how fat was I ? Join sparks and find out,. Hah! They all ask , How? Sparkpeople, I reply. Their interest fades... They are only lookie loos. Loss of self. I am no longer the fat friend. Lost friends. Who am I? Not thin, but no longer huge. I am 12 pounds from going from obese to overweight in my BMI. Who knew that would be such an achievement ? My Mother and younger Sister respect me, more since I have lost weight.... And that hurts me and enrages me at the same time. I think I am the same person, but I have finally come to the conclusion that I am not really the same person I used to be. So, I am in training for who I am striving to become. I learned that from reading all of the blogs this past month. I have been roaming around, joining others who are lost, and reading blogs from those who had located their new compass or direction. I delved into my ah ha moment... I am addicted to food, and weight loss is the external sign of recovery. I learned that I have been brainwashed into thinking I am destined to be fat. I have learned tricks to change my mental thoughts, attitude, and compulsions. Trouble is, I hate the thought that I am an addict, even if it is the truth! I just want to be normal. Turns out, there is no normal. Just people living life and overcoming their internal demons. My bad habits and old who I used to be thoughts and patterns make me fat, unhealthy, and unhappy. I am not a fun person to be with, and my whole focus is food and eating, me who I used to be. I could so easily backslide, but I never can shake the spark, so I haunt the site looking for more direction. My husband tries to gently push me back towards health and weight loss , as 8 pounds are added to my frame . My face actually fills out and I start looking younger as my wrinkles are puffed up and my sagging neck skin is filled in with fat. I realize that I actually like my face better, now than ten pounds ago. I read another blog where someone is waiting for their skin to catch up with their weight loss. I completely understand. Thanks for making me less lost in the new world of weight loss, fat burning . Remember where I came from, a slogan tells me. I remember shame and guilt, who wants to go there? Another round of reading to reconcile that conundrum , so I can actually feel prideful of my efforts , as I shove back my fear of re gaining all of my lost weight. More blogging to get past the fear. New slogan... What makes you think you won't be able to deal with the future? Well, I have been carrying around ten additional pounds since New Years. I hate to think my solution to future problems is weight gain. Another round of reading blogs and absorbing wisdom.
Finally, I have come out of the tunnel of lost direction and into the light of future bliss. Live for today, so that a year from now my future self will say thank you. Yes, another slogan. They are my guideposts on this highway to health and tomorrow. Track each mouthful , every day. Do not stop tracking after dinner, and then binge, splurge, or indulge. Call it like it is. In my mouth, on the tracker. Eat the #€ŁĄ^|~* vegetables with every meal , yes, every meal . Eew, I had easily forgotten to eat lots of them. Fruits, not as satisfying as bagels, brownies, and other "B" words, but better than nothing. The words of truth. Sugar addiction. Ok, not so edgy as heroin, but just as dangerous. I have never tried heroin, but my guess is, I would not become addicted, because nothing, to my mind, is better than chocolate . So, avoid sugar like I avoid heroin . I am taking the thirty day challenge ,(another blog), and cleaning up my sugar usage with only natural, non crave able foods. I have yet to roam the streets looking for cucumber, lettuce , celery, or radishes. There must be some truth in all of those articles about MSG, processed foods, and fast food items, otherwise, WHY DON'T I CRAVE APPLES?
I am not at my goal weight, but I am no longer who I used to be. I have too much knowledge and experience from sparkpeople to comfortably go back to being the fat girl. I will go forward into the future, and become a healthier version of who I am in training for. I am not Me, yet. I am going to stretch each muscle per day- another challenge from another team- and hope to find myself one day. I am setting out two jars for a visualization - another blog. I am going to pay myself, the fat one will pay the thin one, or vice versa, for each pound lost, and each exercise session completed. Lastly, I will never forget why I started... I actually had forgotten . I had wanted a facelift. Somewhere that goal/prize was taken off the table. It is back on.