Well, I finally know why I have been in a funk. The recent oral surgery (over a week ago now) on my gums has opened up an old PAINFUL memory. Since I had to make myself keep my mouth open for 4 hours then another 2 hours getting everything out (packing, stitches, cleaning) stuff came up when I was 2 having to keep my mouth open. It is not appropriate to say what happened but know it was not good, for a 2 year old being forced to keep her mouth open for up to 15 men. Well, that is all I will say.
During the time I was trying to keep my mouth open for the stitches removal. My mouth was shaking uncontrollably and I did not know why. I just thought I was scared of any pain.
It has taken 54 years for this memory to come out and boy it was a doozy. I woke up this morning crying and finally work my hubby up to hold me and I cried another hour after that. I am sure glad this is over.
After spending 2 hours last night and 3 more today with my therapist, plus hours more of tears. I finally feel like me again. I have been in a panic all week every time I left my house. Either to take my son to school or to even go to work. I felt such a deep despair and panic that I could not understand. I thought I was going crazy. I have prayed, meditated, asked the angels for guidance and help but did not feel any better. All I get is that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I just felt so alone and disconnected for some reason.
It sure is amazing just how Spirit works and how guided things are at just the right time huh. I had no idea what was happening but It was like a book opening up chapter by chapter. A book of horrific memories locked in my brain and body for 54 years. It felt like it happened today instead of those days.
I am truly blest and thankful how everything opened up at the perfect time. How the people in my life where there at just the right time from the peridontontist to my therapist to my hubby.
Now I know what it feels like for those who are afraid to leave their own home. I feel for them.
Gosh, I am just so lucky, so blest.... tears...... I was able with this memory to see my mother for who she was. For releasing the guilt and shame that I felt was my fault when I had nothing to do with it in the first place. I truly love my mom but now I can let go the fantasy mom I always wanted and needed. I can be my own mom and love myself, mother my own self and stop punishing my body. This hidden shame and pain I have been holding on all these years. I have worked so hard to get this excess weight off but keep putting a little back on then off then on again. Maybe with this, I can keep it off.
My heart is open wide as well as my eyes. This was HUGE for me. I have a lot to think about and still heal. just WOW!!!!
I hope I didn't offend anyone with this, I hope it helped you in some small way, maybe even open your eyes and heart to let go as well. To not be so hard on yourself, to open yourself up to loving your body no matter what shape and size it is. There is a reason for it, a reason you are who you are even if you don't know why, it doesn't matter. Bless yourself and every part of your body every day.
I bless you!!!!
this is me at age 2. It helps me to see just how small I was and nothing was my fault.