I have never felt so alone
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Before I get started - I'm still awaiting the pancreatic enzyme results - I'll keep you updated when I find out. Hopefully it shouldn't be too much longer!! The nurse said she'll call me as soon as they come in, but since it is a send out, it takes a little bit longer than an in house test.
But to the point: I feel so alone right now and I've never felt like this before. Ok, maybe I have, but I've always ignored it. I don't know. Maybe I'm just becoming more aware. I talked to my therapist yesterday about my disordered eating habits, not in a whole bunch of detail though, just that I've realized that when I eat too much crappy food, it's because I dissociate. It's SO frustrating. When that other part of me takes over, whether due to my other issue or to the food, I don't remember it. When I'm able to fight it, I have a panic attack and get on the verge of tears and then enter this middle state of partial dissociation (possibly because I've realized that the urge is real and by fighting it, then I'm acknowledging that it's actually there, and that realization is just as intense as having that other part of me take over). But then when that other part of me does take over, I don't quite remember what happens - like I'm aware, but it isn't REALLY me, it's that other part of me. But then it's over, the urge is gone, and I feel like crap, both physically and mentally. It's awful. Both options are equally awful - except having that other part of me takes over does physical damage, and fighting the urge is terribly emotionally draining. So now the next step in therapy is to work on feeling safe, because quite frankly, I guess I don't. I'm always living in a state of fear of when those other parts of me are going to become unbearably strong, when I'm not going to 100% remember what is happening, when I'm not going to feel like myself, etc. And right now, having just eaten way too much food, my stomach is killing me and I don't even really remember eating the amount that I did. At least the scale is maintaining around 150-155, but I HAVE to get back down to 140 because being around 140 means having my jeans fit and being around 155 means having my jeans be slightly too tight to wear. Blaghdafdak;fdjas;
But I just feel like no one understands. Ok, I know my therapist does, but other people? No, they don't get it. I can't talk to them about it (even though I want to), but they won't get it. Even though I know I don't have DID, maybe I do. It's so conflicting, so annoying, so much fighting. How much tension can my mind take??
And did I mention I keep seeing things? Not like full bodied things, but stuff out of the corner of my eye. Like blobs floating in mid air, and then I look up and it's gone. I know this is normal every once in a while, but it's happening multiple times a day. Just adds to the whole crazy feeling.
And to make it worse, I've mentioned this on a support group for those with derm and a newcomer has joined the group. She's convinced that I have reactive hypoglycemia and that I dissociate and binge due to my blood sugar being low. I'm getting sick of her suggesting this and I've made it clear that my blood sugar is normal, yet she keeps on suggesting it. I'm just ignoring her responses now, that's all I can do.