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    NAIRAHMAN   4,838
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My Accountability/Reali
zations Part 3


Saturday, April 13, 2013

I decided to make a part 3 based on some of the comments I got in part 2 (Thank you for those of you who did have the patience to read through those long posts and comment as well!)

I completely agree that a "flip" was needed. I have already implemented this in my life. I realized when I didnt die - that my dad is older and I would hate to never see him again if he would pass away having the relationship that we had then. So, I did exactly what you suggested - I call him just to see how his day went, I tell him that I love him and do not wait for a reply, etc.

My dad is not a bad person. In his culture, beating your children was a way of life and "love" was a foreign concept. You had a DUTY to your children, but you did not LOVE them. Very different things. It's amazing actually to look at the cultural differences between Americans and other cultures.

Anyways - I think I mentioned that I would not change my childhood if I was given a choice. My dad taught me so many valuable lessons (even though he may have taught them in inappropriate ways). I am who I am today, because of him. And many of his lessons were good ones. (Many were not). But I appreciate the fact that my dad felt that he had a duty towards his children, so I had a home, clothes, food, I NEVER had to worry about money, etc. We traveled A LOT and got to experience beautiful and crazy places both in and out of the United States (which is my fondest childhood memory actually).

My dad is not a bad person - he was raised differently and didnt realize that raising us in the United States with a different cultural undertone would cause significant problems. Keep in mind too, my mom comes from a different culture as well, so we had 3 different cultures intermingling - and that was the root of all of the problems.

I appreciate what I have in my life -
The comment about looking at the good things is 100% true. I actually have a jar in my house and everytime something good happens in my life, I write it on a little piece of paper and put it in the jar. Then when I am feeling sad or down, I can open the jar and appreciate the good things that have happened so far this year. On New Years Eve, I will have a whole jar of amazing things to read.

My husband is wonderful.
Even though money is tight, I have the essentials.
My mom and sisters and I are very close.
My dad and I are closer than we ever have been.

The purpose of this post was really to admit that with all that I have to be appreciate of... it was not letting go of the pain and hurt of my past, that was preventing me from reaching my ultimate weight loss goals.

It is hard to say that actually... out loud - but it is the truth. I know I can conquer these last 25 lbs if I remember that food has a facade. It feels like it has always been there, but garbage food is really just a temptation that in the end is poisoning my ultimate hopes and dreams.

Yesterday was also a flip point - a reminder that I have the strength to overcome these obstacles - I just have to CHOOSE to overcome them.

Thanks for the comments. :)
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WRENNI 4/19/2013 12:17AM

    Thanks for sharing your story. I think alot of people don't consider their experiences/emotions to play into their physical ailments but I believe health is holisitic - mind, body, spirit - if one is off, it affects all the others. Acceptance and accountability for our own actions is very difficulty for us to manage as well. People may show their love and strange and inappropriate ways but there is a reason we act the way we do and I am glad you cant realize that in your relationships with your family members. I read a quote today on spark people, can't remember the exact saying but it implied: you won't love and accept yourself later in your weight loss journey if you don't love and accept yourself now. Most of the time, it doesn't really matter what others think of you, love yourself and show love to others; it makes all the difference.

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BTLNSDOLFIN 4/17/2013 11:03PM

    I have been feeling similar stresses this past week too. My crazy busy life and digging deeper into my weight loss journey has also been emotionally taxing for me. I'm glad you shared your story with us even though you don't know most of us that well. I have done that before and although it is hard, it feels good and empowering to get it out in the open. I'm always surprised by people's reactions (in a good way). People are kinder, more understanding, and more empathetic and encouraging than I give them credit for. My dad and I have also had a harder time relating and I also have trouble with perfectionism and comparing myself to my awesome younger brother. I was born with a disability and required a lot of care from my parents. When I grew up and could do things for myself, it was hard for them to let go and let me make my own mistakes. Also, I was bullied at school for four years to the point I started thinking about suicide. That's where my eating habits started to get out of control. Food made me feel good (for the moment) and no matter how I was feeling, food made it better. Then guilt and disappointment set in when I realized I was gaining weight, but perhaps ironically I turned to food to deal with those feelings as well. Perhaps the hardest part of my weight loss journey is that I find it hard to feel things without food, if that makes sense. If I'm happy, I have to feel it by eating junk. If I'm depressed, I drown my sorrows in crap. If I'm angry or stressed, I work it out by eating what I shouldn't. Now that I'm not turning to food, I have to find my footing all over again and decide what I WILL turn to.Not feeling anything is not an option. Personality-wise I cannot shut that off easily, nor do I want to. All I can say is "Hang in there!" My dad used to say, "sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better" and also my favorite "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Knowing the mental enemy you are facing is half the battle, so at least you've got that much. It may take the rest of your life to fully defeat your demons, but we are all a work in progress. Every time I think I'm close to healing the scars from my past and moving on, I find new ones or old ones come bursting open. It's tough, but like another teammate said, you have some really great people in your life who love you and encourage you. That makes all the difference in the world. I'm proud of you for all that you've accomplished and the wonderful person you've become. I am confident that if you keep taking those steps towards being healthier that you will reach your goals. emoticon emoticon

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CAGMUAHFO2 4/17/2013 10:13AM

    There are times when we just need to tell our story!! I want to say thank you for sharing yours and opening up. It can be difficult to do that. emoticon

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LISA_SUMNER08 4/15/2013 1:15PM

    Thank you for sharing your story. I find myself relating to it a lot! I realize that my weight loss issue has a lot to do with past emotional and mental states that I have not fully let go of. You sharing your journey has inspired me to look into mine and finally put things to rest finally.

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