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My Accountability/Reali
zations Part 2

Saturday, April 13, 2013

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It feels good to say that, because for once I am making myself accountable for my weight gain... but it hurts me too... because for all of the reasons my father thinks I am a failure at life... THIS is probably the only one that actually is a resounding failure. I have not taken accountability (up until this point) for my weight gain.

That ends today.

I joined the spring challenge - and even though I try to be accountable to my team, the reality is, I can get in my cardio, my yoga workouts, etc... but without facing the fact that their are underlying issues to my weight journey - I am not really a good teammate. I guess deep down I knew this challenge would be like all the rest, lose a little, gain more back, lose a little, gain more back... and this challenge so far has followed the pattern. I turn to food, because food has never let me down (in the sense that even if it made me sick, it was always there when I needed something, something stable. My mom was too, but for a long time, I blamed her for the continued abuse. I couldnt understand how a woman could watch her husband beat her children for 18 years and just let it happen - but when I got older, I realized, she didnt even see it. Her mind turned it off like it was never happening - her coping mechanism... At the time, I blamed her for that... but I understand it more now as an adult. So during that time, I was alone. My older sister and I (who got the brunt of the abuse since my disaster younger sister was my dad's angel) pushed each other away, because our alliance in my dad's eyes was considered mutiny against him...

Now, we could not be closer...

But food was there through all of that.

Today, after I ate myself sick at the buffet, I felt like that sick feeling was a punshment. A reminder that eating crappy food is not good in ANY regard for my health and goals. But, then I came home, did cardio and yoga, and ate a huge bowl of chips and salsa. Sick feeling returns... I just go to bed to avoid it. I wake up at 2AM getting physically sick in the bathroom because my body is rejecting the garbage I decided to eat throughout the day. And still, I view this as a punishment for my bad decisions. See, everything in my life that happened that was negative, was a punishment in my eyes for my wrongdoing - because I never learned that bad things can happen to good people. I learned that bad things happen to people who deserve bad things. SO when I got beaten, it was instilled in me that it was my wrongdoing that caused that beating. That frame of thinking follows me to this day.


Logically, I understand now that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and it is not things that they deserve. Emotionally, I still struggle with that concept ONLY when it comes to me. I always feel like I did something awful to deserve the beatings as a child, the kidney disease, etc.

Today, as Jillian was yelling at a contestant about opening up and admitting what it was in her life that drove her to weight gain, I realized that "I was that contestant." I cannot get better, until I face the facts, and admit why my relationship with food is so terrible.

Tomorrow starts a new day. My plan moving forward is to be a better teammate in this challenge - stay accountable and remind myself that although my unhealthy relationship with food has followed me for 25 years, it can end now if I am determined to FACE THE DEMONS.

I am determined, to face these demons.

I can't say I will ever let go of wanting to please my dad. I will make myself miserable probably to the day he dies trying to hear just once "Good job, I'm really proud of what you've accomplished."

My dad told me he loved me once in my lifetime - it was the night the ER doctor's told him I might die.

That's a hard memory for me to remember. There is so much pain in those words.

I am not fat because of my dad. I am fat because I didnt deal with the dysfunction of my relationship with my dad. It is not on him, it is on ME.

I am 25 lbs away from reaching my goal weight of 105. I can do that by this summer if I really try. I have been drinking a ton of water, I have been eating healthy foods (and unhealthy foods), I have been trying to get more sleep.

The stress of a full time job, school, and dealing with all of my emotional issues is weighing on me heavily and I know that the stress is starting to cause health problems in me as well.

But I am determined to make this challenge really count.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm sure that this was tough to write out and share, but I'm so proud of you for doing it! I've tried to figure out what has brought me to my weight and body shape, but so far I still haven't been able to figure out the mental/emotional reasons. Reading your post has made me want to try to delve into it more, somehow.

    Good luck with facing down your demons! Remember that you have tons of people cheering you on!
    1799 days ago
    I was surprised at how much I was able to relate to in your post. I also came from a similar background (although my father was never physical with me aside from an occasional spanking when I was a small child). My mother coped by eating, and I learned my eating habits from her, while my father and I battled through my entire adolescence. Now, as an adult, I want to have a better relationship with my father. I understand why he was so hard on me, and while he did not go about it in the right way, I know he was trying to make me a good person. It didn't help that my mother and I teamed up against him, and I am sure that he felt alone as well. So here we are, three people who have felt alone for over 15 years: my father and mother, etch alone in their marriage, and myself, an only child trying to live up to impossible expectations. I should mention that all of us are over-weight.

    Congratulations on all that you have accomplished so far! Hugs for all that you have been through! Love for your bravery in being so honest emoticon !
    1799 days ago
    Hmm, I've been wondering how to suggest a "flip", like flipping a coin, so that you can see things in a different way. It was hard, it took some thought, but, then I thought .... your dad didn't tell you he loved you until told you were about to die. There's your flip point.

    Tell him, every time you see or talk to him. I love you, dad.

    Then walk off, or ring off.

    Don't expect him to tell you. Don't wait for him to answer you. Just tell him (oh, and tell your mom and both your sisters).

    Try it.

    I think your dad hasn't been positively parented, and maybe never got told he was loved.

    You've had a lot of difficulties in your life. You've come through, against all expectations.

    Time to make with the gratitude attitude?
    You have a wonderful husband, who treats you like a princess
    You're alive
    You have a comfortable bed (home?)
    You have enough to eat
    You have clean water
    You have a great brain
    You had a great education
    You have a great job
    You have .....

    1799 days ago
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