First of all, thank you so much to all those who expressed support, commiserated, etc. on my last blog. It means a lot to know that there are other people out there battling with these demons, and I really do believe that we are all in various stages of winning this fight!
So just in terms of updates, because there were too many to stick in one status...
I haven't binged in over a week, since I told my husband about it. That's a bit miraculous considering Monday was his birthday and we've had ridiculously yummy treats around (homemade monkey bread, brownies, 2 kinds of homemade ice creams). Basically, I just acknowledged that I would be eating those things each day and worked them into my meals. Why bother pretending I'd be able to resist when I KNOW I wouldn't be able to? I didn't WANT to expend all my energy trying not to binge on something instead of just allowing myself to have some. On the first day of monkeybread (sounds like a bizarre holiday song!), I budgeted 900 calories for it. I ate my fill, and I only wanted smallish servings for the rest of the time it was around. Duh, I know, but these are big steps for me!
There was one time when I felt slightly bingey. I was home alone, and I was in the kitchen making a marinade. (Home alone + in the kitchen = huge binge triggers!) All of a sudden, I couldn't stop thinking about the birthday treats I had planned to eat after dinner and I decided to just eat them right then. I'd say I was about 85% in control... I didn't eat unplanned calories or let the treats lead me to gorging on whatever I could find, but I did have that slightly numbed out brain feeling. Baby steps.
Anyway, I should note that all of those treats are now gone, thanks in large part to my husband. They were good, but it's a lot easier to plan a healthy day's meals without having to factor in ice cream. And brownies.
I made an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders! (She actually said, "Oh, binge eating disorder is my favorite!" when I told her what the problem was... LOL) I see her on Tuesday night, and I am both excited and nervous. I'm nervous that she'll tell me this is all in my head and I just need to have some willpower or work harder. (This is highly unlikely.) I'm also nervous that she will tell me to stop tracking, because I know how quickly I fall off the wagon when I do that. Honestly, at this point I've done so much self-evaluation and exploration of this issue that I feel like I know exactly WHY I binge. I'm more interested in her ideas for how to stop. We'll see how it goes... I'm mostly really excited.
I'm going to start doing a work exchange at a local fitness studio! That means I'll spend a couple hours there on Monday nights to check in some classes/man the desk, and I get 2 free Zumba classes per week in exchange. I am SO excited!! I really love Zumba when it's taught well, and I happen to know that this teacher is both fun and a HUGE @ss-kicker. Looking forward to getting that going!
I finally decided to face the music, and I took a picture of myself in my "skinny" jeans from 2011 (when I was 10 lbs lighter). My husband seemed to think I was doing it to torture myself, but actually, I'm trying to find ways to measure progress that aren't based on the scale. The irrational perfectionist part of my brain goes haywire when the scale doesn't reflect my efforts after more than a couple days, so I'm anticipating the psychologist telling me to back off of it for awhile. Anyway, I won't be posting this picture on Spark anytime soon, but maybe I'll reconsider once those jeans start fitting again!
As always, that ended up being a way longer update than anticipated, but it turns out that I had a lot to say! Sometimes I feel like I exhaust my husband, my mother, and the couple friends I have who are close enough to talk about this stuff with. They'd never say that I do (well, my husband does sometimes), but I don't want to inundate them with this stuff every 5 minutes. It really helps me feel calm and in control to have a safe place to vent my thoughts, so thanks for bearing with me.