Friday, April 12, 2013
Ok, I'm sure many people have experienced this, but it is bugging the heck out of me right now and I need to vent. I am so far on day 3 of not bingeing, and I feel way fatter than usual.
It could be water retention, it could be all in my head (we all have our good days and bad days, and I recognize that when I'm not in a good mood, I totally perceive myself as bigger), but whatever it is, damn you freaking brain and body, cut it out! By the way, the therapy group voice in my head is telling me "fat is not a feeling"...I know, I know. Just thought I'd share that in case anyone else found it amusing. :)
I should be proud of myself for not bingeing. I generally feel less bloated when I don't binge. I know I'm not going to see results in 3 days, and I'm reminding myself again of the quote: "If you focus on results you will not see change. If you focus on change you will see results"...and it's not going to be immediate. I just need to keep working on my behaviors and trust the logic that (barring totally weird medical issues, which is not likely) the less I binge, the better off I will be, and the more results I will see.
So frustrating. I'm trying to focus on the positive though... I'll do my staying positive list again.
Hope everyone is having a good Friday!
+ I made it 2 days without bingeing. If I make it through today, it will be 3 days, and I'll get to put another happy face sticker on my calendar for a day of no bingeing. I really like to see those rows of stickers, so I need to just focus on that.
+ Yesterday I started by not making the best decision, and skipped my morning activity because I was so stressed out about meeting with my advisor. I thought I could use extra time to "cram" but I ended up just hiding under my covers for an extra 2 hours instead, feeling even more stressed. During the middle of the day after the meeting, I felt physically exhausted again. I basically had to take a nap and felt even worse for this because I wasted more time. Things were not looking so good. Fortunately I got myself to get out for a late afternoon run which includes part of a trail overlooking the ocean, and I felt a million times better (that is not even an exaggeration!). So I turned my mood around even though it wasn't easy.
+ On the run, I saw beautiful red, yellow, and purple wildflowers. I said "screw it" to my really bloated belly protruding from my shirt and into my thoughts; I practiced mindfulness and noticed focusing on my stomach, but was able to let it go. I've built up enough time/mileage again to get runner's high (I can't stop smiling!) and for all my anxiety to disappear by the end. I also had no knee pain or anything, and was able to make it up the big hill (I had no expectations about this, but I ended up being able to do it).
+ I made it to campus today to work, and I think this was a much safer choice than going to the bakery to work again. I was really tempted to, but luck had it that I needed to refill a prescription on campus, so I came here instead. I can't really take credit for this one, but I'm glad that I ended up here rather than at the bakery.
+ I'm using a skill dealing with my specific triggers today by coming here rather than giving up and using food to comfort myself again.