Friday, April 12, 2013
I was having a pretty good week until Wednesday morning.
When I woke up and after I poured my coffee I sat down at the computer, that's where it all started. My Bf forgot to close out his session from the night before therefore leaving the undeniable evidence before my eyes..porn. I was mortified, hurt, angry, every emotion accept for rational thought flooded my body. I got up put on my running shoes and that was the morning I faced the rain and cold. Set out to prove something to myself and ran four miles.
We have a very healthy love life so I was stumped beyond belief as to why he would want or need to look at that stuff. In the whole eight years we've been together I've never even seen, thought, or worried about him watching it.
All my insecurity's surfaced and magnified one hundred percent. How am I supposed to feel sexy and desirable after that? These thoughts opened up a doorway of self hate.
Let me move you back in time for a second so you can get some idea of how my struggles with confidence and self esteem started.
I got pregnant and married at nineteen to a verbally abusive, alcoholic, and drug addicted monster. I spent from the time I was sixteen and dating him to the time I left him at age twenty four with two kids, and everyday, EVERYDAY in that nine year span all I heard was "you're not good enough." My confidence and self esteem dropped and fell into a bottomless pit so deep that I'm still trying to fight, reach hold of, and regain it for good. My only problem is I don't how too get it back, it keeps slipping out of my hands. I get really jealous over things that haven't even happened. I get extremely self conscious anytime I'm around people, even family. This is very hard to live with, the emotional roller coaster, the negative thoughts that are taking up space and energy, it's exhausting to say the least. I don't consciously choose to feel this way, who would?
All the pressure to look like this, the competition of looking younger while you're only getting older. I cannot be everything, I cannot be everyone. I need to find my "me" because I can only be me, and I need to accept that. If I had truly accepted myself I think the sting of that morning wouldn't have been so severe.
I know it's so so stupid to let that trash make me feel negative about myself. I need to rebuild what was knocked down on Wednesday, and I need to put structure in the frame work this time so it won't tumble over so easily next time, no matter what the situation is.
I still will not understand the "male" mind. If I'm confident in myself I won't really need to feel like I should be able too. I'm going to see a psychiatrist on Monday. This will be a first for me so I'm hoping for the best of course. Trying to relearn how to see and feel about myself is the goal.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.