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    AEROBISAURUS   30,778
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Finding My "Me"

Friday, April 12, 2013

I was having a pretty good week until Wednesday morning.

When I woke up and after I poured my coffee I sat down at the computer, that's where it all started. My Bf forgot to close out his session from the night before therefore leaving the undeniable evidence before my I was mortified, hurt, angry, every emotion accept for rational thought flooded my body. I got up put on my running shoes and that was the morning I faced the rain and cold. Set out to prove something to myself and ran four miles.

We have a very healthy love life so I was stumped beyond belief as to why he would want or need to look at that stuff. In the whole eight years we've been together I've never even seen, thought, or worried about him watching it.

All my insecurity's surfaced and magnified one hundred percent. How am I supposed to feel sexy and desirable after that? These thoughts opened up a doorway of self hate.

Let me move you back in time for a second so you can get some idea of how my struggles with confidence and self esteem started.

I got pregnant and married at nineteen to a verbally abusive, alcoholic, and drug addicted monster. I spent from the time I was sixteen and dating him to the time I left him at age twenty four with two kids, and everyday, EVERYDAY in that nine year span all I heard was "you're not good enough." My confidence and self esteem dropped and fell into a bottomless pit so deep that I'm still trying to fight, reach hold of, and regain it for good. My only problem is I don't how too get it back, it keeps slipping out of my hands. I get really jealous over things that haven't even happened. I get extremely self conscious anytime I'm around people, even family. This is very hard to live with, the emotional roller coaster, the negative thoughts that are taking up space and energy, it's exhausting to say the least. I don't consciously choose to feel this way, who would?

All the pressure to look like this, the competition of looking younger while you're only getting older. I cannot be everything, I cannot be everyone. I need to find my "me" because I can only be me, and I need to accept that. If I had truly accepted myself I think the sting of that morning wouldn't have been so severe.

I know it's so so stupid to let that trash make me feel negative about myself. I need to rebuild what was knocked down on Wednesday, and I need to put structure in the frame work this time so it won't tumble over so easily next time, no matter what the situation is.

I still will not understand the "male" mind. If I'm confident in myself I won't really need to feel like I should be able too. I'm going to see a psychiatrist on Monday. This will be a first for me so I'm hoping for the best of course. Trying to relearn how to see and feel about myself is the goal.

Thank you for letting me share this with you.

~ Nikki
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANETRIS 4/19/2013 6:07PM

    emoticon emoticon

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PLAYINGGAMES 4/16/2013 1:31AM

  Maybe talk to him about it? Sometimes guys look at porn just for the view, other times there is something they fantasize about but are too shy to ask you to do for them. There was a very funny episode of King of Queens involving "fantasies".

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GOULDSGRANITE 4/15/2013 9:41AM

    emoticon Glad you are seeking help today. I will be thinking of you, and sending prayers your way!

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FUTUREHOPE49 4/14/2013 6:58PM

    Running was the right thing to do after that terrible moment.
It must have been a shock!
You are strong and beautiful, don't let anyone spoil that!
emoticon Ellen

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GWINNER1 4/14/2013 8:03AM

    Wow, your post really pulled at my heart strings. You faced a hard situation in a positive manner. Exercising instead of using what happened as a pity party to pig out. That is admirable and emoticon . You have what it takes to FEEL the confidence you deserve. I pray things work out the way you desire them too. emoticon

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MNABOY 4/13/2013 3:27AM

    All men are not alike so I don't know what "porn" means to other men. As a law clerk my Justice "drew" writing the opinion on the constitutionality of "Debbie Does Dallas" being a basis for a felony conviction for the ticket seller and projectionist. His opinion was upheld in Washington. We then "drew" writing the opinion on a magazine that was porn in my vision. He would open the locked cabinet each morning when he came in, the cabinet was in my office, and again as he left to leave for the day. We had it for 2 weeks. I wondered what was going on. It made me really wonder since all he did was open the file drawer, look inside , close and relock it. I began to believe that he was checking to see if I took it, I was married and my wife was due with our first child. Finally I asked why he was looking in the cabinet and he told me he was making sure it didn't disappear since we were not always there and if it disappeared he knew everyone would think he took it. He had a 40 year old son! I leave the tv on when DW is not here and on several occasions I've awakened to moaning and growning. Hit the next channel button and go back to sleep. Since his looking at porn hurts you so much I think he needs to know that it affects you negatively. There may be an explaination and there may need to be a new awareness. Communications are important. I know I felt better when the Chief told me he knew I wouldn't take, much less read/view such a magazine based on my previous actions and the wording of my brief .

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CHERIRIDDELL 4/13/2013 12:37AM

    Good for you going for a run and finding someone to talk to about it.

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TRUCKERWIFE2 4/12/2013 5:22PM

    I think most women run into this sort of thing from time to time. So far you've handled it well. YOU RAN, you didn't eat yourself into a hole. If you've been with him this long sit him down and tell him how you feel and how it might affect you in the bedroom. I had a talk with dh before we were married and once or twice after, but not long after. We didn't have internet then, just the girlie magazines and one time one of his friends showed him someone they went to school with which offended also. Girlie magazine or not. Basically I let him know it would be something I would put my foot down on. Don't want him thinking about one of thoses girls while he was with me and I couldn't be sure of that if that stuff was in my house or I saw him looking at it somewhere else.
I have to admit if he looks at that stuff it's no where the kids and I are seeing it. We don't even keep R rated movies in the house if the R is for sexually explicit stuff. We'll be married 30 years this year and lived together a year before that. The last time I had to talk to him about that (it was about the school mate) our son was a baby 2 years into our marriage. Good luck and I hope you can get things worked out. emoticon

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ANATASHIKI 4/12/2013 5:04PM

    oh just calm down, it's not that you're not good enough. they just like that stuff , that's all, it has nothing to do with you . be glad he doesn't wants you to watch with him . as for not being good enough , it doesn't have to be an abusive husband , my mom made me feel like that all my childhood .you should talk to your bf , if he just forgot it , it's ok , if he did it on purpose , well that's more complicated but still maybe not bad

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RUFFIT 4/12/2013 4:58PM

    You went for a RUN!! Good for you. You took care of you and you are going to talk to someone - double good for you!! You are a brave, strong woman!! Huge Hugs sent your way from me!! Moni

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BAKER1009 4/12/2013 4:46PM

    OMG Nikki!
I mean, most of this I already know. The OMG is that is what you meant. Remember I said something like "Call me stupid" but I didn't know what you were talking about. And I got all involved in going to court that day that I never got to talk to you about it. I'm so sorry, I feel like a terrible friend!
Hang in there girl. So glad you have that appointment on Monday! You deserve to feel as emoticon as you are!!!

In the meantime, I'm here for you, always! But I'm pretty sure you already know that!


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KAREN_NY 4/12/2013 4:42PM

    This is tough stuff. I hope you are now with the kind of guy you can talk with about it, especially about why he'd leave it open on your computer. :(

I hope too that you'll find some peace with yourself at heart. You deserve it.

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ANNMACP0212 4/12/2013 4:37PM

    Sending you a hug...hoping your heart finds peace soon

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JENSTRESS 4/12/2013 3:49PM

    I have been there. I don't know why men need it. It was a huge blow to me as well.

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