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Breaking point

Friday, April 12, 2013

I have been quite well since baby was born. DH will be reading his New Father books, and will occasionally ask if I feel depressed. I always ask him do I look it to you? He always says motherhood suits you. I have been happy being a mom, I love being a mom to my pretty little girl, and I love my DH. But I am really starting to dislike his mom. I think I have reached my breaking point. Every visit, she has something to say. She constantly uses babies hands as a thermometer and then proceeds to tell me to wrap up my daughter, I keep telling her that is a terrible way to measure her temperature and that numerous resources say to use the back of the neck as a better gauge. On a few occasions she has made some digs about my weight. Saying that I am bigger than her. When I tried to tell her baby was fine because I felt warm so the sleeper was keeping her warm enough, she came back and said it was because I have more insulation. She has on more than one occasion told me to eat more, when I ate to my satisfaction at family meals, then she proceeded to use the baby as an excuse. "you need to feed the baby" She has made comments that baby isn't chubby enough and that I should supplement with pablum a solid food because that is what she did with DH. Now I love my DH he is a wonderful man, but he isn't exactly in the healthy weight range, and I think he has been like this his whole life. Hmmm wonder why? because his mom probably over fed him. I explained to her that now babies shouldn't be getting any kind of solid food until 6 months and pablum is a solid food. I also told her that rice cereal is most likely not going to be her first food.

I have been trying to hint to DH that maybe his parents can come visit when he is home. They always visit when he is at work, and I think his mom reserves all these comments for just lucky ol me. I think I have been rather strong and really trying not to let this bother me. Thanks to my sister for letting me vent to her about it. But I think I have reached my breaking point yesterday. Again she made the comment that I should be supplementing with formula, again I told her the dr's are happy with babies weight gain and that I am feeding her enough to continue growing and breastmilk is really the best. Then she told me that I should stop trying to lose weight and to think of the baby. She basically told me that I am being selfish for wanting to lose weight. She even continued on saying that is why they want to bring me lunch, and mentioned that I should eat KFC because I can't eat hamburgers. FFS! She like my mom thinks that gluten is in just bread.

I am happy that my little girl isn't chubby, she is just the right size for a baby in my eyes. I would rather not have my child have to battle childhood obesity and trust me I told her that. But I am really upset that she basically called me selfish. She makes it sound like I am not being a good mother, with the clothes I put on my child, not feeding her enough, and not keeping her warm enough. I do find myself irritable after her visits, and today especially. I have been crying most of the morning. This woman finds fault with everything I do and thinks that this baby is hers to raise just because she never had a girl.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    We can laugh about her stupid comments anytime you need to vent...lol! But I do agree with her on ONE thing....lay off putting her in those oh so SEXY outfits please...this IS my niece we are talking about...hahaha!

    I'm just waiting for the sister I know to blow a gasket on her...it might be the only route if DH isn't open to listening to you. I dunno..maybe start just laughing off her comments and be just as rude back..sounds like she tells on you anyways..lol. Atleast he might listen to your side that way then.

    Stay strong! And BTW..baby is a PERFECT weight..especially for belly zerberts...
    1621 days ago
    First off, I have to say that you have been more than PATIENT with her. The easiest thing to advice you would be to CUT HER OFF and just let DH deal with her- have him take the baby over there etc. Don't be mean- but be distant.
    But... relationships are complicated and the LAST thing you want is for DH to feel like he has to be choosing you, because that's the right thing to do, not because he knows that your MIL is a whack-job---- even if her intentions are good- because I am sure they are. Her motivation comes probably from the right place, but her executions is beyond poor and definitely not acceptable!
    I am not sure how comfortable you feel talking to your DH about the actual issue- without crossing the line where he feels like he has to defend his Mom. You want to word it in such a way that he thinks that he needs to defend you! But, I would talk to him- because that's his Mom and getting along might mean to the world to him. I would tell him when you are not being emotional- so he doesn't think you are overreacting - just matter of fact and then I'd suggest that they only come over when he's home or he take your daughter over there. If that's not in the cards- for whatever reason - I'd make it clear that the only acceptable way she can be in your house is if she is respectful to you. How would he feel if you told her that she's too fat?That she needs to loose weight? That you don't want to raise your daugther the way she wants you to? Tell him that you do not want to go down that route and that he needs to have a conversation with her- if he cares about you too getting along. Based on what you said, she'll be a lot more open to his suggestions- plus, if she blows him off, then he'll know how she can be.

    As for raising your kid and feeding her--- follow your gut. I actually supplemented my son's formula with carrots and he ate solids at 3 months- cereal- but.... he's not overweight, nor has he had any weight issues. If he ever does, it won't be because of that. He was a very hungry baby and my Mom actually gave me those suggestions and I found them to be helpful. I think that Dr's theories ALWAYS change.... my kid is 17 and between then and now... recommendations have changed X number of times... but ultimately the basics remain the same.

    As for your own weight loss journey? You will know when you need more food- because of breast feeding. Forget her... and try not to let her get to you... she's too old to change her ways, so she either needs to decide to shut up or stay home!

    Good luck!!!
    1621 days ago
    This is a tough situation. Mothers didn't breastfeed that much when my mom had me so she was forever on my case about whether my baby was getting enough to eat because you can't actually measure the quantity. Constantly, "are you sure he's getting enough to eat?" All the time. As a new mom I was unsure of myself too, but my pediatrician was really good. He said no solid food for 6 months. It's hard not to listen to your mom, but if my mother-in-law had said that stuff to me I probably would have popped her one. Of course you can't do that in the interest of family harmony, but you really must talk to your DH about this. It is extremely suspect that they come when he is not home and say these things to you. This is not acceptable!
    1621 days ago
    Sorry you are having to deal with this. My MIL was the same way until I got flat-out rude and screamed at her. Grandparents somehow think that they are the parents, and that they absolutely know what is best for their grandchildren.
    I agree that you should talk to your husband about restricting their visits to when he is home. Maybe she will bite her tongue a bit in his presence; if not, then he will at least witness it and can see that you aren't exaggerating what she says.
    1621 days ago
    Honey you have every right to feel this way and you should ask you DH to speak to his mom and let her know that while her opinions are valid perhaps she needs to keep them to her self or tell him- and to straight up back off about the weight comments. I don't think it is too much to ask him to also tell his folks he would love to spend time with them when they visit so please come when he is around. It sounds like he would be receptive to listening to your needs.

    I have a small amount of dread in my heart as my DH plans to have my mother in law come live with us for a while a few months after the baby is born to "help". She and I don't communicate well simply because we don't see each other often (she is in another country) and the thought of having a new born and having to entertain his mother while she is "helping" is exhausting and stressful to me. She is a wonderful person with good intentions but what my DH doesn't understand is when she is here it is him having his mum around but for me it is having company 24/7.

    Take care- Good luck
    1621 days ago
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    1621 days ago
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