Friday, April 12, 2013
I've been feeling really slow and sluggish lately... Mentally. As if I'm still on this journey, still moving forward... but I left the emergency brake on, ya know?
And what is forward, anyway? I think part of my problem is a bit of success amnesia. I haven't taken a breather lately to look at how far I've come. When I look at it that way--I'm still juggling a lot of balls in my every day life, and I haven't dropped one for quite a while. Even though I've got them all up in the air [pause to appreciate mental image that just flashed by. Boss as one ball flailing through the air past the new dog, past the laundry basket and one of my kids... Ack! LOL!]. There were long stretches of my life--even fairly recent--when I wouldn't even try juggling all the balls at once.
Hmm. OK, maybe it makes sense that I'm feeling... a step above overwhelmed. Things are still under control, but if I don't keep this intensity, something's going to come crashing down.
I think I can relax a bit, actually. I'll work on it.... LOL!
Anyway, I decided that today would be a good day to listen to the IOWL conflict resolution journey again, to see if I could bring myself more into alignment.
First, the spot where the part of me that wants to move forward is living. The part that wants to eat healthy food in appropriate amounts. The part that wants to exercise. Take care of me. I was sure it would be my stomach, since ti was actually growling before--but I got a sudden intense feeling a little to the right. This almost always happens--no matter what I thought would be the spot, something else starts shouting out when it's time to actually put my hand there.
It was another burst out laughing moment, as the image that formed there, the image that marched itself up to my shoulder and down to my palm was a group of dwarves. They started as LOTR movie extras, but morphed into Doc, Bashful, Sleepy, and the rest of the Disney 7. Oy!
As the image moved its way along, a series of words, thoughts, and snippets of song accompanied them. Consistent. Loyal. Dedicated. Off to work we go. The image itself was not the most beautiful my subconscious has every thrown my way, but I really liked the feeling that went with it. This all went so well with what I want to create--a consistent, sustainable lifestyle that'll keep me whistling as I go off to work[out] until I'm as old and gray (but hopefully not bearded) as the 7 Dwarves.
Then comes the other side. The part of me that still wants to use food as an emotional buffer. This time, my left hand did go straight to my growling, empty stomach. Empty. A hole. Bottomless pit. Black hole....
Hmmmmm. Interesting. Lately I've been listening to some other guided meditations and visualizations, and one of the images is a whirling vortex where all the extra energy stored as fat gets sucked out... Parts of those visualizations I really like--I always feel energized afterwards. But I do have a bit of a problem with the vortex sucking out all the extra energy without knowing where it's actually going. It's like the part of my brain that still remembers concepts from physics and chemistry is saying nu-unh. Gotta go somewhere....
Then came the time to bring the images together. Conscious mind was pretty curious to see what would happen when all these dwarves got sucked into the singularity.... But I guess I shouldn't have been surprised at the result. A diamond. Multifaceted--like me, with all my juggling. Strong, yet beautiful. The result of intense pressure. :-)
The word that came with it? Value. Which seemed to calm me down on so many levels.
There is value to the struggle.
I am of value.
I can share my value--and/or values--with others.
There is value in the journey, even when I struggle.
It's only been a few hours since I listened, but I've felt calmer, more at peace. A little less like I'm riding the brakes.