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What is the problem?


Thursday, April 11, 2013

I have decided that I have a mutated brain that malfunctions whenever it wants to. Yup. One that keeps raising its ugly head, and not letting ME do what *I* know I need to do.

I have gained back 40 pounds. Yup. 40 of the 74 I lost a few years back. I can rationalize and say, "I didn't gain it ALL back". Or, "I am still 56 pounds less than my highest weight". And so on.... But let's be real. I have failed. Repeatedly. I know what to do. I know exactly how to do it. I know the steps to take, to succeed, to maintain and to enjoy life to its fullest. But, some link is missing in my brain....because every time I get close, something triggers and that missing link sends out weird signals that cause me to spiral down.

I have been analyzed, therapized, gospelized and affirmized. I have exercised, prayed, meditated, counted calories/carbs/fat grams/percentages of raw, and so on.

I have been to doctors, meetings, groups and trainers.

I have stripped my cupboards on so many occasions, filling them only with foods that *I* know are good for me.

I have spent a fortune on whole foods, processed diet plans, exotic algaes, etc.

I have laid out graphs, charts. Weighed weekly. Weighed daily. NOT weighed. Measured. Recorded.

I have thrilled myself and others with my successes. I have felt great.

But now, I feel horrible.

My knee is shot. My back is beginning to degenerate (along with lifelong mild scoliosis). I have so many old injuries that are rearing their ugly head, I don't know what to do.

So here I am. Wondering where to go and what to do next.

I am feeling desperate. Frantic. And almost in a state of panic. Because, I am not a cat. I really DON'T have nine lives. And I am NOT ready to throw in the towel in this one. I am NOT ready to resign myself to being an observer of life. I am NOT ready to sit in a wheel chair. The doc gave me a disabled placard due to my knee, so when it flares up I don't have to walk so far. But I told him I only would take a TEMPORARY one! One part of me still believes that I can do it. There is still a glimmer of hope.

Hubby is on board. He wants to lose his last 30 pounds. But, we are not throwing away food this time (gets WAY to expensive) or giving stuff away. We are just not buying any more sugar or processsed stuff. We are watching portions. I am trying NOT to eat after 8:00 pm. I guess this would be start over #203.

We cranked on the pool heater today, and by tomorrow, I will begin SLOW AND GENTLE exercising in warm water.

AND....I am seriously considering brain surgery.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
BECOMINGONE 4/27/2013 2:58PM

    Kathy,

Boy can I relate. I couldn't begin to count the number of pounds I've gained and lost. I eat my emotions ... and when I do ... my brain is on automatic pilot.

With this new job, I've gained 40 lbs too. I hate, hate, hate it ... andI feel powerless to rein in my eating.

Hope this is your time.

Sandra

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SLASALLE 4/17/2013 5:27PM

    Dear Kathy - I SO know part of how you are feeling. But there is one definite truth (you know this): The only failure is when you stop trying.

Coming from another traveler of this universe, it is OFTEN VERY DIFFICULT to eat healthfully when you travel, and you've done a lot of that lately.

Baby steps is right, but you also know that already. You are a lot like me in that when we want to do something, we go full speed ahead. Not so great sometimes for us!! :-)

Just start doing it again, as you are, one little step at a time!!!

Hugs,
StephanieR>


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SLAYINGDRAGONS 4/13/2013 8:18AM

    Hey there, girlfriend! I am struggling with similar stuff! I went vegetarian (with eggs and fish) Jan. 1, 2012. Have stuck with that. This year, I have come 'round to eliminating grains, ever so slowly to the point that I am now only buying rye flour to have occasional bread. I still have a few things in the pantry and freezer that I will not be replacing. No milk derivatives either. I am doing fine, just can't get to losing again. I refuse! to starve or feel deprived, so being careful about that. I do not want to return to those emotions that kick in when I do. I have been exercising a little bit more - gradually increasing. However, I refuse to get to the point of making exercise a career! That appears to be what many say you must do in order to get it off and keep it off. I want to do more than that so have decided I am finished with marathons - maybe a half marathon then and again. So I am searching through trial and error to figure out how to minimize exercise and yet get enough to get the weight back off.

It is sooo discouraging! And I will keep on trying! Together, we can improve and move more! That was my goal when I started SP and I will not give up my dream of having a slimmish body that can move to enjoy life in the later years that are coming!
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VALERIEMAHA 4/12/2013 11:25AM

    Oh Kathy!

I love how you "tell it like it is," though it's a hard truth to bear. What is it with us...most of the great scriptures have a verse to this effect: "Why is it that I don't do the things I know I should do, and that which I know would be beneficial I don't do." WHY? I ask continuously!!!

Definitely not coming at this from a "preachy" perspective, but I was just reading this in a Yogic scripture and it makes a lot of sense, so I thought I'd share it, since, bottom line, it's all about THE MIND:

Student: "The mind is restless, turbulent, powerful, violent, trying to control it is like trying to tame the wind."
Teacher: "It is true that the mind is restless and difficult to control. But it can be conquered through regular practice (consistent baby steps) and detachment (something like...not being *invested* in the outcome...simply doing one's best without gloating about success)." For what it's worth...?

Much love and support winging their way to you, my dear friend,
Maha


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SAVOY1 4/12/2013 9:27AM

    Dear Kathy - I know somewhat of how you feel, and the desperation and feelings of failure. You aren't defined by your weight loss achievements or lack thereof so stop beating yourself up. If this was easy for any of us there wouldn't be Spark, and WW and Jenny Craig etc etc etc and an obesity epedemic. '

I understand you want your body to be able to keep up with all that you want to do and experience, and that is such a huge accomplishment right there, that you are not in denial about where its at right now. I was in denial for nearly a decade.

My one piece of advice, as you know all "the stuff", is a reminder to take small little steps as you re-begin this process...don't make a long list of hard and fast sweeping changes, and celebrate every miniscule victory along the way.

Also...is there someone who can be like an AA sponsor for you? Someone who is on your side, but perhaps a little removed and impartial? Who you can call anytime to talk through whatever you're feeling, or get you off a cliff so to speak, ...or push you up that first step of a hill?

Much love and hugs...you WILL do this.

Shana

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KALIGIRL 4/12/2013 8:11AM

    Slow and gentle emoticon sounds perfect.
So glad you are staying an active participant because... Life is GOOD - Here's to living it!
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PS - just read a great blog that might interest you: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_p
ublic_journal_individual.asp?bl
og_id=5319934

Comment edited on: 4/12/2013 8:17:01 AM

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EVER-HOPEFUL 4/12/2013 2:11AM

    well at brain surgery doesnīt work i have tried it literaly.like you you think we would know better.the nearer i get to goal the harder it gets try not see it as putting back on 40lbs but that you have successfully maitained the weight you have lostz and notput back on.you would think that our medicals issues you make us more determined,more easier to loose a weight but some times the illness weigh us more down instead.i have also found that since i have lost weight i seem to have more health issues than i had before i started this journey,go figure.maybe a part of it is that i am more aware of my body now ,morw intune than before.maybe it is because we are older or maybe ,more the truth we ignored things mre when we were overweight as we didnīt want to go to the drīs as we were afraid they would get on our backs re are weight.who knows why.i have a constant fight every day to stay on track.i donīt always succeed but i try.i think this is more a mental battle than an actual easy equation of calories in,calories out.but i do know the more we read and research the more power we eventually have.we just have to use that power.so stop thinking about the 40lbs you have put on.you canīt change that now it is history.look forward and do what you can now to either maintain or loose.use this experience to your advantage,see where and why you did it and then you know what not to do.see it as a learning process not a failure.you can do this at you can so what from do this.you have the will,the knowledge and the power so do it.what always carries me through in times of doubt is the serenity prayer hope it helps love.
god granty me the serenity to acceptthe things i can not change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the differance.

the last line the wisdom to know the differance to me is the crux of this.keep pushing love and have faith you can get there.i have faith in you love.you also have the rare advantage that your husband is also doing this with you. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NORWOODGIRL 4/11/2013 11:08PM

    Wish I could tell you that the magic answer is 1-2-3. Just do that and you will lose weight and never gain it back. Sigh.... Sure hasn't worked for me.

Do you remember "biorhythms" from a while ago? I've come to believe we are influenced by them. There are times when eating and exercising seems effortless and huge progress is made. Then there are times when every choice, every exercise rep feels like it is almost too much. So, now I'm trying to go with the flow. When things are going well, I put the pedal to the metal. When life is a struggle, I try to maintain the status quo until the next good time.

No brain surgery! Just keep on baby-stepping.

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PEACEFULONE 4/11/2013 8:32PM

    Wow, I can relate to your difficulties and I keep trying too! Still weighing less than the top weight is an accomplishment. It is not easy to be active with a painful knee. Physical therapy, yoga, ibuprofen, a wrap around knee brace and giving up milk have all been helpful to me. Swimming is excellent for exercise with a sore knee. You can do this!

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Comment edited on: 4/11/2013 8:33:32 PM

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CRYSTLE4HIMTX12 4/11/2013 7:53PM

    I'm glad you haven't given up. It stinks to have to re-lose the weight, done it. But the good news is you can. Find what you like and can honestly do forever. If funky algae rocks your boat good, but if bacon is more realistic find a way to have bacon every now and then. Or whatever food that you find delicious. emoticon Same thing for movement. If you love videos, rock the videos, if walking is more doable, walk. What you like and what you will do long term will outlast any short term successes. Remember you are WORTH IT! emoticon

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MISS_VIV 4/11/2013 7:28PM

    Definately brain surgery would be a LAST RESORT.... LOL
I haven't heard of anyone here in town doing brain transplants, but I will be in line when they start that. emoticon

You have done a remarkable job of getting it off in the past and you can do it again. Keep up the exercise and take good care...You have the plan and you can do it. emoticon

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BLAYNESGAMMY 4/11/2013 6:54PM

    emoticon emoticon

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