Thursday, April 11, 2013
I have decided that I have a mutated brain that malfunctions whenever it wants to. Yup. One that keeps raising its ugly head, and not letting ME do what *I* know I need to do.
I have gained back 40 pounds. Yup. 40 of the 74 I lost a few years back. I can rationalize and say, "I didn't gain it ALL back". Or, "I am still 56 pounds less than my highest weight". And so on.... But let's be real. I have failed. Repeatedly. I know what to do. I know exactly how to do it. I know the steps to take, to succeed, to maintain and to enjoy life to its fullest. But, some link is missing in my brain....because every time I get close, something triggers and that missing link sends out weird signals that cause me to spiral down.
I have been analyzed, therapized, gospelized and affirmized. I have exercised, prayed, meditated, counted calories/carbs/fat grams/percentages of raw, and so on.
I have been to doctors, meetings, groups and trainers.
I have stripped my cupboards on so many occasions, filling them only with foods that *I* know are good for me.
I have spent a fortune on whole foods, processed diet plans, exotic algaes, etc.
I have laid out graphs, charts. Weighed weekly. Weighed daily. NOT weighed. Measured. Recorded.
I have thrilled myself and others with my successes. I have felt great.
But now, I feel horrible.
My knee is shot. My back is beginning to degenerate (along with lifelong mild scoliosis). I have so many old injuries that are rearing their ugly head, I don't know what to do.
So here I am. Wondering where to go and what to do next.
I am feeling desperate. Frantic. And almost in a state of panic. Because, I am not a cat. I really DON'T have nine lives. And I am NOT ready to throw in the towel in this one. I am NOT ready to resign myself to being an observer of life. I am NOT ready to sit in a wheel chair. The doc gave me a disabled placard due to my knee, so when it flares up I don't have to walk so far. But I told him I only would take a TEMPORARY one! One part of me still believes that I can do it. There is still a glimmer of hope.
Hubby is on board. He wants to lose his last 30 pounds. But, we are not throwing away food this time (gets WAY to expensive) or giving stuff away. We are just not buying any more sugar or processsed stuff. We are watching portions. I am trying NOT to eat after 8:00 pm. I guess this would be start over #203.
We cranked on the pool heater today, and by tomorrow, I will begin SLOW AND GENTLE exercising in warm water.
AND....I am seriously considering brain surgery.