Thursday, April 11, 2013
Woke up at 5:25 am. Worked out for 45 minutes on the elliptical! Sweat session. I got to go longer because I am flexing my time today for work and going to be here past 5 pm.
I also did TAM arms for ten minutes (KILLLED!!). I kept putting my arms down from the ache. I was irritated I couldn't hold them up, but I reminded myself perfection isn't what we are going for, its working towards being hot n healthy and its ok to respect where I am currently at physically and push for improvment.
I felt like the glass ceiling shattered for me over the past day. I was listening to another podcast by Jillian Michaels and she was talking to a gal about her weight issues over the phone.
She asked why she was hanging on to the weight? Why was she choosing to be unhealthy? What was she hiding from?
When she asked her that question I swear I heard glass shattering all around me. Why was I hanging onto the weight? What am I afraid of? Fear of rejection. Whether I am overweight or not I will be rejected at some point. In fact it was the feeling of being rejected in college that I packed this weight on (same pattern formed in high school as well). Not being the perfect popular on socially after a reign of ruling the popularity contest. After being academically achieved and receiving stellar grades. Being rejected socially, academically, emotionally equated out to me being unworthy of the beautiful girl I was. I wasn't worthy of being popular or pretty or smart. I wasn't worthy of being on the top of the pile after a little competition and being rejected a few times, so I climbed back down. I had a girl once tell me I wasn't good at tap when I was in taking advanced tap class, so I quit. I allowed people to dictate me and who I was. I lived for being liked and loved. I loathed being rejected or not being number one. So I became heavy. If I couldn't be number one or on top, if I couldn't be loved by all, then I was not loved by anyone. I was worthless and took myself out of the game.
I realized THREE Main things yesterday
1) there is no such thing as being worthy- it doesn't exist. God loves you. Period. There isn't anything about being worthy or worthless. I am me. Worthy no longer exists.
2)NEVER allow someone else to dictate who you are- don't give them that power.
3)stop using food as a tool to slowly take yourself out of the game. Live life. Move forward.
BEST thing out of the podcast I got was the question:
why are you hanging on to the weight. What are you using it for to hide from.