Today is day ONE of my streak!
Yes, I fell off the wagon and had to start my streak over again. There's no shame in that at all, though. I'm not perfect, and I would never waste my time trying to be. There will always be slip ups along the way, even when I eventually reach my goal size and start maintenance. But as long as I keep getting back on the wagon and not giving up on myself, I know I will make progress!
Speaking of progress...well, to be honest, I haven't been making as much progress lately. And the main reason for that falls right on my own shoulders. I have been sabotaging myself left and right! I haven't had a full out binge, thank goodness. But I've been eating too much. Not enough to gain, but just enough to keep me from losing. My clothes still fit the same. Its been a while since I've had a WOW moment where something that used to be too tight suddenly fits me. And its been a while since I've really felt motivated to exercise.
Don't get me wrong...I haven't skipped any of my workouts. In spite of not feeling like doing it, I've still worked out, and once I get into the workout, I love it. (And I especially love how good I feel when I'm done! I love that sense of pride I get after I finish a workout.) But my motivation to eat right and exercise is almost completely non-existent. I just tell myself every day to "Fake it until you make it", and then I push myself to do it. So I guess that probably counts as progress, because the OLD ME would have just given up at this point, and gained all the weight back.
I'm not going to do that. I've worked too hard to give up now. I don't ever want to go back to being the old me, ever again. I want to keep pushing, and I want to reach my goal.So what is holding me back? What is it that is keeping me stuck right here, halfway to goal?
I've written about this in my personal journal, and I've come to a realization; I don't know who I am anymore. Does that sound stupid or strange? Maybe it does, but its true. I don't know who Pixie is, or who Pixie is going to be at goal.
I am going to turn 52 at the end of the month. I've never really thought that age mattered, but now that I'm about to turn 52, I suddenly feel like a grown up. (Took me long enough to grow up, eh?) Not only am I getting older, but I'm getting smaller, which is good. But its like there is just TOO much change going on. Who is this smaller, older woman? Who is this woman who has started to wear makeup and jewelry? I wonder if I look silly, or if I look like I'm trying too hard to look halfway decent. Am I too old for long hair now? Are these clothes "too young" for me?
In the past year, I've lost 71 lbs, gotten fitter and healthier and firmer...I've stopped binge eating and I've started eating healthy....I've stopped sitting around all day and I've started working out. I do DDP Yoga, I do kettlebell workouts, and I walk a LOT. I'm proud of myself for the changes I've made, but I'm scared to go any further.
Right now, it feels like I'm straddling the fence...halfway between the old me, and halfway between who I'm going to be. So its just as easy to go in one direction as it is the other. I could easily go back to the old me...obese, housebound, invisible, ignored. No one looked at me, and no one expected anything of me.
Or I can go to the new me...whoever she is. Thats pretty scary, but I am going to do it. I am going to get off the fence and come down on the side where the new me is waiting. I'm going to stop sabotaging myself by eating too much. I may not completely know who Pixie at 52 is, but I do know this about her; she is going to be fit, healthy, strong, and she is going to reach her goal size!