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Time to Get Off of the Fence


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Thursday, April 11, 2013



Today is day ONE of my streak!

Yes, I fell off the wagon and had to start my streak over again. There's no shame in that at all, though. I'm not perfect, and I would never waste my time trying to be. There will always be slip ups along the way, even when I eventually reach my goal size and start maintenance. But as long as I keep getting back on the wagon and not giving up on myself, I know I will make progress!

Speaking of progress...well, to be honest, I haven't been making as much progress lately. And the main reason for that falls right on my own shoulders. I have been sabotaging myself left and right! I haven't had a full out binge, thank goodness. But I've been eating too much. Not enough to gain, but just enough to keep me from losing. My clothes still fit the same. Its been a while since I've had a WOW moment where something that used to be too tight suddenly fits me. And its been a while since I've really felt motivated to exercise.

Don't get me wrong...I haven't skipped any of my workouts. In spite of not feeling like doing it, I've still worked out, and once I get into the workout, I love it. (And I especially love how good I feel when I'm done! I love that sense of pride I get after I finish a workout.) But my motivation to eat right and exercise is almost completely non-existent. I just tell myself every day to "Fake it until you make it", and then I push myself to do it. So I guess that probably counts as progress, because the OLD ME would have just given up at this point, and gained all the weight back.

I'm not going to do that. I've worked too hard to give up now. I don't ever want to go back to being the old me, ever again. I want to keep pushing, and I want to reach my goal.So what is holding me back? What is it that is keeping me stuck right here, halfway to goal?



I've written about this in my personal journal, and I've come to a realization; I don't know who I am anymore. Does that sound stupid or strange? Maybe it does, but its true. I don't know who Pixie is, or who Pixie is going to be at goal.

I am going to turn 52 at the end of the month. I've never really thought that age mattered, but now that I'm about to turn 52, I suddenly feel like a grown up. (Took me long enough to grow up, eh?) Not only am I getting older, but I'm getting smaller, which is good. But its like there is just TOO much change going on. Who is this smaller, older woman? Who is this woman who has started to wear makeup and jewelry? I wonder if I look silly, or if I look like I'm trying too hard to look halfway decent. Am I too old for long hair now? Are these clothes "too young" for me?

In the past year, I've lost 71 lbs, gotten fitter and healthier and firmer...I've stopped binge eating and I've started eating healthy....I've stopped sitting around all day and I've started working out. I do DDP Yoga, I do kettlebell workouts, and I walk a LOT. I'm proud of myself for the changes I've made, but I'm scared to go any further.

Right now, it feels like I'm straddling the fence...halfway between the old me, and halfway between who I'm going to be. So its just as easy to go in one direction as it is the other. I could easily go back to the old me...obese, housebound, invisible, ignored. No one looked at me, and no one expected anything of me.

Or I can go to the new me...whoever she is. Thats pretty scary, but I am going to do it. I am going to get off the fence and come down on the side where the new me is waiting. I'm going to stop sabotaging myself by eating too much. I may not completely know who Pixie at 52 is, but I do know this about her; she is going to be fit, healthy, strong, and she is going to reach her goal size!





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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SOFT_VAL67 4/14/2013 7:33PM

    aside from the ages, i thought for a minute you were my twin
ive lost 70 pounds in almost a year and ive also fallen off the wagon and am kinda stuck in limbo
just gained a few of those lbs back, but determined to forgive myself and move on and am saving this blog for future moments of sorriness and wanting to stay off the wagon
thanks for this blog, i feel surrounded by others like myself and not feeling like a lone wolf emoticon

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TREE57 4/14/2013 3:38PM

    Pixie, oh Pixie.....you can beat this.....kick this stalemate to the curb......you are in your chrysalis, it's just a matter of time before the Pixie we all know and LOVE will emerge!!!!

It's okay to be hesitant....it's okay to be shy!

Give yourself time to develop at the 71 pound marker. Then give yourself permission to develop at the next level.

We don't have to grow up.....we only have to mature 😉



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NERDLETTE 4/14/2013 1:09PM

    I'm SO with you, Pixie!! We can do this, one day at a time!! emoticon

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LIFETIMER54 4/14/2013 10:32AM

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AMYISSUCCEEDING 4/14/2013 9:51AM

    Pixie, I love your blogs. Thank you for all of your support.
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JOHNTJ1 4/14/2013 9:37AM

    Thanks for the motivator and the reminder. I'll be 60 in a few short months and I think I am finally starting to grow up --- I think.

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TEDYBEAR2838 4/14/2013 9:35AM

    OH YEA! You got it Goin' On!

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JIBBIE49 4/14/2013 8:37AM

    emoticon Great to see your blog featured in the Spark Mail. What an honor. emoticon

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SHERRYBETH84 4/14/2013 1:33AM

    You are not alone, I am there, along with a LOT of others who are fighting the battle of the stagnate. I guess we are waiting for our spirit to catch up with our body. I have been reading a lot of other blogs saying the same thing... Why am I no longer motivated? Why am I carrying weight instead of burning it off? Who am I, this person in lost land.... Not at goal, but no longer invisible ? I feel comfort and stability knowing I am not the only one going through these phases. I am now following the leader, and learning how to adjust while my skin catches up with my weight loss. I love that idea. The only problem is.... It has been the ten pound Christmas gain I have been beating myself up with. My skin and face do look better and firmer....maybe due to the added fat. I am halfway to goal. Thanks for the push to finish my race. Thanks for pointing the way forward.



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JJ625JONES 4/13/2013 11:55PM

    This was an amazing thing to read! I feel the same way, this was very motivating and inspirational!! emoticon

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KAB7801 4/13/2013 11:22PM

    Picked the good side

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MSGRANNYMAE 4/13/2013 11:13PM

    emoticon emoticon m emoticon mm emoticon

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JSGETFITNOW 4/13/2013 10:42PM

    Great Blog and insight; inspiring, thanks!!


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AJB121299 4/13/2013 10:37PM

    Nice

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JSEATTLE 4/13/2013 9:28PM

  You always have the best graphics. Thank you for taking the time to put a nice blog together, always enjoy it.

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KIMALEE54 4/13/2013 9:12PM

    You're right. It's scary to be in that void between where we were and where we are headed. I recently heard a description of "clearing the clutter (mental and literal) to make a path for what is yet to come". I like that idea. It sounds like that is exactly where you are. Me too.

This is our life. Where we are is where we are. Drink it in and relish the opportunity for learning and change. You are not invisible. Here's me "seeing" you.

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FISHER011 4/13/2013 9:02PM

    emoticon

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CECELW 4/13/2013 8:37PM

    emoticon WOW! Thanks for sharing your journey. But I can sooo relate.

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FALLNTENN 4/13/2013 8:15PM

    I think it's time for me to jump off the fence too. It's seems like I've been treading water for quite a few months and if I'm going to get anywhere I need to start swimming.

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FIRECOM 4/13/2013 6:53PM

    Fantastic, as usual, Pixie. The age thing is really getting to me. I will be 78 next month and one evening driving home after my grandsons BB game, I was literally thrust into a feeling of overwhelming melancholy. Not a dangerous thing mind you, I just asked myself how did I get here so fast.

One of my favorite songs is "It Was a Very Good Year" by Sinatra. it ends with the phrase ... now that I am in the Autumn of my years ...

Well, that's me.

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GZELLEFRO 4/13/2013 6:06PM

    Aw Pixie, you are such an inspiration!! I identify with you totally! I don't know who I am anymore. My identity crisis is not caused by my weight, or loss, but from my age and my children leaving home.

Thanks for being so transparent and honest!! That helps me to see that I'm not in this journey called "life" by myself. Even if our destinations are different, we still have the challenges that face us as we make our way.

We can do it! We are worth it!! God bless you in your daily trials. emoticon

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STRONGDJ 4/13/2013 5:13PM

    Very inspiring blog. Your honesty and integrity motivate me in my journey.

I identify a lot with your statement, "I don't know who I am anymore."

To me that doesn't sound stupid or strange at all. Although the transformation is difficult, it is worth it in the health we gain. And in a lot of ways I feel that this journey of discovering my new self is leading me to the most authentic self I've ever been.

Thanks for sharing.

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SANDYLH1 4/13/2013 4:11PM

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RETROCURVYLADY 4/13/2013 3:57PM

    Hi Pixie,
My you have a lot of friends! I love your background! It seems we have a lot in common, we are about the same age and I have been where you are. I have since fallen completely off the wagon and need to get my health and weight back on track...thus I am here today. I hope to be where you are again soon. Enjoy getting to know the new you. Take your time and experiment with styles and such...I was there and it was wonderful!

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SVELTENSASSY 4/13/2013 12:38PM

    Pixie, you just keep cropping up whenever I'm on SparkPeople. A blog, a friend, here is Pixie . . there is Pixie . . . every time I'm on I see Pixie. And it's always good.

You're just in a shadow right now. (Not exactly a dark spot.) A bit of an identity crisis. But that can be good. It's a chance to look at yourself with "new eyes". Play a game with yourself. If you were someone else and were meeting Pixie for the first time, what would you think of her? Or if your life were now a clean slate what would you write on it?

I'm more than ten years older than you and I still wonder who the heck I am. So, I've been looking around . . . inside and out. What am I all about? What do I like? What do I want to change? What new avenues to I want to take to new things ahead? I can't answer those questions right now, but I'll be able too sometime. And at some point the answers and the questions will change and I'll have to review and renew.

Just remember: Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.

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ANGELN325 4/13/2013 11:54AM

    You know...I can relate to a lot of the things you say here. Even though I would like to get healthier which means getting thinner, I remember those days when I got a lot of unwanted attention. It was good and bad at the same time. It's safe being heavier. People who talk to me are because they like me...the person inside. I know some of my battles and self-sabotage is the fear of what it's like to be thin again, but I tell myself that I'm much stronger and sure of myself and that's good. I think a little soul searching is good. Who is Pixie inside? What does she want to be? Once you can see it. You can achieve it. Good luck in your journey! Have some fun with it and don't ask how you think you will look to others. Look at Madonna, Cher, Tina Turner. They don't let age dictate how they do their hair, make up, or clothes. Wear what you like and feel good in. As long as you don't have to dye your hair all the time, go long. Actually I've seen women with long, gray hair that look stunning so don't even let that stop you. Makeup can enhance beauty at any age so go for it. So long as you like it is all that matters at the end of the day. Other people's opinions are over rated any ways.

Comment edited on: 4/13/2013 11:55:56 AM

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LYNCHD05 4/13/2013 11:12AM

    I am with you sister!! We are the only ones who can do it so lets go!!!!!

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LIVELIFE11 4/13/2013 10:59AM

    It's funny how we hear what we need, when we need it! Thank you for your blog - I have been stuck - losing but slowly for 6 weeks, still working out and eating well... The darn Easter candy got me :(
But thinking of what you said.... Afraid but knowing who the "old me" is and who am I going to be? What does that look like? Definately rings true with me - I know how I be the old me - even though I won't go back to that - ever! I am hopping down off the fence with you, and we are going to do this together! You have come so far and know what it takes - this is the easy part.... To finish the race you started.... The hardest part was to start - best wishes for a fantastic race to your goal line!!!! emoticon

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GOOSIEMOON 4/13/2013 10:53AM

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ANNASGOALS 4/13/2013 10:42AM

    Pixie you are a weight loss rock star!!! Thank you!

Be Fierce!

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BELIEVING-N-ME 4/13/2013 10:11AM

    Thank you for sharing. Your blog hit a homerun with me. Right now my weight is going up. emoticon

Best of luck with the rest of your journey! emoticon emoticon

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BJUBILANT 4/13/2013 9:59AM

    Welcome (soon) to 52. You have a lot of years ahead of you. How great that you are getting fit and slimming down so that you can slip into pretty things and do yourself up. For someone who grew up playing with Barbies having a body I am comfortable with and a little bit of money to dress it up is grown up fun.

I also stalled recently. I have kept up my weight training but carb creep was setting in. I partially blame this on the fact that it is the middle of April and we still have four feet of $&@" snow. Once I started tracking again the weight started coming off again. One thing that really works for me is to track BEFORE you take the first bite. You might change your mind or restrict the amount a little more.

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JSALERNO 4/13/2013 9:44AM

    emoticon

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DIANESAV3 4/13/2013 9:39AM

    Thanks for sharing. I will have to start over too. I haven't really lost anything since Christmas. I have pretty much been maintaining around 3 or 4 pounds but this week I had most of the week off and came to camp where I have been having ice cream, brownies and way too much food. Monday I need to step on the scale and see the damage I have done.

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MARITZA_TIRADO 4/13/2013 9:36AM

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MBEHNKEN 4/13/2013 9:12AM

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IDLETYME 4/13/2013 9:02AM

    Super blog - thanks for sharing!!! emoticon

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LETHANIA 4/13/2013 8:39AM

    Awsome!!!

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KELLYPAQ 4/13/2013 8:22AM

    You are aim inspiration to me and to so many oth folks out there. You help us to understand that we all have struggles and challenges to face. But more importantly, we have the power to change our lives inspire of the road blocks (even the ones we put up ourselves). A great day to you !

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LIFETIMER54 4/13/2013 8:22AM

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MUSOLF6 4/13/2013 8:16AM

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AUNTWILLIE 4/13/2013 8:09AM

    Sometimes stopping to see where you are is the most important part of the journey.

It sounds to me like you're doing a phenomenal job, making changes inside and out!

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AMANDACOETZER 4/13/2013 7:41AM

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HIBACAT 4/13/2013 5:14AM

    thanks for sharing ,this helps me to feel that I am not alone with this I am scared to death to loss the person who I know now - which is old me- to one I never know .

forget about age it isn't defined you by the way you look in 40 :). keep going you almost on the top. emoticon

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CLOVER2 4/13/2013 1:44AM

    I have been where you are and I know exactly how you feel. There were times when I was terrified because I didn't know who this person was that I was becoming. I just turned 60 and all of the things that you described have absolutely gone through my head. Right down to "Is my hair too long?" emoticon
Even now after having reached my goal weight there are days when I feel like it is just TOO much work and I don't want to do it anymore.
But I also know that there is NO WAY that I could ever go back to what I once was. First of all, I cannot unlearn everything I have learned. I can never claim ignorance ever again.
And second, there is NO WAY I would ever want to. I absolutely love all of the things that are becoming second nature to me. Like having my day go way too long and realizing that I'm not going to get everything done and then in the middle of my workout realizing that I never even considered not doing that! There is no way that I ever want to give that up.
You have been doing an incredible job and you are such an inspiration to so many here. Keep up the really great work!
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NIKKIJ55 4/13/2013 12:32AM

    emoticon

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MISSBOOBOOKITTY 4/13/2013 12:09AM

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KARENLEIGH32 4/12/2013 11:36PM

    I have been cheating myself also, not binging but not really eating in the best way. I haven't been exercising regular, I hit it for a couple of days then skip for a couple. I need to get my life back in order I was doing so well.

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CORNERKICK 4/12/2013 11:27PM

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CICELY360 4/12/2013 11:18PM

  good blog

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