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Time to Get Off of the Fence

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Today is day ONE of my streak!

Yes, I fell off the wagon and had to start my streak over again. There's no shame in that at all, though. I'm not perfect, and I would never waste my time trying to be. There will always be slip ups along the way, even when I eventually reach my goal size and start maintenance. But as long as I keep getting back on the wagon and not giving up on myself, I know I will make progress!

Speaking of progress...well, to be honest, I haven't been making as much progress lately. And the main reason for that falls right on my own shoulders. I have been sabotaging myself left and right! I haven't had a full out binge, thank goodness. But I've been eating too much. Not enough to gain, but just enough to keep me from losing. My clothes still fit the same. Its been a while since I've had a WOW moment where something that used to be too tight suddenly fits me. And its been a while since I've really felt motivated to exercise.

Don't get me wrong...I haven't skipped any of my workouts. In spite of not feeling like doing it, I've still worked out, and once I get into the workout, I love it. (And I especially love how good I feel when I'm done! I love that sense of pride I get after I finish a workout.) But my motivation to eat right and exercise is almost completely non-existent. I just tell myself every day to "Fake it until you make it", and then I push myself to do it. So I guess that probably counts as progress, because the OLD ME would have just given up at this point, and gained all the weight back.

I'm not going to do that. I've worked too hard to give up now. I don't ever want to go back to being the old me, ever again. I want to keep pushing, and I want to reach my goal.So what is holding me back? What is it that is keeping me stuck right here, halfway to goal?

I've written about this in my personal journal, and I've come to a realization; I don't know who I am anymore. Does that sound stupid or strange? Maybe it does, but its true. I don't know who Pixie is, or who Pixie is going to be at goal.

I am going to turn 52 at the end of the month. I've never really thought that age mattered, but now that I'm about to turn 52, I suddenly feel like a grown up. (Took me long enough to grow up, eh?) Not only am I getting older, but I'm getting smaller, which is good. But its like there is just TOO much change going on. Who is this smaller, older woman? Who is this woman who has started to wear makeup and jewelry? I wonder if I look silly, or if I look like I'm trying too hard to look halfway decent. Am I too old for long hair now? Are these clothes "too young" for me?

In the past year, I've lost 71 lbs, gotten fitter and healthier and firmer...I've stopped binge eating and I've started eating healthy....I've stopped sitting around all day and I've started working out. I do DDP Yoga, I do kettlebell workouts, and I walk a LOT. I'm proud of myself for the changes I've made, but I'm scared to go any further.

Right now, it feels like I'm straddling the fence...halfway between the old me, and halfway between who I'm going to be. So its just as easy to go in one direction as it is the other. I could easily go back to the old me...obese, housebound, invisible, ignored. No one looked at me, and no one expected anything of me.

Or I can go to the new me...whoever she is. Thats pretty scary, but I am going to do it. I am going to get off the fence and come down on the side where the new me is waiting. I'm going to stop sabotaging myself by eating too much. I may not completely know who Pixie at 52 is, but I do know this about her; she is going to be fit, healthy, strong, and she is going to reach her goal size!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I guess 52 must be the age for not knowing who you are...

    Age 52


    608 days ago
    Awesome as always Pixie! I know we will both do this thing! U will find your new self! It's gotta feel good wearing new makeup, jewelry & clothes! Love those NCV's!
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    1593 days ago
    Keep working! You are soooo not the only one that needs to "find herself" every now and again and figure out just who she is. My family moved just over a year ago and I have fortunately been able to stay at home with my kids, but this was a BIG change from what I was used to. I feel as if I have spent much of the last year trying to find ME. Good luck with reaching your goals and congrats on getting as far as you have!
    1638 days ago
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    1661 days ago
    yesterday was my first exercise day in a while--got up early to walk down the road and back (16 mins), then dad left the house so I put in my tae-bo tape (16 mins), then I did some core training (15 mins). its right when they say just do a little then you can keep going if you feel up to it. I need to experiment w/ short bursts in the day, and I actually wanted to keep going so I did lots of little exercises yesterday. its the summer and I have time to dedicate--I need to do it. I love that you fessed up how you were starting over again, too. Hope the streak's gone well for you the past few months (i'll take a look--hee hee).
    1684 days ago
    Glad I'm not the only one who has numerous day 1s - it's getting back and keeping going that makes this happen.
    1701 days ago
    1734 days ago
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    1753 days ago
    1754 days ago
    I have a saying that goes, if you sit on the fence, all you will get is a sore crotch.
    1755 days ago
    I know this is a late response, but I've been in Hawaii for 2 weeks. Although I returned on Wednesday evening, I am just catching up. Great blog. I see that you are now on day 17 of your streak, which is even better. emoticon
    1759 days ago
  • OTA_2012
    This is so great to read! I relate to it so much. I knew who I was and what I wanted. Now that I've put myself and workouts first, I'm going thru an uncomfortable phase. I've always put work first now I'm putting me first. I've been extremely career driven my whole life. I am very happy that I'm transforming. I wouldn't change that a bit. New things are becoming important to me so I'm trying to figure it all out!
    1761 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/24/2013 10:51:07 PM
    I love your blog! Thank you! The beginning picture grabbed me!
    1764 days ago
    wow! this blog really hit home for me!! I know exactly what you mean. I have been feeling this way for several yrs now! Who am I?? I really feel like i have lost myself,i still feel like i am in my 20s in my mind. I dont know what I want anymore,and motherhood changed me so much! I deff do not look the same as I did when I was in my 20s. I look at pictures from back then,and it just looks like a diff person! And i think where did she go?? But why do I get sad about it? I have allot now,a marriage a son...why does what i looked like then matter so much?

    I could easily go back to the old me...obese, housebound, invisible, ignored. No one looked at me, and no one expected anything of me.
    this is sort of how i feel now! I know I am not obese...but deff over weight,and i just feel like i am not noticed at all,and that no one has faith in me that i can get this weight off. but im sure they do...I just dont have faith in myself. For me there is more than fat going on!! meaning i have some insecurity issues to work on...and i have been,slowly! Thanks for the great blog!
    1767 days ago
    What an amazing blog. I wish that I could express myelf so eloquently. The truth is that I am still quite at the beginning of my process and still find msyelf on the fence. Thanks for this blog. It encourages me to get moving too. HUGZ Pixie! Have a blessed and healthy week end!
    1767 days ago
    1768 days ago
    emoticon great blog.

    You can do this and you will.

    I still marvel at how well you have done.
    1768 days ago
  • LAFS75
    thank you for your honesty. I haven't been able to stick to my plan of living healthy and eating well. First week I lost 4.5 pounds and this was motivating but then life interceded. I am also going through a identity crisis. My baby graduates in May and my oldest is relocating out of state 3 days after graduation. I am not looking forward to an empty nest so sudden. emoticon
    thank you for sharing your journey. I am inspired to keep trying.
    Keep up the good work emoticon
    1768 days ago
  • LADYJAY714
    emoticon Congrats on your 7 day streak emoticon You are so emoticon and I know you can do ANYTHING! Because you've been there done that in your journey... It's a new adventure from here! Don't forget to emoticon
    1768 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    I hope your streak is going well?

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    1769 days ago
    Are you happy with what you are seeing? Not just in the mirror. If you were to meet you on the street, would you want to be your friend? Do you like who you are?

    If you are able to answer yes to these questions, you are doing great. Not knowing what we want to be when we grow up is more common than most of us want to admit. I'm 40 and still wondering. I'm starting to realize I will likely be asking myself this question for the rest of my life. lol

    But if I like who I am on the inside on this journey. Liking what I see in the mirror is icing on the cake, and I do what that too. But it's only icing. As long as I am always becoming someone who I like. That's what's important. At least to me.
    1769 days ago
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    1769 days ago
    Great blog post - I can SO relate!

    (& this reminds me to dust off my DDP yoga DVD's)

    1769 days ago
    You did a good job with this blog -- I'm sure many, many readers found something that struck the core with them! Very motivating!
    1769 days ago
  • JUNEBUG4967
    I agree with the others comments about how you write about your slips and victories. It makes it easier to view the real person. It helps us to hold your mirror to our lives and see how or where we need to change too. Keep on pushing!
    1769 days ago
    Thanks for a wonderful, inspiring blog. What a great attitude you have. Forget the streak -- you are a winner.

    Deena from Jerusalem
    1769 days ago
    Thanks for the wisdom. I just turned 52 last week and needed encouragement to get back to caring about me. We all can do it! emoticon
    1769 days ago
    PIxie, join the club: I also fell off the wagon for several days while attending my son's wedding. Lots of festivities, meaning unhealthy foods, no exercice, etc. The important thing is to get back on track as soon as possible because we have indeed worked too hard to go back to where we were. emoticon
    1769 days ago
    Wonderful! emoticon
    1769 days ago

    Dear, You are with the MAJORITY -

    99% of us break our streaks sometimes

    emoticon on your phsical improvements

    Your new attitude is emoticon

    Have a Wonderful Wednesday !

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    1769 days ago
    ღ˚ •。* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛° 。* °♥ ˚ • ★ *˚ .ღ 。
    /▌*˛˚ღ •˚ ˚…just sprinkling a little Love on your page. ~♥~˚ ✰* ★
    / \ ˚. ★ *˛ ˚♥* ✰。˚ ˚ღ。* ˛˚ ♥ 。✰˚* ˚ ★ (Originally from BeFit, but I loved this.)

    Jump the fence and sparkle on.
    1769 days ago
    I love your post, thank you so much for sharing. Often when I find that I don't want to workout or I don't feel like eatting healthy. I change my workout. I do something completely different; whether it is swimming, bike riding, etc. Just doing something different. I also read posts from other people and read their success stories. Everyone reaches a weight loss/ workout plateau.

    Great job on your accomplishments thus far.
    1770 days ago
    Sparksister, you sooooooooooo rock! I love the way you compared the old you to the present you to the future you. Way to keep on truckin' and inspiring all of us!
    1770 days ago
  • HFAYE81
    You can do it Pixie!!! I don't think you're in between being anyone...you are still uniquely YOU, and I think most people are changing all the time anyway. It's just more apparent when the transitioning is physical, too! emoticon emoticon
    1770 days ago
    Pixie at 52 sounds like someone who has some of the same doubts, questions and uncertainties as I have.

    Pixie at 52 sounds like someone who is still trying to figure out who, and what, she is... same as I am (although I'm 69!).

    Pixie at 52 sounds like someone I'm proud to say is my Spark Friend. Keep up the good work. We're all "works-in-progress". We slip and fall once in a while, but we pick ourselves up and get back on track.

    Gail emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1770 days ago
    Pix, sometimes I think our bodies just need time to adjust and get used to the change we're making. Give it time. Enjoy the day.

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    1770 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your victories and set backs on this journey. i know we enjoy this joyous moments when the scales go down and want to shout it out. most of us don't share our slip ups you do emoticon
    it so helpful to those of us hiking with you to know that its O Kay to slip up
    we are not perfect emoticon . thanks for sharing its alright if slip and skin our knee its not alright to just give up and see I didn't do I can't do it so why keep trying. we need to remember real life on this trail is not like on TV where the person say I lost --- weight in 6 weeks and all I did was eat the prepared meal and the weight just fell off if can do it so can you is not true its not that easy. emoticon emoticon for sharing and emoticon emoticon emoticon

    1770 days ago
    Losing over 70lbs in just a year is a great achievement, I think you have mastered the trade just about now. Congratulations and there is no going back. Remain Blessed.
    1770 days ago
    Be only afraid of standing still, because your future awaits.
    1771 days ago
    Be proud of all you've accomplished so far & emoticon emoticon
    What an awesome & inspiring blog! Thanks so much for sharing!
    1771 days ago
    It can take quite a while to adjust to a change in your body, like losing weight. Don't forget you've done VERY well so far. Maybe you just need to be where you are, and focus on doing healthy things and eating right.

    I'm 48 and I notice that I have a hard time to keep up with the changes of age in my body. Menopause and perimenopause are things that are not to be mocked or overlooked! And getting joint complaints, poorer eyesight and that sort of problems - it all takes time to adjust to these things, accept them.
    So in your case I think you are dealing with the changes that come once you're nearing or are over 50 AND with the change in size. So you have a right to feel confused! Just keep going.

    And - I LOVE your hair on your profile picture. I think you look wonderful. I also think we all need to feel, in our heart, what we want to do with dress, make-up and such. If YOU like it, that's what matters. But like I said I think it may take some time. Trust yourself and continue to support yourself!
    1771 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/15/2013 3:11:35 PM
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    1771 days ago
    Pixie, I am with SHARIKAYE. You are just wonderful and caring. I am self sabatoging also. It is not a good thing to do. I am going to take it moment by moment today and see if I can get to the bottom of this nonsense that I do. You have come so far. Don't let up. You are such a wonderful person and give so much to others. Take care of yourself. You are so worth it. Love yourself by going to the healthy side of the fence. I am pulling for you. You give me strength. I am sending some to you.
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    1771 days ago
    Hope you are not too old for long hair. I'm right behind you and I'm not ready to give mine up. emoticon Seriously though, when it comes to hair, make-up, clothes, it is what makes you feel good and not some norm set up by society. My mom told me a 100 years ago women over 40 shouldn't have long hair. About 44 I bought it and cut mine off, grew it back. I was told older woman can wear frosted lipstick. My favorite color is a frosted pink. emoticon

    Like my kiddos tell me, do you. You are the best you there is. You'll figure out who she is. emoticon
    1771 days ago
    Awesome Pixie. Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. You are a new version of yourself. Healthy and Fit!!!! Congratulations. emoticon
    1771 days ago
    Thanks for sharing
    1771 days ago
    I feel the same way. I'm about to hit 40, and with the changes I'm making in my life, it's hard to wrap my head around myself and figure out who I am. Thank you for the post.
    1771 days ago
    great blog!
    1771 days ago
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    1771 days ago
    Pixie, I love how you are so honest! I can relate to feeling like you don't know who you are. This whole journey is about self-discovery. Some days I fret about it more than others. I think I am finding out more about myself every day. Hopefully I will just arrive at who I am.
    You always inspire me. I love the little notes you leave on my page. They always pick me up.
    Thank you for being a friend. You have so many, yet you take time for me.
    Relax, have fun discovering who you are.
    1771 days ago
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