Going Wrong but Going On
Thursday, April 11, 2013
So. I fell. Hard. I have gone back and forth when it comes to being motivated for weight loss. I've watched Jillian Michaels' show, "Losing It" on YouTube for awhile now. So much emotional pain has driven their needs for food and satisfaction there. I see my patterns of going back and forth, back and forth, and I gotta come to the conclusion that there is something holding me back from moving completely forward with all motivation and heart put into it.
What if there's an emotional pain? One of the episodes of "Losing It" had a girl named Michelle, I believe, who was 260 pounds before she had a "tummy tuck" sort of thing -- a surgery to help her lose weight. She lost the weight, but she still had the "fat girl mentality" or whatever. She was so beautiful! In her mind, though, she was still fat and incapable of being fit or fine.
Jillian was asking her to do sit ups and she couldn't even do five. She is 160 pounds, I think, but couldn't do 5 sit ups. I was amazed! Thought all skinny girls could do those! (yeah, I know... I was mistaken haha) As she tried, she kept falling backwards and failing. Jillian looked at her and just spoke into her life like crazy! She said to her "Let go of the fat girl! Let her be happy!"
I started crying. It's not necessarily the "fat girl" I need to let go of. I'm still that fat girl right now! What I need to let go of is that "lonely girl" ... middle school was full of bullying and depression and suicidal thoughts and self-injury for me. I was lonely, afraid, and broken! I still have that mentality sometimes! And I think it holds me back in my life, my ministry, and my weight loss goals.
I'm not depressed anymore... I'm not suicidal or cutting anymore...
But my mentality is still in this "broken girl" point in my life.
I kept thinking I have to lose weight to get out of it... but maybe to lose weight, I need to get out of it....
All this doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying because I still have some emotional issues I need to work out. It means that I'm going to be more aware when I start to make excuses... maybe they're just reasons to not believe in myself instead of real, true excuses.