Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Or lack thereof. : )
I had a rough day today, and my week so far hasn't been as successful as I would like. I have the proverbial angel and demon sitting on my shoulders, only for me one is optimism and one is pessimism. My normally optimistic conscience doesn't like this long period of dark pessimism I've been suffering through.
I used to never let anything get me down. What happened?
I had a pity party today and went through an entire bag of chocolate covered almonds. Yep.
I bought them, telling myself it was a bad idea, but that I would be strong and limit my intake. Didn't happen. I had been good all day. Protein shake for breakfast, jerky snack, PB & J sandwich for lunch, light on the J.
Then, I got a text from my sister with the happy news - she's now pregnant. Yay. I should be happy, but it sent me spiralling out of control. Why, after I've been praying for months, grieving my miscarriage, feeling pressure and stress in my marriage from not being able to conceive when my husband and I want a baby. I felt/feel so pathetic. Then I got a text from my trainer. The workout I was looking forward to, to help me get my mind off things and free up my caged emotions, was cancelled. It's a "rest day." Why, when I always want one, do I only get one on a really bad day? lol
I feel like a horrible person. I should be happy about it, but I'm not. With the exception of my best friend who is in a happy lesbian relationship, every woman I know under the age of 35 has gotten pregnant this year. My other best friend, my sister, my ex-friend, women who go to the gym with me, three cousins' daughters who are in the family generation after mine.
But I had to put things into perspective, too.
We got pregnant the first time on a fluke, the week of our honeymoon, one week after we got married. All the conditions were right. I was at my healthiest, my husband was at his healthiest, we were stress free, and not really even trying. It seemed like fate, and I was on top of the world when we found out. I could feel that I was preggo within two weeks. But we lost her. I say her because we decided on a gender even though it was too soon to really know. Even gave her a name.
And we started trying almost immediately. And it's been.... October, November, December, all the way to now... April. In perspective, it's only been 7 months. But each month we have tried so hard, keeping track of days, trying to lose weight and stay positive, taking vitamins. Without success.
Also, my sister and her husband only plan to have 2 children. After her first, we always talked about timing her second and my first close together. I'm feeling discouraged with each month that passes. And now I feel left behind, like even my sister doesn't have enough faith in me to wait. I know I shouldn't feel that way. I should be happy for her, and I am, but the bad thing is that my happiness is bittersweet, and I am so selfishly worried about my own problems.