Day 33 Juicing and ramblings of the heart
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Scale was down .2 ! I am in awe that everyday it goes down even if it is only .2... every .2 counts!
It is unbearably hot here.. 88 degrees at 4pm and I live in Philly. What is wrong with this picture. And yes in this heat I am making my veggie soup, because I know that I need it to be successful on my plan.
But today I don't want to write about juicing, though the end point will bring me back to juicing. I want to talk about how peeling the layers disguised as pounds bring up very deep emotions. Yes, I touched this subject a couple of days ago, but apparently there are even more things. Things that make you run to soft mushy sweet cake foods because they remind you of love. Or the essence of love. Every time I think of my feathered baby who passed and it hurts so bad, I crave twinkies.. even to this day and its close to 8 years... shows you how much emotions and food are connected.
2+ years ago when I joined Spark People I was making major changes in my life. And at that time I was in a toxic long distance relationship(rebound ) that I realized would never come to fruition . It was a tough time and thanks to all of you listening to me wail about it ( I have the blogs to prove it!) I overcame it and am at a much better place. What I never did though was remove him from my fb friends list and the other night he posted that he got married... I am happy for him, but you can see that this triggered some deep issues.
And this time there is food to run to. No way to stuff the feelings of bringing up the pain from losing love - not only his but the previous 2 serious relationships I had. It's really easy to play the victim and say why me, but I walked out of all of my relationships. Maybe I was just running away because I didn't want to face truths, or because I didn't trust my partners were honest with me. All I know is that FB is the spawn of the devil because every time I feel better about myself someone posts something that takes me a step back in my emotional growth.
Ok I have to admit, him getting married wasn't as bad as the one who after he told me he didn't want kids, married the next girl.. and had a baby. I think I was numb for a month after that one. But the news of the last one's marriage did bring back the memory of reading of the baby of the previous one... and I am sure it will hurt just as much when this one posts that he just became a father too,
I really don't know what to say to myself at this point. I know I am a kind, caring, loving , talented woman who has tons to offer,(and an amazing cook and juicer too) and someday I will get the relationship, the house and the children that I always dreamed of. In the mean time I am working on focusing on reaching goals.
So Even though I heard traumatic news for my psyche here are some improvements in my reaction:
1) instead of playing mind games I blogged
2) instead of thinking of foods that would hinder my growth , I planned my meals for the next 2 days and got to cooking and juicing.
3) reached out to a couple of close friends so they know If I need an ear, all I have to do is call.
4) Tapping on: I am where I am, I trust the universe always provides what I need, And - Even though I got hit with a hard emotional blow I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Sitting here thinking about this whole issue, I think what bothered me the most was that he said he eloped...And that is what we had discussed...I guess I should focus now on a BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING ? LOL
And such is life.
Gonna finish my Mean Green and pray that this heat finds Florida where it belongs.