Tuesday, April 09, 2013
I got really angry last night when I was making dinner and Silly kept meowing at me. Instead of stopping, putting him outside and quietly letting Dave know that I was frazzled I just kept escalating and screaming at Silly until I was really angry and Dave got all subdued and scared of me (which of course pissed me off).
The icky bit only lasted 5-10 minutes before I changed state as we settled down to watch wrestling, and we ended up in a good space, but it need not have happened at all.
When I yell at the cats I am really demonstrating my big pattern, which is getting angry about something instead of asking for what I need. It is also one of my set ups" in that I am yelling in the hopes that Dave will come and rescue me... this never happens yet I keep on hoping he will do it.
Last night I asked for help to put away the groceries but Dave asked if he had to help, and I did it alone. What i really wanted was for him to help but I assumed his needs were more important than mine and gave in and did it myself.
I didn't want to cook dinner and arranged for Dave to have pasta and stir through, but he asked if he had to do it, and so I did it. Again I assumed his needs were more important than mine and just agreed to do it myself.
This is critical as this is VERY much a pattern Dave does - agreeing to do something and then asking if he really has to do it. Or saying "you don't mind if I" when he bails on something...
This is also the EXACT pattern of when I was being sexually abused and my abuser said they would stop if I wanted them to, but then made it very clear they didn't want to stop and basically asked did they have to stop, and of course I gave in.
This is my worst and most triggering pattern ever an I have ended up with a husband who does it.
I need to make sure I step out of my half of the cycle and not perpetuate the pattern.
So no wonder after two of these in a row I was a bit on edge, and then being hassled by the cat - I HATE being hassled when I am cooking because they do not let up, and I keep tripping over them and getting really angry.
This dinner was made to suit his schedule. We watched wrestling to suit his schedule. I set up the wrestling dvd and this was actually where I got really frazzled as it didn't play properly and I had to restart the system and I was stressing out because my planned timing wasn't working.
All up I only had 30 minutes of "me time" all of last night. So all of this sort of exploded at the tangible thing tat I felt safe to acknowledge. The cat.
So here is my pledge to myself.
A) simply pick up the cat and put them outside when I am cooking, and let Dave know why. Do this BEFORE I get angry, as soon as it is clear that the cat will bother me.
B) work on not letting Dave off the hook when he manipulates me with asking if he has to do something, or phrasing things with "you don't mind". Let him no he doesn't HAVE to, but I would like him to. Let him know if I do mind.
The other things from last night is he was drunk and babbling and I was trying to get stuff done and I put the water on for his dinner and said "I am putting the water on for your pasta now, s it will be read when you want it" He said "Ok'" but two minutes later sad he would put water on when he got back from the bottle shop. I made a dig about how he doesn't listen and it made him feel bad.
Here's the truth.
A) I wasn't listening to him, in fact I am pretty sure I interrupted him so many times that he never got out the point of his story, I certainly don't remember what it was. I was talking over him, and butting into his every pause. The comment about the water was just ONE of these but ins. I need to LISTEN to him!!
B)I need to STOP these passive aggressive unkindnesses that are cutting him down.
What I am grateful for about Dave:
He takes incredible care of my critters, which is one of the best forms of taking care of me.
He forgives me ALL the time when I am moody and horrible to him, he never holds a grudge or throws it up at me.
He warms me up, uncomplainingly any time I ask (I get COLD).
He loves wrestling the same way I do and we have so much fun watching it together, all snuggled up on the couch.
Simply pick up the cat and put them outside when I am cooking, and let Dave know why. Do this BEFORE I get angry, as soon as it is clear that the cat will bother me
I need to make sure I step out of my half of the cycle and not perpetuate the pattern. Work on not letting Dave off the hook when he manipulates me with asking if he has to do something, or phrasing things with "you don't mind". Let him know he doesn't HAVE to but what the consequences are eg it may not get done, and that I would like him to. Let him know if I do mind.
I need to LISTEN to him!!
I need to STOP these passive aggressive unkindnesses that are cutting him down.