Tuesday, April 09, 2013
April 8th 2013
Is it really April already? Yes. The past ..............Oh my, can it have been that long? Yes, it has been SEVEN weeks since I got off my plan. In seven weeks I managed to put back all the weight it took me 3 1/2 months to lose. I can honestly say that the small quiet voice that tells me I will try again tomorrow is the only thing that keeps me from giving up. That and all my wonderful friends on the Calorie Watchers team. I did get good news from the doctor that I am no longer considered pre-diabetic but the depression and anxiety have really been winning since late February. I leave for Jamaica on the 10th of this month and get back on the 16th. I am unsure of what will come after that. I know that I have got to find a way to come to terms with my present if I am ever going to reach my future. I think my issue with not being able to get out of the 200's has been the simple fact that I am trying to get to a place I can never go to again. That place is my past. When I lost 112 pounds in 2010, I thought I had reached the goal of getting back all those years I had wasted being fat. The truth is, I am not the same person I was back then and really don't want to be again. That is the trouble with histrionic thinking. Romanticising the past is a dagerous thing. I have to be who I am today and live in TODAY if I am ever going to make it to tomorrow. Having the ultimate goal is good but unless I ask myself," What can I do TODAY to get there?", it makes no difference having the goal in the first place. Looking back simply makes more obvious the futility of regret.
No more regret and no more teling myself that I have to do it this way or that way and then considering myself a failure because I didn't stick to my own unrealistic goals. God, give me strength.
I am really good at pretending to be strong. I want to BE strong. pretending can only go on for so long.