Monday, April 08, 2013
I fought hard today but I messed up big-time. It really does wear you down. I tried to take a nap but it was unsatisfactory and I still felt really beat up when I woke up. I thought "ok, screw this, I'm just going to force myself to get out of my apartment and go to a coffeeshop to work", and basically treated it like the end of some endurance event. I pushed to overcome physical fatigue. I had to - I can't sleep away half a day. I can't just waste time when my advisor actually made some effort to help me. I only have the rest of today and tomorrow, as I work again on Wednesday, and the seminar and meetings with my advisor are on Thursdays. I told myself I'm just going to do it!
So I got up and went to the coffeeshop. Maybe it wasn't a good idea that it was also a bakery. Long story short, I ended up eating one taro bun and the physical tiredness and general anxiety just blew up in my face. It wasn't digesting and I kept feeling it, along with my overeating from lunch, come up. I stuck it out for an hour dealing with that, trying to just brute force over it, but it wouldn't stop. I ended up buying more stuff to binge on and coming home and doing a full-out binge. Again (!) I always wonder what the heck it is that compels some of us to binge until we're in pain, and until we feel sick; is this not totally nonsense? But as usual I always remember that humans and their brains are strange things.
Anyway so that happened. I kind of cried in the shower and felt major feelings of anger and self-hatred, not only directed at my physical body but also at my lack of discipline and self-control. I know it's not productive. I know I need to move on. I'm just dumping my emotions here because I'm so, so frustrated and hopeless feeling right now. I feel like I haven't failed like this in a long time and it's just a really nasty reminder of what I still have to overcome.
Ok...that's my venting. I'm going to try to just move on and do the next right thing. Easier said than done, but I can at least try...