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Monday, April 08, 2013

I fought hard today but I messed up big-time. It really does wear you down. I tried to take a nap but it was unsatisfactory and I still felt really beat up when I woke up. I thought "ok, screw this, I'm just going to force myself to get out of my apartment and go to a coffeeshop to work", and basically treated it like the end of some endurance event. I pushed to overcome physical fatigue. I had to - I can't sleep away half a day. I can't just waste time when my advisor actually made some effort to help me. I only have the rest of today and tomorrow, as I work again on Wednesday, and the seminar and meetings with my advisor are on Thursdays. I told myself I'm just going to do it!

So I got up and went to the coffeeshop. Maybe it wasn't a good idea that it was also a bakery. Long story short, I ended up eating one taro bun and the physical tiredness and general anxiety just blew up in my face. It wasn't digesting and I kept feeling it, along with my overeating from lunch, come up. I stuck it out for an hour dealing with that, trying to just brute force over it, but it wouldn't stop. I ended up buying more stuff to binge on and coming home and doing a full-out binge. Again (!) I always wonder what the heck it is that compels some of us to binge until we're in pain, and until we feel sick; is this not totally nonsense? But as usual I always remember that humans and their brains are strange things.

Anyway so that happened. I kind of cried in the shower and felt major feelings of anger and self-hatred, not only directed at my physical body but also at my lack of discipline and self-control. I know it's not productive. I know I need to move on. I'm just dumping my emotions here because I'm so, so frustrated and hopeless feeling right now. I feel like I haven't failed like this in a long time and it's just a really nasty reminder of what I still have to overcome.

Ok...that's my venting. I'm going to try to just move on and do the next right thing. Easier said than done, but I can at least try...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You're OK, you're trying and recognizing the behaviors. Keep trying and know that we're out here to encourage you.
    1176 days ago
  • v SLEE103
    I agree, we are here to support you! Not only is tomorrow a new day, the next hour is a new hour, the next minute is a new minute. Turn it around, because you can! emoticon
    1176 days ago
    Aw, c'mon. You have some tools that you mentioned earlier (lists, maybe some photos). Are they in a place where you can access them easily? Posting them in your home won't help at the coffee shop, so maybe keep a "travel set" with you?

    If sleep won't come, maybe some restful meditation or even gentle yoga can help you calm your thoughts?

    Today is a new day. Put your best smile on and share it with the world. You are worth every effort!

    1176 days ago
    Don't be so hard on yourself....Tomorrow is another day to start fresh...hang in there we are here to support you.... emoticon emoticon
    1176 days ago
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