Sunday, April 07, 2013
My positive mood and outlook continues and I couldn't be happier with the progress I'm making. I've really struggled with feeling comfortable with who I am and saying negative things like I'm fat and ugly and don't deserve to go out with my friends because I'm not as pretty as them and no one is going to dance with me, etc. It's really scary and sad how easily those thoughts enter my head and run my life.
Last weekend I decided I needed to start making some changes and stop letting negativity run my life. I used to be the girl who went out all the time and hung out with my friends and had fun. Somewhere along the way I lost that girl but it's time for her to make a reappearance. So last Saturday I went out for dinner with friends and then to cosmic bingo. Sunday my friend and I went out for lunch to watch the basketball games which turned into a Sunday Funday and me being extremely hungover at work the next day but so worth it. And then Tuesday night I met up with friends at a bar to take some line dancing lessons and had a great time!
I'm not saying that negative thoughts didn't enter my mind at all, but I really challenged them when they did and continue to work on writing down ways I appreciate myself. I had an appt with K (my therapist but I'm sick of saying my therapist so I'm using her initial going forward) and it couldn't have gone better. For the first time since starting with therapy, I opened up about how I didn't adequate and how I have basically been letting my life pass me by and putting things on hold until I lose weight.
We talked alot about where this stems from and if I've ever been comfortable with who I am and my answer was a quick no. Even though I grew up in a really small community, I was made fun of alot and I was always in the "unpopular" crowd. So my entire life I've strived to be one of the popular people which in my mind meant I had to wear the right clothes and be the right size and have the perfect body and the list goes on. Being these things was the only way I was ever going to be accepted.
I haven't let go of what I went though in my childhood...and I need to. K said to me - "shannon you're about to be in your 30's - I understand kids are mean and say/do awful things but you need to let what you went through go. People in their 30's don't care about those things. They care about their friends and jobs and family and all these other great things that don't revolve around the superficial world. " She basically said that I'm the only one who cares about my weight. I have friends - they don't care about my weight. I have family - they don't care about my weight. I have these people in my life because I am funny and strong and determined and have great qualities that people just want to be around.
This is quite a journey that we are all on. I don't know how it ever got so engraned in all of our heads that we weren't good enough at a certain weight but I feel like most of us struggle with this. And each and every single one of us needs to let that idea go. I'm not saying that we can't strive to lose weight and be a healthier person, but I'm starting to realize that in order to get to that point, I need to learn to be comfortable with the person I am today, right now in this moment. I can work on changing things about myself, but that doesn't mean it's going to make me a better person, because I'm a fabulous person the way I am right now.