Sunday, April 07, 2013
I rediscovered carbs the last couple of weeks. I totally binged on cereal and granola bars. I even had a maple scone at Starbucks yesterday. I have felt bloated, enormous and negative.
I have been overwhelmed by everything in my life. My living situation, my financial situation, are both in a very poor state. I cannot easily change either.
We just went through the personnel review process at job #1. My job has completely changed this year thanks to our new enterprise-wide software system. I feel as if I am a brand-new employee with all the excitement and fear that entails. I have been given very nebulous guidance about what I need to do to earn the promotion, title and raise that I strongly want. It turns out the money may not come with it. If you look at the labor statistics for "paralegal", they are generally broken down by the salaries in San Francisco vs the salaries in San Jose. I work nearly midway between and there is no specific breakdown for the midPeninsula. My company, of course, chooses the lower range (San Jose) and tells me that, because, by virtue of my service and past raises, my salary is already in range.
Part of the review process includes a ranking. The ranking scale was changed at the end of the review period so that no one can earn an "exceeds expectations" rating. Couple that with the lack of a raise in my future, I am deflated by this review.
Family and friends are clamoring for me to visit. There is another high school reunion, my adopted mom is failing, a dear friend has been asking me to come see her for a few years - a long list of trips. I can afford none. This year, I could take the time, but cannot afford to do anything.
I just spent over $1K on my car and need to spend about 3 times that soon. I cannot afford to replace it - car payments and increased insurance would be an even greater burden.
Lots of stress.
I am not sleeping well. Seasonal allergies, seasonal asthma and migraines have laid me flat.
I have nothing to lose by starting my paleo experiment. It will have to be done on the cheap. I am ignoring the huge bin of cereal, of beans, pasta and rice that I have in the house. This will be a challenge, but I need to make a positive change.
I had egg substitute and sausage for breakfast along with 2 cups of coffee. The coffee included nonfat milk and artificial sweetner - an imperfect start, but a start nonetheless.
I need to lose weight. I need to lose weight for my health, for quality of life, so I can get a new wardrobe, so I can feel good about myself, so I can move forward. I feel frozen in so many ways.