I really don't know how to write this blog but somehow I feel like I want to. The past week has been all over the boards with regards to feelings and generally being overwhelmed with all that I have to do.
My brother has died as many of you know. Thank you so much for your supportive comments and goodies. To know that I have good Spark friends out there means very much to me. It has been of a great help to me in the past week to think of you all and allow my self even to have little conversations in my head with you!
The brother that passed away was my younger one...the troubled one. He was found on April 1 by my parents upon their return from their winter break in the south. There is no official report yet as to the cause of his death but most likely it was an alcohol overdose. There is also a question as to how long he had been gone since they were away for over a month and had lost contact with him at the end of February. I think this is causing a lot of guilt on their part...wondering if they should have tried to do something when he stopped answering his phone. The reality is though that on many many occasions he had dropped communications with them and disappeared or checked him self into a rehab so they just assumed that is was what happened. He was 42, not a child.
Admittedly we all knew it was a possibility though...it always was. When they told me several weeks ago that he was missing I knew that he could have passed away...and I knew that we would not know until my parents returned from their trip...on April 1.
I have been trying to let myself just be...trying not to tell myself how to feel or how to act. This is a very difficult thing for me and those connected with my family. He was my brother and of course his passing never should have happened. He should have valued life and relished in all of the chances that my parents gave him. He should have taken it seriously when he was told how badly ravaged his body was by alcohol. He should have realized how important he was to my parents, as any child should be, and done what he could for them if he couldn't do it for himself. But he was unable to and here we are...saddened by a life lost. Saddened by a life wasted.
I feel for my parents the most. No one should have to go through what they did...what they are still going thorough. He died as he lived...leaving a wake of chaos and mess for others for sort through and deal with. My mother feels the need to keep reminding people that we are all coming together to remember him and that this is a solemn occasion. My father is hurt the most I think because he gave up so much FOR him and kept on blindly believing in him.
I was the first one to give up ON him. I walked away out of sheer self preservation. I would have been very happy for him to change and yet I knew that I was powerless to help.
I feel like I am not ready to go back and yet of course I have to. I am not sure if I am strong enough. Am I strong enough? I keep trying to figure out how I will react when he says all of those weird things to me...and then I remember he will not be there. I try to figure out just the right thing to wear and I keep checking my roots for grey so he can't be cruel...then I remember he won't be there. I hope he won't try and bring me down in front of my children...try to belittle me in their eyes...and then I remember...he is really gone. That is WHY I am going. It all makes me feel slightly crazy.
No more crazy drama from him. No more unbelievable stories of insanity to add to the list. No more worrying if it is OK that he will do something that will show up on the news. He is gone. I was watching Person of Interest the other day and one of the new women characters spouted out that she had an Access Two Personality Disorder, the same thing that my brother is said to have had. Some writer must have come across it somewhere and thought it sounded cool. Nonsense. Trust me... this kind of person is not cool and could never care about people in the way that they portray this woman. I know.
How do you remember someone like that? I am struggling with that. I have noticed that people seem to be thinking about him when he was a child. I guess. I was there when he was a child too though and it wasn't all that great. Funny stories? Not so much. Not for me anyway...I was told by my parents my whole life that I have no sense of humor. I did not find his brand of humor funny. People back home thought I hated him but once I got away it was not true. I felt sad for him, but mostly I don't even think that is what you talk about when remembering someone. I plan on focusing on my parents and being of comfort where I can to them. One thing I can say in all honesty is that he is at peace now. My parents can live a far more peaceful life too.
In some ways I am happy to be going back to the US. I realized that my children will be able to meet my favorite uncle who showers them with gifts at the holidays and on their birthdays even though he has never met them in person. Actually lots of relatives have never met my children...Liam for sure since he has never been there. We are staying for a week so I can bring them to the Twin Cities and to the town where Quintessa was born to see the house that was once her home. There will be good things about being there for sure. Patrick will spend his 40th birthday in the State that he most feels is home.
The week has been stressful and chaotic and messy for sure...sadness, anger, excitement and apprehension all mixed together. I am just trying to move forward...do what I have to do and let myself feel what ever it is I need to feel to get through this. If I don't get a chance to blog again before I get back I want to thank you, my Spark Friends for all of your constant support and for "listening" to me. If it were possible and I was in the States for longer I would be wanting to meet my wonderful Spark friends for real.