Saturday, April 06, 2013
The comments on my last blog really got me thinking.
First off, I'm glad people who comment on my blogs are open and honest, and tell me what they think. I really do appreciate it. I do not find any value to people only telling you what they think you want to hear. They are a waste of my time.
So thank you for the honesty in your comments.
This one really got me thinking.
Do I love my hubby?
There are times I wonder. We rub each other the wrong way.
He's a neat freak. I'm someone who wants my things left where I put them. That's the only way I can find them.
He's always happy. Especially in the morning. I'm so NOT a morning person. Especially when my depression kicks in and starts to take over.
He's had a "commercial perfect" life up to now. Honestly. He's had some heartache - loosing is father, loosing his wife almost 2 years ago. But aside from those things, his life in general has been great. His mother is a happy person too. She his father loved each other deeply. He's close to his mother and his sister.
My life - well, I won't go into it. But in a nutshell, I suffer PTSD and there's a reason for it. Hubby bought my mother a mothers day card - I don't really have any interest in it.
He loves me. She shows it every day. He says it all the time. He makes me feel safe for one of the first times in my life. He's doing his best to make me comfortable in his life.
In all honesty, if I didn't love him, his comments, faces, reactions, etc would not really bother me. I've been too independent for too long. I really don't care what others think about me. Never really have. Except for those few I let into my heart.
Those are the ones who have the power to hurt me. To upset me.
So in a nutshell, despite all our differences, I really do love him.
There are times I'm worried. Worried that I'm bringing too much stress into his life. That I'm the reason he's upset sometimes. I don't want to do that to him. So when I'm contemplating that this might not be right or work out, it's mostly because I feel I can't live up to it. I can't be the person he deserves.
One thing I do know, I can't do it like this. My health is starting to fail again because of the weight. Both physical and mental. I need to fix it.
I know I need to vent my anger. Pretending it's not there only makes things worse. It's not directed at anyone. I've tried to talk to hubby about this. Maybe I need to try again. Word it differently. Help him understand it's a defense mechanism of mine. And if I just pretend it's not there, it gets much worse. The anger starts to turn inwards. I begin to hate myself. It's not pretty.
I wish I knew another way. I just don't. I am trying, but I can't do something that feels completely wrong just to make someone else happy.
That being said, I am "medicating" my moods this weekend. I don't do that. I refuse to do that. But this week, the PMS seems so extreme. It's hard on me. It's hard on Lee. I needed to do something. So I tried. I'm looking for other ways to treat this next time. Right now it's just get through it the best way possible.
So that's our relationship in a nutshell.
I guess there's actually more to it than that. Hubby wants to get married. He has for a long time. I'm dragging my feet. I'm scared. I'm not used to trusting someone so completely. To rely on them so heavily. To open up to them. I don't know if I ever will completely open up to Lee. I honestly don't think he could handle it. There are some things some people just can't handle knowing exist out there in the real world. They are just to horrific to believe.
That said, he knows there's something ugly in my past. He's seen how my mother can be and how hard it is on me. He's even been supportive in my decision to pull away from her again. In fact, for a while he was insisting I needed to do it - for my own health.