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    MELOFALLTRADES   1,320
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When that person reaches their goal weight...and becomes an expert!

Friday, April 05, 2013

Hi friends!

I've just noticed that most of my blogs I've posted are from when I've reached out for advice or talked out of frustration, so I'm going to try and tie some positivity into them from now on as well.

So...for the frustration portion of our show today:

Some of you may recall my rants about my friend Kate who I had a falling out with and just got back in touch with...and how she lost over 100 pounds while we weren't friends...well, it's been a real struggle for me to try and rekindle our friendship. A part of me first thought that it was competitive nature that was getting in the way of us becoming friends again because it was so easy to compare myself to her...same age, same likes, both married, etc. BUT one big difference--the weight issue.

She's really different since she became a size 6...and not the same considerate person I used to know. I'm glad she's healthier and happy, but she's become obsessed with her weightloss and story; she has made a short autobiography about herself and has submitted it to several places like an online fitness website, The Biggest Loser and local news companies. And this is ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT! I'm not even sure if she does anything but work out and talk about it anymore. She's also considering becoming involved professionally in health and fitness (which is what I went to school for and what I'm also incorporating in my nursing career), which is great...except she constantly tries to give me unwanted advice about losing weight and what to eat--and based on my education, she seriously needs to reevaluate a few things. She may have lost a lot of weight, but she sure isn't 100% healthy.

I'm almost embarrassed to talk about this on my blog, but it's really been eating at me for a while. Do I just stop communicating with her or how do I deal with it? I'd like to stay friends with her, but I'm afraid that if I approach her with how I feel, she'll secretly hate me. Has anyone else gone through something like this or have known someone who's acted this way after a huge weight loss?

On the positive side, I'm using this experience to help me stay motivated; I try and do my own research on health and really visualize the day where I'm so fit and healthy that Kate won't feel the need to give me suggestions when I don't ask for them. That's positive, right?

Haha, but seriously--I really do visualize the day I will be strong enough to play soccer with college guy friends again and wear a bikini. I want to walk without feeling things jiggle and wear nice jeans that fit without creating a muffin top. Visualization has really been helping me stick with working out every day. This is probably going to sound funny, but I also look at my body in a full-length mirror and think about the way it will be changing this year. I try and surround myself with inpiration too like pictures, quotes, good food and I bought clothing articles that I would eventually like to fit into that I've hung up to look at. I WILL get there and I can't wait.

Last thought: I'm so thankful that this site exists and there are so many of you that I can look up to. Thank you all for being there for me and everyone else in one way or another!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELOFALLTRADES 4/10/2013 5:59PM

    Thanks for all of the support everyone!

JEEEENNNNNNNN! No, I'm not surprised by the novels you write anymore, haha. Thanks for the advice! I think that my biggest problem now is feeling guilty if I parted ways with her--like I gave up on her, you know? Despite how it affects me negatively I can't help but think back to the last time I didn't support her. BUT...it really drains me to see her this way and contrary to what people might think, I'm not complaining about her out of jealousy or being competitive...what she says really makes me upset and sometimes makes me feel like a failure. And by confronting her, I know she's going to think that it's a jealousy thing. And LOOK! Wow, I just re-read that...and maybe I really should step away from her for a while until maybe she comes down from this high...if she ever does.

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JEMLOVA29 4/10/2013 2:53PM

    Mel! About Kate - man it gets so tiresome hearing the same topics over and over again with one-track-mind friends. In a way I can really see how easy it would be to become that way... I mean after she has struggled and worked really hard, becoming temporarily obsessed in order to reach the goals - it would be easy to become that person if that's what your life revolves around. However anyone would hope that after a major weight loss one wouldn't become so "shallow" - I don't mean that offensively, I only say shallow because if that's all she has to talk about, there really isn't much depth as far as topics go lol.

The thing is, no matter how much we want to tweak these personality traits sometimes, it really just isn't possible. And even if it were possible, would either of you want to be friends with each other knowing you had to change what makes you you? lol I don't know... maybe I'm rambling.

My sister had weight loss surgery just over a year ago and she became flat out obsessed with herself. With her weight loss, her caloric intake, everything was (and still is mostly) all about her and how great she looks, and how her tummy can only fit x amount, etc... Well we went on vacation together last year post op and the ENTIRE time - including the 30 hours of driving, the only thing she had to talk about was what she can/can't eat, how much she eats, and it was very repetitive and quite annoying. I had to sit her down and tell her that it's not even about me feeling bad for myself - it's the fact that when she got thin she became someone I couldn't recognize on the inside, and I was fearful that I wouldn't like her - because I didn't like her all she had to say was "my weight loss this, my caloric intake that". It's easier I think because she's my sister and not just a friend so we have a tight bond, but I think it's worth having a conversation with Kate about before throwing in the towel - that said, if you do have the conversation and she is still annoying and all about herself and all the knowledge she has - I'd throw in the towel.

Sometimes friends aren't meant to be lifelong. If you take a step back and look at Kate - everything she is... ask yourself: If I met Kate today (not years ago), would I want to be a part of her life? Would I want her to be a part of my life? Would we be honest, legitimate friends to each other? If you are honest with yourself and if the answer is no - no matter how hard to admit - then it is probably time to move on.

I'm not saying it's not worth trying and working it out - it just depends on how much you value that particular friendship. And remember, if it turns out you DON'T value it all that much, it's not a fault - it's just honest reality and it's sometimes good to feel sure about something that way. KEEP US POSTED.

I'm not apologizing for this novel Mel haha, you should be used to it by now!



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DEBBYFROMMT 4/10/2013 9:51AM

    Your background in nursing is a good thing. I am a nurse too, and had to take a nutrition class when I was in school (ok that was a long time ago and knowledge in nutrition has changed, but the basics are still the same). Anyway you have to do it for yourself. It sorta sounds like your friend has an obsessive personality. Eating in the past and fitness now. Keep yourself balanced and enjoy the journey!

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TWNOMWE 4/9/2013 4:57PM

    If you feel uncomfortable with that friendship then distance yourself. Just keep on your own journey.

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MELOFALLTRADES 4/8/2013 6:07PM

    Hey Jen! I can't wait to hear it!!!

Also--I stumbled upon this article today and it completely ties into this discussion (the "too happy" syndrome and telling you how to be happy) Very uncanny!

http://janefriedman.com/201
0/07/20/i-distrust-toohappy-peo
ple/



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JEMLOVA29 4/8/2013 3:13PM

    Ah I have no time but I sure would like to comment on this, I will hit you up tomorrow to add my 2 cents.

I'll just throw in here that you are amazing and you will do amazing on this journey and you're in it for the right reasons. To be a healthier, happier person. For you! Not Kate! I am so excited to follow your transformation, and I can only hope that I will be right beside you at the finish line. We will have to have some little cyber parties along the way.

Keep up your awesomeness Mel! I will comment more in terms of your blog tomorrow or hopefully even later tonight. Much love to you!

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MELOFALLTRADES 4/7/2013 3:13PM

    Wow, thank you EVERYONE! I really needed that; all of your suggestions and thoughts are wonderful! And you all make very good points. So after all, I've decided this:

1. I want to give Kate the benefit of the doubt and still try and be her friend. I agree that this euphoria for her may not last long...and if I want to be a good friend, I'll be there if and when she needs me.

2. BUT I need to set boundaries; I'm working on myself now and I can't let others--even friends--make me upset and sabotage my results. She needs to know that I will ASK if I need to. And if she gets upset about it, I have to move beyond it and do my own thing.

3. Again...I just need to stay motivated and not let things like this bring me down. I say it all the time, but I'm really glad for this online community for helping others. You're all great!

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MIRAGE727 4/7/2013 3:02PM

    I hit that century mark about a month ago. I've been maintaining for almost two years. I only know what I've researched and what I've learned here on FB. I believe the best way that I work with friends online and in real life is to share my personal experiences, good & bad, and not be the authoritative expert!

I must admit I am not good with the know-it-all so called "experts." I don't waste my time listening to them and will let them know where I'm at. Egotists are short lived around me. It's the same with those who prefer to kill themselves slowly by living unhealthy lives. I've actually lost friends because they don't want to be around others living the healthy lifestyle. It could be guilt, fear, or whatever. Your friend would hear how I felt. She has the choice...but so do I. It's almost a reverse negativity factor.

But I haven't experienced her actions firsthand. You have to make that decision. BUT, don't let it work on you emotionally. THAT's not healthy for you and you need to be a bit selfish out that. It's not a bad thing. All the best...
Monty
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DDOORN 4/6/2013 10:03PM

    Imagery is powerful stuff! Hat's off to you for cultivating this skill!

As for your friend: if you have much time and history between the two of you and you would like to make an effort to resuscitate your relationship then I would be straight up with her and talk about the changes in your relationship since she has lost her weight. Remark on how you miss the times you shared together when you and she would do ____ (fill in the blank). Express a wish to be able to enjoy the time you spend with each other. Draw some boundaries: "I know you are trying to help when you give me diet and workout advice, but it makes me feel badly and I don't want to feel badly when we're together. I might remind you of this and if you continue I may have to tell you that I can't be with you when you give me diet and workout advice and either leave or hang up the phone." Then follow through on the line in the sand that you've drawn.

Perhaps explain that while you are happy for her success, you each are unique persons and each of you have to find your own path toward building a healthy and well lifestyle. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. You are committed to making progress and in many ways you already have.

Your friend can only wave the baggy pants only so long before she realizes she'd better find some other means of gratification!

Don

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THINANDFITEMILY 4/6/2013 1:57PM

    I f you miss her and like her- despite what is going on- you have fun and all then just a bit of support is ok and hopefully she will not be so obsessed as time goes by?- how long has it been going on?
I think getting a job in the health field after losing weight and getting healthy is fine but it should not be your whole life? I mean what does she have to offer to others besides that and eventually it may not be enough for her. Let it play out if it is failry recent so you can connect again doing other things perhaps.
For ex you have a nursing career but I am sure you also have other things you like to do.
As for the so called superficial things like bikinis and all I too find them great motivators and I will be 52 in may and have had 4 kids and I am not ruling out the possiblity of a bikini this summer!- and/or at least some other kind of hot clothes.
Having good health as in being disease free and good energy is of course wonderful but those fun things can really keep you motivated when Ben and Jerry or whoever comes a calling and you can just say no! emoticon
so- I think your visualization idea is emoticon
Also though back again to what is going on with your friend I am looking forward some day to not having weight loss as almost a part time job. I can't wait for the day I get to goal and I can maintain with what I learned works without having to obsess!
Isn't it going to be great?

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MICAROO 4/6/2013 6:23AM

    Friends, by definition, are people who want to spend time together because they enjoy each other's company. If you don't enjoy her company anymore...for whatever reason...then just don't spend time with her. IMHO
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FIGHTING4IT 4/6/2013 1:48AM

    I think you have to decide how important your friendship is with Kate. If the friendship is important enough to deal with her new obsession then i say stick with it. However, if not then I wouldn't waste my time. Personally I'm not the type to confront her about how she's acting because I don't think it ever does any good. Try your visualization idea with your friendship with her and without her to see which scenario you like best. Good luck!

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