Ever read the right words at the right time? I did. Yesterday. Thanks to Yoovie, I started following Nerd Fitness (love this guy and blogs with Lego figures are *always* cooooool plus he totally appeals to my Geek side with constant reference to Star Wars and the like). He put out the most amazing blog yesterday and one that I have a couple times:
I think I can identify with about 95% of the women of the world when I fully admit I tend to compare myself to others. I did it just the other day (a particularly bad day, mind you -- one that you beg to press the restart button on more than once). I was at the store having barely gotten the kids to school on time, finally able to calm my heartrate to a normal rhythm. I was pushing my sweet little guy in the cart and looked up and standing there holding her double shot latte from Starbucks, jewelry flashing (I don't dare wear jewelry btw, I am dreadfully afraid of having it ripped out of my ears or off of my neck by my inquisitive little guy
), talking on her phone, toting her skinny jeans and perfect hair and make up (I had barely had time that morning to get in a shower much less the luxury of applying make up and fixing my hair the way I like it -- total messy ponytail day) with a baby about the same age of my little man. My heart sunk! I did that instantaneous comparison with her and her perfect... well, everything and me standing there with my.... well, my imperfect everything. I felt about 2 inches high.
The stupid thing about it is that only I can make myself feel that way. I don't know that lady any more than she knew me. But yet, here I stood feeling completely crappy and unhappy.
Envious of the fact that some moms get to look like that so soon after having a baby. And then there's me...
But that has been the story of me for the last almost two years. Ever since I had my little man and have not been able to budge a damn thing with the scale. I am not gaining, mind you, but I am not losing either. It sucks and it makes me want to cry more often than not. Last night my husband asked me why I always seem so sad. I was honest with him and told him how I have been feeling and my feelings of inadequacy when it comes to my outward appearance. He, being the wonderful man that he is, told me that I am waaaaaay too hard on myself (never heard that one before.....
) for one and for another he told me something that I had never considered -- he said that I spend so much time focusing on everything I do wrong and everything I don't like about myself instead of changing my mindset to think more positive. As he put it, the mind is a powerful, powerful thing. He suggested I start thinking like I would if I was at my goal. How would I see myself differently? How would I talk to myself differently? How would I go through daily life differently? The funny thing is is that he is like *always* complementing me on how I look. I love that man so much. He does so much to try to make me feel better, but like he also said, he can say it a hundred times and it won't matter until I believe it from within.
I had found a peace and happiness with myself not too long before I got pregnant. I had maintained my goal weight for about four years and had a deep appreciation for fitness, healthy foods and how they worked with my body. I have that same appreciation now, but for whatever reason, my body just seems to not want to cooperate. I guess I am still working to figure it all out and am just tired of feeling at war with myself constantly. I want to look good. I will admit it. It is vanity pure and simple. I don't want to go into the store and fit nicely into a size 12, I want to fit into a size 8 again. I want to feel good in a pair of shorts and not feel so extremely embarrassed and self conscious. I want to wear shirts the shirts that I used to, shirts that I could wear without having oozy stuff hanging out.
I guess the part that completely sucks is that I put in a hell of a lot of effort. 5am workouts every morning, 6 days a week and typically an afternoon workout when little guy goes to bed. My eating, I do feel has needed a bit of tweaking (thus the higher calories and upping the protein) but has been good. I don't buy junk food. I don't frequent the fast food places (Chic-Fil-A was the only exception the other day and that was an isolated event), I buy organic as much as I can with our single income budget. I just feel so disgusted and irritated most of the time and it ALL stems from this. I don't want to get to the point that this start impacting more areas of my life, like I fear that it is beginning to. I don't want to feel so grumpy and irritable toward my family and toward myself. I don't want to feel so ashamed at my outward appearance. I am tired of it.
Is my weight unhealthy? No. Am I overweight? No. Like I said, it is pure vanity. Something that I think we all have or else we wouldn't be here blogging about stuff like this. Am I right? I mean, really.
I guess what I want is to find that place in myself that I can be happy with myself without finding complacency. Be more accepting of myself but still be able to work hard to be that better version of myself. Does that make sense? I seem to shift from one end of the spectrum to the other. Either I am full blown into the weight loss thing or I get frustrated and turn back to intuitive eating. I have done that quite a bit over the last two years and here I sit with the same amount of frustration. I would love to find that healthy balance that can combine the two. LIke I said above, be happy with who I am accepting of all of my flaws but still work on improving.
Fact of the matter is this: I love eating healthy foods and I absolutely LOVE working out. Somehow, something has got to budge and I have got to start shifting things around. My goal is to be able to join a gym come fall. I don't want to do it now since the kids are just a few weeks shy of summer vacation and I know it will be something that won't get used as often as I could justify with paying a monthly fee.
So I guess I am to a point that I really need to start working on some of my inner demons. Take my husband's advice and work on improving my thoughts. Maybe taking some quiet time each evening and write three things (or something) in my Fitbook that I did good at or feel good about. Make yet another paradigm shift into liking who I am. Not wanting to hide from my reflection or be so critical and judgmental about what looks back at me. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who feels this way. I just think I tend to be a bit harsher with myself than others maybe?
One thing I am contemplating for this next week is taking a rest week. One thing that is stressed highly in the NRoL is rest time. As it is put: you don't get stronger from exercising, you get stronger recovering from exercising. Interesting concept. I can't think of the last time I really took a good, solid rest week. I have been doing Turbo Fire, ChaLEAN and the like then jumped into the NRoL so I do think that a good week of time off may be key. I am only a week into the NRoL for Life but I did do two weeks of NRoL for Women before and then twelve weeks of ChaLEAN before that so, yeah, I would say I am due.
Rest weeks are hard for me. I don't like feeling like I am not doing something. But taking a week to sleep in a bit (if possible and if little dude will let me
) and focusing on some yoga and light cardio may be key for me right now. Epiphany? Possibly.
Either way, yet another thing I need to work on. I guess the mind might be the good place to focus since the body just isn't doing what it should be based off of my food and activity. Mind over matter. Fake it until I make it kind of thing. We'll see...