Friday, April 05, 2013
It has been three weeks since I moved into the next phase of my weight loss journey and took a break from Spark (missed my peeps though) and here is how it has gone.
• My goal for the past 3 weeks was to eat when hungry and stop when full and TRUST that the body would let me know. I have done that fairly well. There have been a couple of times that I probably ate a little too much and I need to get over the idea of wasting food by finishing the last couple of bites even if I am full. If I want a healthy dessert I make sure to not eat as much for supper then wait 30 minutes to make sure that my body is truly hunger and it is just not my head wanting it.
• I needed to stop micromanaging my food intake. This has meant no weighing my food, no measuring my food, no counting calories but just eating good whole no sugar, no starch foods. This too has been pretty freeing. I still have the thoughts of am I eating too much food, am I eating too little food. Again, goes back to trusting the body and if I am eating junk free whole foods it will let me know.
• I have not got on the scale in almost a month and it has been both scary and freeing. When I saw Robin, she said that I needed to be prepared to gain all my weight back if I ate with hunger if gaining weight is what my body wanted to do. I needed to have this mentality to get my mind healthy. I am not sure if I have gained or not. Most of the pants are still fitting the same and I can check this weekend, but frankly, I am not sure if I want to. Will my self worth change if I am not 165 anymore? No it will not. I will NOT let my emotional well being be tied to the “gravitational pull” of my body.
• I have been dealing with some gut issues though. I do not think that my body like almonds and Greek yogurt. I seem to bloat up after I eat them and this makes me sad. I have a big jar of almond butter and lot of Greek yogurt. I am still validating that I have issues with them but if I do, I will eat these sparingly and make sure to wear pants that allow the belly to expand and probably have to give them up totally. Hopefully this will be get better but not holding my breath.
Now I am about to transition into the last phase of the protocol and this one scares me the most, maintenance. I can add back in some carbs and some sugar but not sure how much I will do that. I need to keep trusting the body and just eat when hungry. I need to stop moralizing food.
Then there is the exercise. I was NOT to exercise at all for the past couple of weeks except for short walks outside due to my exercise addiction. I have been opening up to some people about this and everyone I have talked to said DUH……… it was obvious but I did not see it. The next 5 months will be a challenge for me. I need to learn to exercise just because it makes me feel good and NOT to want to lose weight. I want to start running again (have not in almost a year) since my sister and I want to run a couple of 5K’s this summer. The biggest thing for me with starting to train again is to NOT wear a heart rate monitor, a Garmin or even a watch. No recording minutes worked out or what the heart rate was or how many calories I burned. Just run to run and stop when I feel like it, again listening to the body. I have been so mean to my body in the past that it is sad.
I can start working out again this weekend and will start with some light treadmill work with a little bit of running and strength training. I am going to try really hard to mainly do strength. I want to be strong to still be able to care for our disabled daughter. I still have the voices in my head that say “whoohooo, you can work out again so let’s do an hour of strength and an hour on the treadmill” and burn some major calories. I CANNOT do this again, it did not work in the past and it will not work now and only do harm.
So there is my update. I still have a lot of work to do mentally but I will get there. I am not ruling out doing another round of the protocol but it will not be until September. I just have too much stuff that I want to do this summer (biking, races, mowing lawn, vacations) that trying to stick to protocol and doing what I want to do will just not be ideal to try again. We will see how the summer goes with the extra activity and eating to the hunger scale. Plus, I have been getting some flack from the family about not needing to lose any more. REALLY!!!! According to the charts I am still over weight but luckily, I do not believe in the charts. I no longer see my body with disgust because I do not have thin thighs or narrow hips. That’s not to say that I would not like to see the thighs a bit thinner but I am no longer hating them.
This is the body that God gave me and I need to start learning to love it and trust it and to stop abusing it with exercise or startvation. As Robin said, you would not allow anyone to treat your child this way so why are you treating yourself like s#@t.
Another blog to come about THE DRESS.
TTFN and thanks to everyone for their support, miss you guys.