Friday, April 05, 2013
I used to blog a lot on Spark about how I have self confidence issues. I think when I really started losing weight it got a bit lower on the scale of hating myself, but now it is blowing up through the roof. A story for youÖ
Last night I was picking out my outfit for today. My company allows us to wear jeans every Friday, and today is Orioleís spirit day to celebrate our home opener. My mom has been buying me a new Orioleís shirt for the past few years for Easter, and this year she got me a super cute bedazzled one in a size Large. I put it on last night and it was snug (I swear this is like a childís large even though it says Women). I started trying on jeans to go with it, and pair after pair after pair would not fit. The pile started growing on the bed as the panic inside of me started growing. Not only did all of these jeans fit a few months ago, most of them were BIG back then. I was pulling out jeans that had belts attached because they used to fall off and now I canít even button them.
Needless to say, my boyfriend walked into a mess when he saw my pile and started chuckling. Iíll omit the F-Bombs but I pretty much said ďThis isnít funny, Iím about two seconds away from having a nervous breakdownĒ which I then proceeded to doÖ He was trying to be supportive and saying how he thinks I look just fine and not to cry about it, but I realized Ė I donít even care how he feels about me. I never get that far with my thought process. Iím just constantly analyzing and hating myself.
He mentioned how there are plenty of people in the world bigger than me who have confidence and love themselves. But I told him I feel awkward, my body doesnít fit in my clothes right, I donít feel like I fit right in my body, and I feel like Iím even walking funny now because I donít know how to function this fat. It is hard for me to love myself when I feel like that.
I also told him last night how Iím upset because I have a dinner planned with friends next week, and I havenít seen them in a few months, and I want to back out because I donít want them to see me. I donít want to be seen like this, especially by people who last saw me in better shape. I just want to hide.
Needless to say, my confidence levels are not doing so well at the moment. I went to the gym three days this week, I went for a half hour walk at lunch today because it is beautiful outside, I walked to PT on MondayÖ and I feel So. So. So. Fat. Why donít I feel good right now? Shouldnít I be feeling good right now?
To top things off, my zipper broke on the jeans I managed to wear today and I keep blaming that on my fat.
I know I didnít gain this overnight. I know I am not going to lose it overnight. I just need to find a way to funnel these feelings into motivation to do better instead of letting them break me down.
If anyone has tips on that, Iíd love to hear Ďem!
And nowÖ the list of happy:
1) Iím happy that it is Friday.
2) Iím happy weíre going to a winery tomorrow to try new things.
3) Iím happy that the weather is warming up Ė finally!
4) Iím happy that I get to watch ANOTHER new episode of Game of Thrones on Sunday!
And that is all I can think of really besides Ė Go Oís!