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    BONOLICIOUS2   37,084
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How do you make Motivation from Failure?

Friday, April 05, 2013

I used to blog a lot on Spark about how I have self confidence issues. I think when I really started losing weight it got a bit lower on the scale of hating myself, but now it is blowing up through the roof. A story for youÖ

Last night I was picking out my outfit for today. My company allows us to wear jeans every Friday, and today is Orioleís spirit day to celebrate our home opener. My mom has been buying me a new Orioleís shirt for the past few years for Easter, and this year she got me a super cute bedazzled one in a size Large. I put it on last night and it was snug (I swear this is like a childís large even though it says Women). I started trying on jeans to go with it, and pair after pair after pair would not fit. The pile started growing on the bed as the panic inside of me started growing. Not only did all of these jeans fit a few months ago, most of them were BIG back then. I was pulling out jeans that had belts attached because they used to fall off and now I canít even button them.

Needless to say, my boyfriend walked into a mess when he saw my pile and started chuckling. Iíll omit the F-Bombs but I pretty much said ďThis isnít funny, Iím about two seconds away from having a nervous breakdownĒ which I then proceeded to doÖ He was trying to be supportive and saying how he thinks I look just fine and not to cry about it, but I realized Ė I donít even care how he feels about me. I never get that far with my thought process. Iím just constantly analyzing and hating myself.


He mentioned how there are plenty of people in the world bigger than me who have confidence and love themselves. But I told him I feel awkward, my body doesnít fit in my clothes right, I donít feel like I fit right in my body, and I feel like Iím even walking funny now because I donít know how to function this fat. It is hard for me to love myself when I feel like that.

I also told him last night how Iím upset because I have a dinner planned with friends next week, and I havenít seen them in a few months, and I want to back out because I donít want them to see me. I donít want to be seen like this, especially by people who last saw me in better shape. I just want to hide.



Needless to say, my confidence levels are not doing so well at the moment. I went to the gym three days this week, I went for a half hour walk at lunch today because it is beautiful outside, I walked to PT on MondayÖ and I feel So. So. So. Fat. Why donít I feel good right now? Shouldnít I be feeling good right now?


To top things off, my zipper broke on the jeans I managed to wear today and I keep blaming that on my fat.



I know I didnít gain this overnight. I know I am not going to lose it overnight. I just need to find a way to funnel these feelings into motivation to do better instead of letting them break me down.

If anyone has tips on that, Iíd love to hear Ďem!


And nowÖ the list of happy:
1) Iím happy that it is Friday.
2) Iím happy weíre going to a winery tomorrow to try new things.
3) Iím happy that the weather is warming up Ė finally!
4) Iím happy that I get to watch ANOTHER new episode of Game of Thrones on Sunday!

And that is all I can think of really besides Ė Go Oís!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE 4/5/2013 8:13PM

    I'm so glad you ended on a "happy" note! There are LOTS of things to be upset about, but being upset about them only makes it worse. You know how to lose the weight... you know how it feels when you do... and most importantly, you KNOW that you CAN do it... You have to stay positive or you're going to spiral down, and that's NEVER good. Pull yourself up, we're all in this together.
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-POLEDANCEGIRL- 4/5/2013 3:45PM

    I love how you end with Happy!! That is huge! Confidence doesnt come from a size or weight.... it comes from within. I dont know what to tell you how to make it happen. Set your goals, ALWAYS keep the positives!!!

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KATYMS 4/5/2013 2:57PM

    *HUGE HUG*
Yesterday I got on the scale knowing what I was going to find. I found exactly what I suspected, plus 3 pounds.
I have re-gained it all PLUS 3 more pounds.
I am so unbeleivably pissed off at myself right now. I am hanging on to that anger and I am trying to funnel my anger at myself into angry, hard, push myself to my limit workouts. So I found a little motivation for myself there....

Now if I could just get mad at food and use that for some kind of motivation to avoid it.

Dig deep honey, it's in there somewhere.
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SQUIRRELLYONE 4/5/2013 2:43PM

    It's ok to hate how you look, but it's not ok to hate you. How you look can and will change a million times in your lifetime: who you are, won't. emoticon

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JENSTRESS 4/5/2013 2:18PM

    First, I could have written this a few months ago, even 6 weeks ago.

It sucks when all the progress we have made gets taken over by someone that just took over our bodies and fed it delicious horrible snacks, isn't it?

There isn't really anything you can do immediately, except decide that you are going to try again. As someone told me, the only time we fail, is when we quit trying.

So, you are going to start eating right and working out... and you have. STEP ONE IS COMPLETE!

Step Two is to accept that you will "fall down" or make mistakes, but to get back up and start. Sounds like you are getting there.

Your self-confidence will come. I know how many people say that beauty is skin deep and blah blah. I agree. But I don't feel like ME in this bigger body. I want to feel like ME!

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SONICB 4/5/2013 1:45PM

    *BIGGGGGGG HUGGGGGGGS*

It's tough to be where you are right now, but you have to remember to keep pushing because that's the only way things will start getting better.

I know it's hard because everywhere you go, there you are--but you have to learn to stop tearing yourself apart. Even the skinniest or fittest of people have self-confidence issues too. I have found that keeping myself busy (with work, hobbies, exercise) have kept a lot of the toxic thoughts about body image at bay. I feel much better about myself when I treat my body well.

So for now... just keep pushing. Things will get better, but only if you work towards it.

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DAZZEEDOO 4/5/2013 1:34PM

    You Boyfriend sounds like an awesome, and understanding guy. Something to remember is that he obviously loves you, regardless of your weight. That alone should help you see that your are more then just your body. When we spend so much of our time focusing on our outsides, we forget just how wonderful we are on the inside. I bet your funny, smart, and kind to small animals. Stop giving yourself the label of fat. When you do find yourself saying something negative to yourself, counter that with 2 things that are positive. Believe that you are more then the size of a pair of pants. or the number on a scale. Be as kind to yourself as you would be a friend.
Your friends are not coming to judge you- they're your friends. And with practice, you can be your friend too.

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KELLY19770 4/5/2013 1:31PM

    I am right there with you. I just realized that I never felt attractive even when I'm thin, and that may be part of the reason I let myself go.
It takes a lot to admit to yourself and on here that you are having self-confidence issues. That's a very hard thing to admit.
I envy women who are overweight, but you can still tell are so confident in themselves.
But, look at the bright side you ARE doing something about it again. And it sure is rough you put some weight back on (I just weighed myself and put 8 lbs back on this year, and had only lost 11 last year. eek.). The only way to go is forward now. emoticon emoticon

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ELISELOVE1 4/5/2013 1:27PM

    enjoy that meal with your friends. they are looking forward to seeing you. make sure you workout that day

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MAMISHELI53 4/5/2013 1:21PM

    Self-acceptance is a big issue.
What has helped me is my faith. God has accepted me AS I AM - His love is unconditional. And He loves me enough to help me become what I SHOULD be. He is patient with me. So I can be patient with myself. Do I have bad days? You bet. But I can start anew. I had gotten down to 180 for about 2 weeks, and then an injury slowed down my ability to exercise, and I became lax, and gradually put the weight back on. Now being some years older and dealing with arthritic joints, weight loss is even harder. But I've taken off some 20 of the 46 pounds that came back on (at least I didn't gain back the whole 82!) in several months. It's a long hard climb...but while I do want to lose the weight, developing a healthy lifestyle is even more important.
Outward appearances can change so suddenly - accidents happen - LIFE happens. Ultimately it IS what's inside that counts. A healthy body just helps that wonderful REAL person hang around longer to be a blessing to others.
Praying for blessings to you on this journey to a healthy lifestyle, which includes a healthy self-image.

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NEEDBU66 4/5/2013 1:20PM

    Go Baseball! Summertime! We have the Reds where I am. I have no idea when they start or if they have. We used to see one game ayear, but its been quite a few since we'd been down. Perhaps THIS year! Big REd Machine!!!

As for the weight gain, all I can say is, yeah, I get it I'm with ya, sweetie and I understand. Been there, done that. Perhaps THIS will be your turning point, if you let it, to remind you before taking the second helping or the couch instead of the treadmill, that you don't want a repeat performance of those feelings again.

Take that snotty kleenex you used or a picture of the bed with all those jeans piled up to remind you what that felt like. Just a suggestion.

My mother in law has a picture of me where I"m SOOO heavy I don't recognize myself. I had an eye opening shock, ('That was ME?) and I conjur that up whenever tempted to just call it quits.

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ALMIGHTYSWEDE 4/5/2013 1:16PM

    self confidence issues are hard to overcome, but keep trying. dont cancel the meal with your friends, and have a good time with them, i know you are worrying about your weight, but they wont, bet they just want a good catch up!!!

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