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The Voices in My Head

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Friday, April 05, 2013

I think people look at me or read the thoughts I jot down and think this journey has been easy. Well, let me tell you one thing:

It's NOT. Far from it, actually.

Initially, you think, if I lose weight, I'll be happier. Men will notice me. I won't have to shop in the plus size section. All great things. All great motivators. Right?

Well, I am happier, but I'm not happier simply because I lost weight. I'm happier because I found confidence. I found self-appreciation. I found that I can accomplish one of the most dreaded tasks I've ever undertaken. I'm happy because I started kicking my own butt to enhance my future.

Men notice me, yes. But you know what? I don't think it's a good thing. When I was heavier, they wanted to be my friend. They thought I was funny and smart. They saw me as safe, a buddy. Now, they see my legs or boobs or butt or waistline and make comments as such. And now they all want to be my FWB. In the beginning, it was a little flattering, I guess. Now, and I'll admit this, there are days where I wish I was fat again. I wish I was the girl that no guy noticed. Luckily, I can turn these 'men' down because I've got a great guy who saw (and was attracted to) the real me, back when I was hiding behind the extra poundage.

Bid farewell to the plus size section? This is a great feeling! Although, it leaves me feeling a little exposed. Larger clothes, I think, help you hide. When you're in 'average' sizes, everything has to be form-fitting. Why, I don't know. But every lump, bump, nook and cranny is on display for the whole world to see and critique (I'm guilty of this, too). I am a fan of wearing button down shirts or cropped jackets over my tops for this very reason.

All I know is that this journey is far from easy. Others see my transformation and a common comment I get is that I'm so pretty now, but I was pretty 'back then' too. That hits me the wrong way, when I know it shouldn't. Why didn't anyone tell me I was pretty when I was heavy?

I guess what I'm saying is that if you think this journey will get you everything you want, it won't. It may not give you what you want, but it will give you what you need, and so much more.

The days of me longing to be fat again are outnumbered by the days of me being happy that I'm improving my health, my life, my future. Our journeys may be different, but what we all have in common is that we want to live.

I know I'm ready to live. Are you?
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