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    WUBBY82   37,186
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The Voices in My Head

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Friday, April 05, 2013

I think people look at me or read the thoughts I jot down and think this journey has been easy. Well, let me tell you one thing:

It's NOT. Far from it, actually.

Initially, you think, if I lose weight, I'll be happier. Men will notice me. I won't have to shop in the plus size section. All great things. All great motivators. Right?

Well, I am happier, but I'm not happier simply because I lost weight. I'm happier because I found confidence. I found self-appreciation. I found that I can accomplish one of the most dreaded tasks I've ever undertaken. I'm happy because I started kicking my own butt to enhance my future.

Men notice me, yes. But you know what? I don't think it's a good thing. When I was heavier, they wanted to be my friend. They thought I was funny and smart. They saw me as safe, a buddy. Now, they see my legs or boobs or butt or waistline and make comments as such. And now they all want to be my FWB. In the beginning, it was a little flattering, I guess. Now, and I'll admit this, there are days where I wish I was fat again. I wish I was the girl that no guy noticed. Luckily, I can turn these 'men' down because I've got a great guy who saw (and was attracted to) the real me, back when I was hiding behind the extra poundage.

Bid farewell to the plus size section? This is a great feeling! Although, it leaves me feeling a little exposed. Larger clothes, I think, help you hide. When you're in 'average' sizes, everything has to be form-fitting. Why, I don't know. But every lump, bump, nook and cranny is on display for the whole world to see and critique (I'm guilty of this, too). I am a fan of wearing button down shirts or cropped jackets over my tops for this very reason.

All I know is that this journey is far from easy. Others see my transformation and a common comment I get is that I'm so pretty now, but I was pretty 'back then' too. That hits me the wrong way, when I know it shouldn't. Why didn't anyone tell me I was pretty when I was heavy?

I guess what I'm saying is that if you think this journey will get you everything you want, it won't. It may not give you what you want, but it will give you what you need, and so much more.

The days of me longing to be fat again are outnumbered by the days of me being happy that I'm improving my health, my life, my future. Our journeys may be different, but what we all have in common is that we want to live.

I know I'm ready to live. Are you?
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EFFRAYECHILDE 5/1/2013 8:29AM

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KD7IEM 4/17/2013 2:23PM

  Thank you for writing what some of us are feeling

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PANIK257 4/16/2013 4:39AM

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STRUMERCAT 4/12/2013 2:37PM

    If I'm honest, that fear of getting extra attention from men is part of why I can't lose the 20 pounds I would still like to lose. It shouldn't be a concern now that I'm older and have been married for 17 years. But during times when I have dipped closer to my goal, the attention definitely increases and freaks me out.

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GRAMPIAN 4/11/2013 10:24AM

  Wise emoticon words.

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EATVEGAN 4/10/2013 2:19AM

    Very insightful. Maybe it is good that I did not lose until I'm older. I don't think I'll have to worry about how men look at me. Congratulations on your good man. I know I'm going to love the clothes.

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KAB7801 4/9/2013 7:34PM

    How did you know what I was thinking

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BKNOCK 4/9/2013 12:47PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LEWILL1982 4/8/2013 2:47PM

    It's so true, happiness is not found in a size, happiness is found in appreciating what we are capable of, finding confidence and learning to love our bodies. Great blog, really beatifully written!

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CHANGINGSAM 4/8/2013 12:55PM

    Well said!

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LRSILVER 4/8/2013 5:04AM

    Great blog. Thanks for sharing.

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CLAYARTIST 4/7/2013 8:13PM

  emoticon m emoticon mmm emoticon

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SHERRYBETH84 4/7/2013 3:41PM

    Thanks for the truth. I have been feeling all of the emotions and events you were talking about, and was wondering why I wasn't fighting harder to stop my weight re-gain. It was all listed in your blog. Weight loss made me visible, vulnerable, and alone. I lost the connections to my friends who wanted me to be the fat girl. I was hounded by coworkers about my weight loss- making me feel defensive and shameful, and wishing they would just leave me alone. The ability to buy off the rack is great, and better health is a huge plus. I am having so much trouble learning to live in this new body, deal with the outside pressures, and keep fighting the old eating habits. Reading your blog has helped me see that I was going back to fat and safety . I feel so overwhelmed with the changes my weight loss has created. Thanks for the honesty .

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BLUEJEAN99 4/7/2013 1:59AM

    emoticon

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ROCKYCPA 4/6/2013 11:36PM

    Thanks for sharing!

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JAMER123 4/6/2013 10:47PM

    You have a lot of confidence, a good thing. I have never wished to be "fatter" again for anything but am thrilled to lose a fraction of a #. I like myself better with ever one lost!! Thanks for a great blog!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MARYJEANSL 4/6/2013 10:39PM

  Very perceptive, very well said. Congratulations on your success!

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HEARTS116 4/6/2013 9:15PM

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GOOSIEMOON 4/6/2013 8:29PM

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MYSTERIOUS-LADY 4/6/2013 8:18PM

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DIANNEMT 4/6/2013 5:51PM

    Glad you found your confidence!

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SJKENT1 4/6/2013 5:12PM

    Great way to think about what you lost and what you found

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ALIDOSHA 4/6/2013 4:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LIVELYGIRL2 4/6/2013 4:22PM

  I know it's a new thing people gawking at you. It has two sides to it.

Just enjoy the rest of your life and be your own authentic self, BE Happy anyhow. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BLPRETTYGIRL1 4/6/2013 4:09PM

    Great Blog emoticon

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CORNERKICK 4/6/2013 4:07PM

  emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/6/2013 4:08:27 PM

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SUSIEMT 4/6/2013 3:38PM

    Yes, Yes, Yes! I am ready to live my life to the fullest! Also you are right about now that I am fitting in regular size clothing I am wearing them more form fitting! What is up with that? For me I think it means I am no longer trying to hide behind my clothes. This is me world whether you like it or not. Yeah! I am proud of me. Woo Hoo.
Woo Hoo to you for bringing this up!

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TERMITEMOM 4/6/2013 3:15PM

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JACKIE542 4/6/2013 2:23PM

    So right, it is not easy but so worth it especially for our health. emoticon

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LAINYC 4/6/2013 2:05PM

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MISSBOOBOOKITTY 4/6/2013 1:58PM

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PATRICIAANN46 4/6/2013 1:53PM

  What a wonderful blog!!!!! emoticon for your very heart-felt words.

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JOANNHUNT 4/6/2013 1:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JIBBIE49 4/6/2013 1:05PM

    emoticon You're the STAR today with your blog featured in the Spark Mail. What an honor. emoticon

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SIMONEKP 4/6/2013 12:58PM

    That's a different perspective. It's important for people to learn to love who they are not what they look like physically. Seeking fulfillment through physical appearance will only leave the person mostly unhappy.

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GRIZ1GIRL 4/6/2013 12:53PM

    Good for you, Skinny Girl! :) Way to go!

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ILIKETOZUMBA 4/6/2013 12:26PM

    YES, I love not having to shop in plus size sections any more, but I totally know what you mean about men!! In a way, I am grateful to have been a bit overweight when I started dating the boy who eventually became my fiance and then my husband, and I am in a way grateful that I continued to gain weight throughout our relationship until I was 244 pounds (and at 5'4" I was bursting at the seams enough to look like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) - because knowing that he stuck with me through that amount of weight and knowing that it didn't bother him - that's one of the things that helped me determine that he was definitely a keeper. Most men wouldn't stick by a woman in that situation, at least without nagging her or making comments or otherwise indicating displeasure. My husband truly never cared and still thought I was beautiful and fun. I would definitely be more nervous going out into the dating world these days now that I'm a normal weight and size because as you say, a lot of guys might not be into me for purposes of a quality relationship. I'm glad you're in a similar situation as me and found a guy before you had to worry about this stuff! :)

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IAMAGEMLOVER 4/6/2013 12:10PM

    You are so right. I have noticed since I entered maintenance, especially if I am watching television, I think I miss my bowls of ice cream, and chips, and candy. It will be so easy and comforting in a way to go back. Last night I actually went to bed at 10 because I wanted ice cream so bad. There was none in the house except WW ice cream sandwiches. You eat enough of those, and they will do damage. I knew I couldn't eat just one at that point so I had none. I call my journey Blood Sweat and Tears.

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CATHY40176 4/6/2013 11:29AM

  BRAVO! I have always felt this way. Thank you for writing this. It is not easy to admit we use our weight to hide behind. I have never been sexually abused, but have often wondered why I am hiding inside this body. This is such an enlightening post. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I was fortunate to have a husband that loved me regardless what the scale read. Yours was truly a "light bulb" moment for me. Keep up the good work!

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WORKNPROGRESS49 4/6/2013 11:24AM

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CEEMAY 4/6/2013 11:15AM

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ROBB1N 4/6/2013 11:01AM

    It's great you found out that it's not the weight loss that makes you happier, but the confidence in yourself from the journey of losing weight.

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LISA_FRAME 4/6/2013 10:46AM

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CICELY360 4/6/2013 10:45AM

  good blog

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ANGELN325 4/6/2013 10:38AM

    I love this post because I, too, hide behind my fat. I still want to lose weight but not for the normal reasons. It has nothing to do with wanting to look good or get attention. Those are the reasons I like being heavy, but I'm to the point where the need to hide is outweighed by the need to be able to keep up with my daughter. I want to live. I want to accomplish more, do more, live healthier.

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LINDAK25 4/6/2013 10:29AM

    Well said! Years ago I lost a lot of weight and I felt so vulnerable. People felt it gave them a right to comment on what I was doing and how I looked! One man my husband knew (not a friend) told my husband I'd gotten too thin. I weighed 130 at 5'4". Needless to say, over the years I gained the weight back. You're right, you know. I don't feel better being heavier. Less vulnerable? Maybe, but I'm not living, I'm hiding.

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JUSGETTENBY42 4/6/2013 10:25AM

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TINY67 4/6/2013 10:24AM

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TANYA602 4/6/2013 9:48AM

    It IS hard work, and you really nailed this on the head. I've also found that female co-workers who never gave me the time of day treat me differently, like we've been friends all along. And on the contrary, my friends I was heavier with even treat me differently, almost like we have less in common. I find I work harder with them to still be accepted and I try to downplay my weight loss. We are odd ducks, aren't we?


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SHOAPIE 4/6/2013 9:42AM

    Great

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