Thursday, April 04, 2013
The test results are back. The SIBO test is negative. While that's good, in a way, it's also discouraging. To have an actual goal is nice. To know what's coming is helpful. To not know - to not really have guidance, usual. Normal. Annoying. I'm tired of grey when I"m wanting and yearning for black and white answers.
I believe I have an approach, thankfully, but part of that involves acknowledging a problem that's been around for decades. Being willing to step out and acknowledge what some others already know, yet my own system won't show. It can't. Too many systems are off. Doesn't change the fact, or the belittling phrases from doctors and others who don't get it, don't want to, or don't know how else to respond. I have to have enough energy to cook, which doesn't exist most days, I seem to be reacting to left overs so that's another issue...I need to read. I need to educate myself on what I know IS happening. I can step forward from where I am.
So... for now, I recommit to using the nutrition tracker and try to keep actual and reasonable logs of what I am eating. I will also make notes of when reactions are happening and try to pull a reasonable eating plan together. Since my hardest battle, currently, is with rampant anorexic thinking and starving since I don't feel there's anything I *can* eat without a reaction, I'm going to try to be diligent and as realistic as I can be. Anorexia is about control for me. It might not be for someone else, but it is for me. I'm tired of the reactions. I'm tired of not knowing what I will or won't react to. I need to do what I can, not just avoid what "might or might not" happen. So frustrating! Being diabetic means I need to eat. Regularly. Irregular meals can create havoc with blood sugar numbers - something else I don't want! Meal planning is daunting, and the books need to be read first...or during...I just want someone to have some answers that I don't have right now. There's no easy button. Who took it?
I'm grumpy. I'm irritable. I'm more sick because I'm not able to take care of myself, and when I'm not taking care of myself, I can't take care of my children or the others who depend on me. It's not good. At all.
In other news, I had to switch eye docs recently and walk him through the whole array of what happened way back when and now get to deal with his idea on how to "help." While in my early 20s, I had blood vessels leaking into the inner fluid of my right eye. I had surgery to seal off the leaking vessels, which created a myriad of vision issues. The most helpful optical office was in Wichita, KS. The new eyeglasses I tried last week bothered me so much I couldn't even stand up. This particular person seems to only be available every so often though, so I get to wait another week before a follow up. I just don't have the energy to shift again. I need to find another new dentist soon too. Bleh!
So there's my words for now. More later, I'm sure!
Thanks for reading.