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April Fool - fooling myself (Way-Station --- Between-ness ---- Liminality...)


Thursday, April 04, 2013

I tell myself.. .I'm through with love... and I'll have nothing more to do with love.... But they all know...it isn't so.... I'm just foolin' myself.

These are lyrics from a great old 40's Billie Holiday tune.
I used to sing.

April. One more month til I am out of this apartment... and I haven't found a place yet.
Thank goodness my mom has a small second home in Michigan and she is SO generous as to offer it to me to stay in as a way-station, and in-between.

In Between. Rock and Hard Place? Life as it has been. Life as it will be.

I spent most of my life in a liminal contingency....
WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT.....
Since I was 6 years old (first obesity memory in first grade)

My parents sent me away to lose weight ... numerous times. They sent me to shrinks. It made things worse.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

My soul may be yearning to be un-tethered.... to wander some....
I've been tethered here in Chicago apartment for 20 years... not really knowing why. here because I'm here. Found work. Made the best of it... but no career trajaectory... No VISION for MY SELF... no GOALS. Friends... many have passed through... but have 3 IMPORTANT FRIENDS -- the "family of hoice" kind. And... MY MOM is here. That's a biggy. After my boho ten years in Manhattan 80's.... coming to Chicago and all my mom's achievements and status and high-life that she shares with me.....

Gosh.... I've not really taken responsibiltiy for myself.
I HAVE taken responsibility for others. ... I have lynchpinned the aspirations of creative friends and employers... The ultimate ensemble player.....

The nurse in Romea and Juliet.
The roles available to me when I wanted to do theater ... back in the day....
And I ended up "business manager".... as a way of being part of.
The last picked for teams .... in all

I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT

I WANT TO ABSTAIN

ABSTAIN

TO BE TAKEN CARE OF

TO FOLLOW

But that is not an option.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
NONIE_C 4/5/2013 9:31PM

    We are all many things. Sometimes our careers define us. Sometimes they don't. But either way, we have the power to define ourselves. You are a perfect creature. Perfect! Every step you've taken a necessary one. Every day a special one. You are exactly where you're supposed to be, right now!
I know...and I mean I REALLY KNOW...that those words sometimes feel empty. You want, with your entire being, to believe them --- to really FEEL them --- but there is a dark space inside you that's snuffing out the light.
Start small.
do a little dance
sing a little song
write a little poem
draw a little picture
create something
let joy grow with each little movement.
soon, you will know...really know...that you're right where you're supposed to be, and you'll be using that rock and hard place as anchors, or corner stones, or support. You won't feel stuck between them anymore.
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CHOCOHIPPO 4/4/2013 11:39AM

    You are the most beautiful writer. Your honesty and command of the language are breathtaking but pale in comparison to your insights. Some people know what they want right out of the box (my sister is a CPA and knew in high school that is what she wanted to be). I have reinvented myself several times, trying on careers that fit for a while, but then don't. It took courage, but I like where I ended up...finally....It took me three tries to marry the right partner. He's not someone I might have considered to be as wonderful as he is, or would have thought I deserved, decades ago. I have overcome years of emotional abuse to believe in myself (most of the time) and have the courage to try. Crossroads are scary. My last one was about 18 months ago. I didn't weather it gracefully. Eventually, through anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medications and a lot of soul searching and exercise, I got back to a good place. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself that gift while you sort out what you want to do, who you want to be, and where you want to do it. I'm rooting for you.

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