Thursday, April 04, 2013
I tell myself.. .I'm through with love... and I'll have nothing more to do with love.... But they all know...it isn't so.... I'm just foolin' myself.
These are lyrics from a great old 40's Billie Holiday tune.
I used to sing.
April. One more month til I am out of this apartment... and I haven't found a place yet.
Thank goodness my mom has a small second home in Michigan and she is SO generous as to offer it to me to stay in as a way-station, and in-between.
In Between. Rock and Hard Place? Life as it has been. Life as it will be.
I spent most of my life in a liminal contingency....
WHEN I LOSE WEIGHT.....
Since I was 6 years old (first obesity memory in first grade)
My parents sent me away to lose weight ... numerous times. They sent me to shrinks. It made things worse.
Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
My soul may be yearning to be un-tethered.... to wander some....
I've been tethered here in Chicago apartment for 20 years... not really knowing why. here because I'm here. Found work. Made the best of it... but no career trajaectory... No VISION for MY SELF... no GOALS. Friends... many have passed through... but have 3 IMPORTANT FRIENDS -- the "family of hoice" kind. And... MY MOM is here. That's a biggy. After my boho ten years in Manhattan 80's.... coming to Chicago and all my mom's achievements and status and high-life that she shares with me.....
Gosh.... I've not really taken responsibiltiy for myself.
I HAVE taken responsibility for others. ... I have lynchpinned the aspirations of creative friends and employers... The ultimate ensemble player.....
The nurse in Romea and Juliet.
The roles available to me when I wanted to do theater ... back in the day....
And I ended up "business manager".... as a way of being part of.
The last picked for teams .... in all
I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT
I WANT TO ABSTAIN
TO BE TAKEN CARE OF
But that is not an option.