Thursday, April 04, 2013
This is the morning of the last day of fasting, feels great!
Yesterday was hard, not that I was hungry (it comes and goes, but was worst the first day), but I got depressed and felt like life was over... I phoned my "OA-buddy" and talked to her about it and suddenly realised that it was my desease speaking. Usually I get this depression after 5-6 days of fasting, and I remember tha I had it the day BEFORE I stopped smoking too. That memory helped because of course my lifes joy did not end with me giving up smoking. It is the disease speaking, wanting me to go back to the known pattern of eating and the reason it came on day three is that I DO have this plan, that I will fast for four days and then eat agin (tomorrow) And if the disease wants me to fail it is not much time left... Getting that idea made the depression lift and I was content for the rest of the day. Or...it was as usual a little tough after eating that dinner - canned mackerel, spinach and carrots, a total of 447 cal when some melted butter completed the spinach...sooo yummt really! It is an advantage that i really like healthy food, I remember my mother who did not like vegetables but I also think that was because she grew up in a time where ther was not that much vegetables around - in winter only canned peas and carrots...It is the only "winter vegetable" I remember from my childhood as well, at summer we got salad with lettuce, tomato and cucumber... never had fresh broccoli, or sugar snap peas or cauliflower or avocado or anything in my home, there was probably cabbage and carrots but that I only remember from school...where we did not get any fresh vegetables with the lunch either, we had vegetable soup - called "hotch-potch" and with a piece of grey sausage in it... It IS remarkable with all the available healthy food today!
I feel rather confidant about getting through this day without eating what I should not, I think I will reeat my dinner from yesterday, I do have smoked salmon in my fridge, but think I will save it for tomorrows breakfast... I am already planning what to eat when I plan to eat again and it is of course obsessive but I donīt mind. The next big challenge IS tomorrow and I am really looking for tools that can help me manage.
I have my OA-friend that I talk to every morning on the phone, yesterday I called her a night too because I felt unbalanced and wanted to share before I would eat. I think the reason was that I talked to a friend who works at a retreat place north of my town, she is their PR person and also very much into yoga, spends three hours every morning with yoga. I am talking about my troubles these days and she tried to persuade me into accepting and moving on...and I felt violated. Because this is my shame and gulit to, my "inner parent" is telling me all the time that I should stop being such a childish wimp, accept facts and move on) Which I canīt do because I tried and I am still so very angry and hurt - and maybe I also NEED to be in that position as I always always have been that "reasonable child" that listen to fact ans gives in and do the most sensible thing. The words of DYlan Thomas comes to mind:
"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
And that (I think) is about aging and dying, but I associate it with my soul searching for the stong inner me that knows what it needs and stand by my right to be what I am.
ANother friend called yesterday evening, I was on my sofa after dinner and thinking about going to bed. This was the friend who asked me to accompany her to AA last summer, she was sober for some weeks and then gave up... and we have not spoken that much since. I was at her sisters fueral in ..september and since then we havenīt spoken. I called her during the day yesterday with no answer but then she called back in the evening, she was on her way home from work and I am not sure if she was sober, my mother used to have a little slur in her voice at nights when she had been drinking and I detected the same slur in my firends voice. But we did not talk about that, we talked about my crisis and visit to the psychiatric ward - and it really cheered her up ;-) We talked for an hour which delayed my going to bed and that is one of those things I have to get better with, to follow my plan even though others is giving me other options... Usually I would have thoughtit was "ego" just to talk about my problems, but this time I think it was the right thing to do, I think she needed to hear that we all have imperfections and have to live with the consequenses of our choices.
Yesterday morning I went to the gym and did thirty minutes of strength trining. I went inside the inddor pool, I have only been in the locker room so far but one of these days I will go swimming in the morning...had the idea of doing it this morning, but I think I will feel better if I work, it is deadline week and I have a lot to do.
I am very grateful that my fast plan has worked this far, I feel hopeful that it will work today to and yes - I lost another kilo, that is about 2,5 kilos in three days (donīt know the exact number the first day as it was ouside my scale) and that is also an important motivator for my plan.
Breaking the fast will be a little different from times I have done it before as I have been eating one meal a day during this fast - usually I only go for fluids.
And I will get back to that feeling of depression, it showed me that food really plays a big role in my life when it comes to what makes me happy... but just as I was wrong ablut nicotine I am wrong about this, my life will be very enjoyable also without food compulssion...