Wednesday, April 03, 2013
My struggle here is so difficult to balance. My emotional attachment to food is impossible to break without the help of God but I almost always seem to push Him out of the way and try to do everything with my own will power. I need Him to come and take this from and give me sort of supernatural freedom from this addiction to food.... I'm seeking out my third OA sponsor right now and I really am praying He brings me someone with a good foothold in the program who can remain consistent for me when I am so inconsistent... Every week is this roller coaster. I start out doing really well or at least good, and end it spiraling completely out of control.
At the moment I am stuffed so full I feel pregnant with food and would love to just go force myself to throw up. Waves of guilt and shame wash over me... If I were someone else and wanted to advise me, I'd probably say something like "try to remember this feeling next time your perched in front of the choice to eat a trigger food.... Choose to turn around and walk away instead if plunging off that cliff"
How many times can I fall off a cliff before I finally hit the bottom!? I'm tired of starting over. I just want to start over this time and never have to again...
God save me, I can't do it myself!
I'm planning to do a p90x class tomorrow at my gym. Why? I mean, I am ridiculously out of shape. I will most likely be the fattest person there. More than likely I will go once and hate myself, feel embarrassed and never want to go back again. I'm petrified. If I actually go and don't talk myself out of it. What I want to happen, is to push through, finish the class start to finish, be sore as hell, take some ibuprofen, and go back Saturday, then the class after that, and after that... And so on.... I know if I can just keep going it will get easier and i will see results... But getting the ball rolling is what is so hard. I probably should come up with some easy short term goals...
Do you start slow or do you just go for it...? I have failed both ways. I'm not sure what to do anymore . I'm almost ready to just live with being disgustingly fat the rest of my life. It seems I'm doomed to live that way no matter what I try.