Disclaimer: Usually I am a huge fan of the tough love "just get off your butt and do it!", but I don't need that right now. Trust me, I am hard enough on myself at this point, and I am feeling pretty delicate, so if you're comment was going to be "Stop being lazy and get it done", that really isn't going to help me right now.
It's no surprise that I'm struggling. The scale is back up between 212-215. I am desperately trying not to let it go above 215. I do not want to slip back in the 220's.
I have a lot on my plate right now, and I know that is no excuse. Everyone has problems, things to deal with, struggles, and some people still get it done, and some crumble under the pressure. I am trying to find the in between. I am trying to deal with my stuff without packing back on the pounds, yet I am definitely being honest when I say I am not pushing towards my goal.
There are huge changes at work... they are remodeling which leaves us to dispatch in a tiny trailer, which is not fun. That is the smallest of my problems btw. ;) The others are so personal that I am not going in depth on those.
Sheldon (my dog) isn't doing well, and I know I am going to have to take him to have him put down soon. It breaks my heart.
The other struggles are super personal, I had put the gist of it in my status updates, I ended a friendship with someone I had known 12 years. I completely ended things with "the boy", found some closure but I am still healing. So many changes, and I am not a fan of change.
I am going to say this, and I don't need any comments about "don't settle, you need to keep pushing"... I am not giving up and I am not settling... but this is the thing. I feel OKAY at this weight. Now hear what I said, I feel OKAY. I will not settle for okay, I want to feel great. And while I don't know what my magical "I feel great" weight is going to be, I know it lies within Onederland though and I will find out in time. I feel so much better at this weight because it is the lowest I have been in years. I was 19 and 205... and it was downhill from there. So even getting back near that at age 27 is a huge accomplishment. So while I feel better in comparison, I know it isn't where I want to stay in the long term.
I have fallen out of tracking my food which is something I had always done, no matter how bad the calories were. So I am going to work on getting back to that. I need to get back on top of my walking at work and all of those things.
Working in the trailer threw a wrench in my food plan because I am no longer allowed to get up 6 times a day to go make food to eat my small meals. That is not possible and this is a situation I will be in for several months. I really feel like I am reevaluating everything. My life, my weight loss journey, my friends... it is a scary and unsure time for me but I am trying not to fall into the pit of despair. I don't want my next blog to be 3 months from now and me telling you I am 250 pounds.
I am not giving up, even in my hardest times I have still managed to not go above 215 and I want to at least get back to 210 and if I hang around there I hang around there.
I also made the executive decision to take my Ipod from my parents. I am nowhere near 199 and it's not coming any time soon. And now dispatching out of a freakin trailer I really need that damn thing for my sanity. You can judge me if you want, but I dropped the 300 bucks on it, it's been collecting dust almost 4 months and I'm just over it.
I am proud of the fact that I haven't shot back up into the 220's and my focus is just back to tracking, but my focus is also in other areas of my life and I have to do what is best for me.