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    STEPH-KNEE   60,791
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Struggling, Maintaining-ish, and Trying To Survive...

Wednesday, April 03, 2013



emoticonDisclaimer: Usually I am a huge fan of the tough love "just get off your butt and do it!", but I don't need that right now. Trust me, I am hard enough on myself at this point, and I am feeling pretty delicate, so if you're comment was going to be "Stop being lazy and get it done", that really isn't going to help me right now. emoticon

It's no surprise that I'm struggling. The scale is back up between 212-215. I am desperately trying not to let it go above 215. I do not want to slip back in the 220's.

I have a lot on my plate right now, and I know that is no excuse. Everyone has problems, things to deal with, struggles, and some people still get it done, and some crumble under the pressure. I am trying to find the in between. I am trying to deal with my stuff without packing back on the pounds, yet I am definitely being honest when I say I am not pushing towards my goal.

There are huge changes at work... they are remodeling which leaves us to dispatch in a tiny trailer, which is not fun. That is the smallest of my problems btw. ;) The others are so personal that I am not going in depth on those.

Sheldon (my dog) isn't doing well, and I know I am going to have to take him to have him put down soon. It breaks my heart.

The other struggles are super personal, I had put the gist of it in my status updates, I ended a friendship with someone I had known 12 years. I completely ended things with "the boy", found some closure but I am still healing. So many changes, and I am not a fan of change.

I am going to say this, and I don't need any comments about "don't settle, you need to keep pushing"... I am not giving up and I am not settling... but this is the thing. I feel OKAY at this weight. Now hear what I said, I feel OKAY. I will not settle for okay, I want to feel great. And while I don't know what my magical "I feel great" weight is going to be, I know it lies within Onederland though and I will find out in time. I feel so much better at this weight because it is the lowest I have been in years. I was 19 and 205... and it was downhill from there. So even getting back near that at age 27 is a huge accomplishment. So while I feel better in comparison, I know it isn't where I want to stay in the long term.

I have fallen out of tracking my food which is something I had always done, no matter how bad the calories were. So I am going to work on getting back to that. I need to get back on top of my walking at work and all of those things.

Working in the trailer threw a wrench in my food plan because I am no longer allowed to get up 6 times a day to go make food to eat my small meals. That is not possible and this is a situation I will be in for several months. I really feel like I am reevaluating everything. My life, my weight loss journey, my friends... it is a scary and unsure time for me but I am trying not to fall into the pit of despair. I don't want my next blog to be 3 months from now and me telling you I am 250 pounds.

I am not giving up, even in my hardest times I have still managed to not go above 215 and I want to at least get back to 210 and if I hang around there I hang around there.

I also made the executive decision to take my Ipod from my parents. I am nowhere near 199 and it's not coming any time soon. And now dispatching out of a freakin trailer I really need that damn thing for my sanity. You can judge me if you want, but I dropped the 300 bucks on it, it's been collecting dust almost 4 months and I'm just over it.

I am proud of the fact that I haven't shot back up into the 220's and my focus is just back to tracking, but my focus is also in other areas of my life and I have to do what is best for me. emoticon
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEATHERFREE 4/8/2013 2:41PM

    Right now I feel the SAME as you do! That I feel okay right here where I've gotten to so far and I am working on other things until I can get my head back in the game. I hope you can get back on your tracking because I believe it will save you alot of possible gaining. I weighed today and had a two pound gain I'm one pound away from the dreaded 230 and it makes me so angry but if I can just get myself to never go up to 230 and above during this hard time then I will make it through! I know you will get to your goal one day and really we are so much better then our fat girl sides, we aren't the same people we used to be and that will never be taken from us


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MRSBEDWELL 4/8/2013 11:32AM

    At least you see what's going on! Maybe you can make healthy snacks and keep them at your desk. At least that could help with the food part. I was really bad about not tracking when I was binging, but I told myself "it takes 2 minutes" and if I see it at least I own it! You can do this! Good luck!
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LISAN0415 4/7/2013 3:43AM

    I just wanted to say so sorry for all the difficulties you are going through- You desrve nothing but happiness, I truly want to believe that it's always darkest right before the sun rises, so I am hoping strongly that some positive things are coming your way!

The changes you have made are difficult ones, but the best for you, cutting out toxic things and bringing in things that make you happy are only going to lead to more happiness :)

But, I am so so so sorry about Sheldon, that breaks my heart too, I know how difficult it is to lose a treasured pet. You have been lucky to have such a great companion, and he has been so lucky to have you as his caretaker and family.

Best wishes to you! We are all here for you, even if you have to vent- we've all been there!
-Lisa

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JACOBSBELOVED 4/6/2013 12:38AM

    Ah, Steph, I am so sorry for everything.

I feel for you so much for your struggles with Sheldon. You of course know my beloved Ruby just passed away, so I feel your pain so much. I thankfully didn't have to make that difficult decision about putting her down, so I can't imagine the heartbreak that comes with that. Pets are your family and are more dependable than most people. I feel so incredibly bad for you.

I'm sorry the scale got back up to the teens. You're going through so much right now and that's the last thing you want to see.

When you say you're "Okay with the weight I'm at", I get it. You seem to be more accepting of your body (yay!) and you're just feeling more comfortable with how your body feels after losing so much weight (please correct me if I'm wrong!). Not to mention there seems to be more going on in your life right now than normal, and losing weight may not be a priority right now like it usually is.

Don't try to please people by doing what they think you should be doing at this time. Do what you think is best for you.

I hope things start looking up for you soon. This seems like so much to deal with right now and hopefully it only gets better from here.

I'm also sorry I just now saw this blog. You're so diligent in keeping up with mine but it took me a few days to see yours. I'm vowing to being a better SP friend. :)

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ZELDABEE 4/5/2013 9:00AM

    I'm right there with you and I'm so proud of you. You've come so far and it's amazing, sometimes i think we lose track of how far we've come because we are too busy looking ahead and we forget to live our lives. I'm so sorry to hear about Sheldon, I can't imagine how difficult that is right now - sending puppy love to you both. I'll just end off with this, your amazing - that is all.

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EATVEGAN 4/5/2013 1:07AM

    Just be kind to yourself. No matter what you're dealing with, you'll get it straightened out. I have faith in you. If you just need to take time to figure it out, do it. It's all about YOU. emoticon

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AHTRAP 4/5/2013 12:33AM

    just keep in mind, even when everything is trying to make it the furthest thing from your mind, that it's a lot more work to get rid of it than it is putting it on. Your head's got to be in the right place, just don't get too lost in those mental stormclouds that suddenly came from the horizon to IN YOUR FACE.

And one way to avoid that "what have i done" blog? Keep scribbling in this space, even if you don't feel like it. Even if it makes you put up with some of us when you really don't want to. You never know, one of us might have that phrase or thought that might help you turn things around.

Assuming, of course, that things ever need to get turned around, rather than minorly adjusted. I'm betting on the latter, actually.


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CORTNEY-LEE 4/4/2013 8:39PM

    I wish you the best my friend!



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JESSICA_STULTZ 4/4/2013 8:37PM

    Nobody's weight loss journey is perfect. Don't let anybody get you down. Even if you do gain a couple pounds, it will come off again. I've also become comfortable with my weight. I feel ok with where I am sitting.. but I really want to lose more. I can't, for the life of me, find the motivation to lose more! For awhile I was just forcing myself to do it, whether or not I wanted to.. and I can't even get myself to do that lately! Hope things get better for you soon so you can get back to trucking towards your goals!

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AZULVIOLETA6 4/4/2013 4:20PM

    Right there with you. I've had some health problems lately that have kept me from exercising, along with a major family crisis and some work stress. I was out of town for about a month living in a hotel, and the free snacks were way too much temptation. I jumped from 208 back up to 218...grrr. I'm back down to 212 just by being very careful with my eating, but goodness it is frustrating! I think that you just have to take it day by day and do the best that you can until you are ready to full-on attack the issue again.

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PRETTYPITHY 4/4/2013 2:03PM

    It sounds like you are actually doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances. Good luck with tracking -- as you already know, it really does make a huge difference! emoticon

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ATTACKFATCAT 4/4/2013 1:21PM

    I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It sounds like you are dealing with change in just about every aspect of your life, and when that happens, it is really difficult to focus on weight loss. There is no need to beat yourself up about trying to lose more weight with all of that going on, and don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

Life isn't always just chugging along in a straight line while we try to lose weight. It had it's curves and twists and you just have to learn to roll with it in the best way possible to take care of yourself. Sometimes, that means weight loss can't take 1st priority. Like you said, that doesn't mean you can just eat with wild abandon. If you are really OK with taking a pause (not "settling", I hate that word), then use this time to really hone in on what you've learned. Focus on continuing healthy habits where you can, like walking your pup and eating as healthy as you can. All of these things will help with your stress levels and how you feel about yourself as you go through all the craziness in your life right now. Maintaining your current weight loss is just as important a goal as it is to lose weight. So don't beat yourself up about it. Just focus on what's best for you right now and don't let weight loss add to the stress in your life.

I went through a divorce, dating, juggling a full-time job with full-time graduate school, and student teaching. During that time, I basically had to stop focusing on losing weight and maintain. I managed to keep all but 10 pounds off of what I had originally lost. I am really proud that I did that and I knew I hadn't given up. I knew I would get to my goal weight one day, it just would take a little longer than expected. In fact, that pause taught me a lot of patience when it comes to weight loss, which I think is something we all struggle with.

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XANGELSTEARZX 4/4/2013 8:58AM

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AMCLELLAN 4/4/2013 8:35AM

    I believe we all need time to take care of ourselves sometimes, even in a journey of taking care of ourselves by losing weight. I know that is confusing, but it is okay to take care of other life issues. You know how to do this, so just do what you need to do. This is your journey, you life, no one elses. When you started down this road you weren't given a map, you weren't shown exactly what twists and turns were along the way. So it's okay to slow down and figure things out. Some things that happen are unforseeable. Like a tree that just falls on a road.

No matter how long it takes, you will reach your goals. Take your time to get yourself back to the place you need to be. Remember, you are better today than you were one year ago. That is important to remember. Maintaining, even within a range, is better than gaining a bunch. I know you won't just sit down and give up. You got this. I have faith in you, and I know you do to.

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MARYBETH4884 4/4/2013 8:14AM

    I think you are on the right track. Literally, get back to your tracking, you wil know how your journey is going good or bad. With tracking it is something you can be in control of! Sounds like work is out of your control so focus on tracking. It isn't a problem to maintain for a while and then when life calms down get back to losing. You will be in my prayers on your personal issue. Take a walk in the wonderful spring weather it will help clear your head and help refresh your soul!

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WEBEZE 4/4/2013 3:08AM

    It saddens me to hear you are struggling with so much right now. I am right there with you with my own struggles. Things will eventually turn around for the better and working on maintaining is a great goal right now. It is so easy to throw in the towel and start heading in the opposite direction. It is awesome that you are digging in and making the best of things and holding steady. I am proud of you. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BETHIEBOOPS 4/4/2013 2:31AM

    Oh sweetie! My heart is sad for you. I'm so sorry about all the things you are going through at the moment. It's a lot! We're here to support you, not condemn you, and it's okay to not be doing awesome. It's okay to have seasons where you are fallible. Control is simply an illusion anyway! I think that Life evaluation is a natural part of "growing up" especially as we start to decide what sort of life we want to have- but that doesn't make it easy. Make sure you're talking to someone about all the stuff happening in your life. A friend can be really helpful in "sharing the burden". A lot of churches offer free counseling too- maybe having someone separate from your day to day life would be helpful?

This too shall pass my friend. *hugs*

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DUMBBELLE84 4/4/2013 2:18AM

    You seem pretty self-aware so all I will offer you is my support and some hugs, to be used as needed. Keep us posted, beautiful lady. I only wish I'd had your determination when I was down and out the last 2 months.

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JUDY106 4/4/2013 12:31AM

    i understand what yo are talking about. I got really sick with virus and bronchitis. i am still trying to get over it. i was too sick to even stay up long enough to track my food. Now i start every morning and by the end of the day i am not doing to. I always tracked my food. I am working on my hubby's business recorders for taxes. I am doing the book keeping that I should of done all through the year, but now have to get it done by next week. I am not pigging out but not doing as good as I should be. I am not exercising because I am spending all my time sitting and doing the book keeping. I know better. I am not going to give up. i just got to get the paper work done and get back on track. I will do it and i know you will do it too. Hugs, Judy

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IMSOOZEEQ 4/4/2013 12:16AM

    Well I could say Whoa wait a minute but I am not going to do that. Although I don't know specifically what you are dealing with in all these cases, I know that you are still in the game and that you are not giving up. You know that the main thing is that you do what you need to do for YOU! The moment that we begin to try to do everything to please all the people around us or even on here, the road gets too muddled to travel. Take some time for YOU!

I support you! emoticon emoticon

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STARSUB99 4/3/2013 9:58PM

    Be kind to yourself when things are not as you would like them to be. You will adjust to the changes at work and in your life - it will take many tears and many deep sighs but you are smart and you will figure it all out. We are here to listen and support you.
Give yourself time. I'm so sad for you and your dog - I've had to put pets down and it is absolutely heart wrenching.
I think you are smart to get your ipod - you need some sanity and that will help you tune in and tune out when needed.
And if it helps - journal your thoughts - talk to a friend - and be gentle with your soul - times like these are tough on good people like you.
Big hugs.
take care.
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THESHELBSTER 4/3/2013 9:38PM

    I love you and I am always so proud of you and I think you are amazing. You are dealing with a lot and in spite of that you are still maintaining and not just throwing in the towel and undoing all of your hard work. Many people would have just said to hell with it and given this whole thing up. You haven't done that and I know you never will. I think you are awesome.

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KCHRISTY6 4/3/2013 9:30PM

  You do have quite a bit going on! What you describe is certainly no fun - I guess I can't speak to having to work in a satellite trailer per se, but I do share 2 things with you - I "broke up" with a friend of almost 10 years and I also had to put down my 12 year old dog (a perfect dog and my best friend ever) last year and I still cry at the thought of it. I'm doing okay without the friend, but losing my dog still hurts like crazy! Anyway, what I wanted to say is that since you feel "okay" at your current weight, it might be okay to NOT focus on it right now - just for a bit. I'm not suggesting tossing all care to the wind, but just shift your focus. Re-evaluate your life. Listen to your Ipod (maybe even go on a walk while listening to it). Love your dog while you can. I can guarantee that it will be time well spent. (I still did my workouts every day when I knew my girl didn't have much time left and I kick myself nearly every day for not spending that time with her). I wish you luck and peace.
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