Wednesday, April 03, 2013
After the humiliating and disrespectful evaluation with dad yesterday (nurse practically begged me to be there for the 2 hr evaluation) I came home cried and cried , didn't really eat much yesterday, but when hubby went to work and son went to bed I self medicated running to the chocolate cream filled Oreo bag (6 ) and topped it off with some Nestle Quik milk.
The amount of stress is unbelievable, my head is still hurting from the screaming that went on between us and I have finally realized I'm taking my mom's place in his mind.
Yes my mom was mean to me rotten most of my life, but he use to constantly yell at him , well they both were toxic to one another and since she's gone I see more and more that I've taken her place and my brother's who crap all over him are still high on the totem pole.
I take high bp pills and I can only imagine what my bp went up to yesterday during the arguing his was 138/58 , I should of had the nurse take mine.
I can no longer let myself be disrespected, humiliated and treated like garbage after all I've done for him. He's toxic!
You would think a man that has lived well passed his expiration date (he's cheated death 4 times) would be happy to be alive and love his family as much as he could, but he's getting meaner and meaner.
I called the physical therapist today who called yesterday and told him to call my brother from now on, that I'm living with lyme and fibromyalgia and my dad is adding to much stress to my life and I can't be responsible any longer for the health of myself has to start coming first. He was nice and understood, he said believe me I hear this a lot, he said you take care of yourself and from now on we'll call your brother.
My brother wanted to be on the medical proxy, well now he's going to live up to it because I can no longer make myself sick worrying about my dad and being treated like I have no feelings what so ever.
I won't be visiting often and when I do go and he asks for me to put a load of laundry in I won't be doing that as I tried to get him help he said that my nephews wife does everything for him well she's gonna live up to it cause I'm done!
When he shows up at my house to take my son to the store with him , I'm sorry I don't trust my son in the car with my dad any longer, he's off of oxygen and if something was to happen with my dad behind the wheel I'd never forgive myself if something happened to my beautiful son.
I have done more then my fair share for him, I wasn't wanted for 6 yrs over there and when my mom died the ban was lifted for me to take care of my dad, well I'm putting the ban back on as I won't be made a fool of anymore!
I woke up this morning looking so old from crying all night and my nerves on edge from yesterday, what I saw today I don't ever want to see again!!!!!!!!
No more self medicating with Oreo's and Nestle Quik ( that was a huge break down for me to do that, I've been really good ), I will no longer run to food over my dad or other family again, the ball is now in my brother's court. I've saved my dad 3 times, let's see how my brother does now.
I will not be calling my dad anytime soon, if he should call I'll be civil but that's it. This should be the time when we all come together as a family, but he chooses to be mean and rotten and I have to turn my back to some degree and today was the start with giving my brothers number to the nurses and physical therapy, let him see how much stress it brings.
I have to start loving me and putting me and my family first, MY EYES ARE WIDE OPEN NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!