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Believe it or not..

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

Feeling sorry for myself has ~NOT~ helped me release any weight.

I know.. shocker, right?

Rant ahead. You've been warned.

"Feeling sorry for myself" is the best way I can think of to describe my mindset of late. I'm irritated, irked, p*ssed, over it, rollin' my eyes, shaking my head, snorting in derision and in general - ridiculous.

None of that has helped me maintain my goal of letting go 1 lb a week. I'm off track (completely derailed?) on that front and hope to get back on track once again.

Do you ever get so fed up with yourself that if you were someone else, you'd avoid you like the plague? Not answering phone calls, ignoring text messages, turning the other way when you spot yourself coming down the street? Yea.

Suzie mentioned she and her DH spent some time with us this last Saturday, and it was good to see them again, get all chatted up and wot not. Suz said something that stuck with me and I've been ruminating on it since then.

Consistency and luck - that is what she attributes her success. (Yes, there's more to it than that likely, but nuts and bolts, bare minimum kind of thinking..) Neither of which I've had for quite some time. I haven't dialed in my nutrition. I've all but given up on fitness. I have allowed myself to develop a bad attitude and wonder "what's so wrong with being soft and jiggly, really?"

My biggest issue right now is I. Don't. Want. To.


I just don't.

I don't mind eating well for breakfast and lunch, even for dinner, but all bets are off after dinner and my mouth-cravings over-ride my better common sense.
I don't want to constrain myself to eating smart and healthy and actual portions rather than 'some'.

I know I need to move. I need to walk. I have the Rock'n'Roll coming up in May and I need to be prepared. I don't need to go into it half-*ssed as I did last year, and yet here I am. Again.
I don't want to run, much less walk, or even lift a 5 lb weight at home while sitting on my *ss watching tv in the evening.

Well isn't this nice?
You know me - I own my faults and failings, and really it's not admirable, it's ridiculous. I've been hiding out for the most part, not blogging because I try really really hard not to lie to you all, so it's easier just to say nothing at all.

Nobody's fault but your own.

That's our family motto. It is, really.

If I say I'm going to reduce processed carbs, I need to do that. Not partially, or kinda sorta, but for reals.
I FEEL BETTER when I'm not shoveling crap in my mouth, physically and emotionally.

I talked a bit about this with Suz and hubby over lunch, while forking in bite after bite of chocolate muffin into my gob. That's right, a chocolate muffin made with refined carbs.
It's not rocket science. C'MON!

I hate being a hypocrite. I can rah-rah cheer all y'all on, encourage people, believe in someone and explain why they should believe in themselves.. but I am not able to do it for myself.

Plus, if Joe Blow/Jane Doe can lose X lbs in Y time, why the h*ll can't I?
Oh, that's right, they're actually trying, not feeling sorry for themselves.

I do not believe releasing weight is ONLY calories in, calories out. I believe there is much more to it than that. But I bet.. I BET.. if I work on balancing out that equation again in earnest, consistently, I might just get lucky.

Consistency and luck.

I need lots of both. Yes, please.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm sorry for being so late here! I had to take a break from spreadsheets before my eyes pop out of my head LOL!

    I love your rant blog. And yes, I totally get sick of myself. If not for this it's for that and I'm most frequently sick of myself. And it's often along with a case of the I. Don't. Want. Tos. I love how you put things!

    But I bet none of us here are sick of you so let us help when you need. That's what we're here for, right?!

    I'm glad something I said gave you something to think about (without thinking or trying).

    I relate to so much of what you have said here even though I'm in a losing streak (hope I didn't just jinx that). I find I'm constantly fighting the "I don't want tos" and it's getting old. Thankfully I've been winning the fight more than losing but I don't want it to be a fight like this because it feels like it's only a matter of time until I'm on the other side of the battle. Sigh.

    For what it matters, I never gave it a thought about you being a hypocrite at all. If I hadn't been so full, I'd been right there with you enjoying that chocolate muffin you all said was totally worth it.

    Wishing you and all of us mega-dose of consistency and luck!
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    1807 days ago
    I can't believe there are so many out there with the same feelings (after reading replies). Add me to the list. The only thing I would change to make it my blog is "Do you ever get so fed up with life that if you wish you didn't wake up".

    Well, I've had enough of that, time for an attitude change. But since I can't go buy one at the store I guess it's up to me.

    I hope April turns out to be a better month for all of us. And yes, I do want to go on the walk.
    1807 days ago
    Thank you for posting this! There is nothing in here that we don't all experience, whether it's for a day, a few months, most of our lives, whatever. But, also as you say, this is nothing we like to admit, to ourselves or other people (gasp!). You're awesome for finding the words, and bravely sharing them. We're all cheering for you as you move forward!
    1807 days ago
    "Do you ever get so fed up with yourself that if you were someone else, you'd avoid you like the plague? Not answering phone calls, ignoring text messages, turning the other way when you spot yourself coming down the street? Yea. "

    Oh man, I've been there. It sucks when you're your own saboteur.... and there is a cheesy poof version of me that loves to sabotage my efforts. I've had the it's unfair monster and the I don't wanna monster move into the guest room of my house, too.

    This, right here: "I don't want to constrain myself to eating smart and healthy and actual portions rather than 'some'."

    It's not fair. It's not fair. There are some girls that I work with who eat alfredo pasta and burgers and drink mello yello ALL DAY, and they don't gain an ounce. They're not gym people, they don't have super secret workouts, and to the best of my knowledge, they're not binging and purging. When they drink coffee, they drink it loaded with schmancy flavored creamers. When they get snacks, they are eating full on dortios and hershey bars.

    I'm nomming black coffee, Sometimes with a fat free creamer or sugar free syrup. Those things are good, but they aren't the same as the baileys Irish Cream by international house coffee.... I'm nomming fresh veg and hummus for snacks, or in a real bind, pretzels or stupid 100 calorie packs of almonds.

    Why do they get to and I don't? What is it about them that gets them all the foods, and I have to log every one, monitor myself and stop myself from eating too much?

    I have theories about it, but I won't go into it here. I want you to know that I share your frustrations, your dismay about the whole thing. I don't wanna get too "silver lining" about it, because you're in the spiral down place, where it's nicer to commiserate in misery than it is to have Sally Sunshine saying buck up butter cup, BUT:

    --The times that I do spiral into the orange crunchy land of cheesy poofs, mac and cheese, doritos, chocolate: I feel like hell. My bowel movements/ my stomach both go on strike. I'm gassy. I'm crabby, and I feel more listless/lacking motivation. Additionally, I find that many of those foods don't really taste that great-- little debbie cakes are gross!

    --When I'm eating on track, exercising, I'm more even-keel. I can listen to my body and can expect more from it (I have more energy, I know what kind of stomach stuff/ sleep stuff/ mood stuff I go through regularly and am not effed with sugar spikes and bad tummy crud-- my body operates on an expected route and I can depend on it more).

    I still cycle, sometimes I'll be on a really good streak of 2 months and then have a complete trainwreck. Sometimes the swat team doesn't come quickly and I'll set up camp by the train wreck, but sometimes the swat team is on the ball and I get outta there fast on only one bag of cheesy poofs. I've decided that feeling frustrated, hateful of others and myself for failing is totally useless. I've decided that my life is a life with cheese poofs, and sometimes the cheese poofs will become a staple for me-- but it's not permanent.

    We're learning. You're doing the best you can right now, and that's GREAT. It's okay to derail and regroup. You can use this last off track as an opportunity to see what was a possible trigger-- I seem to remember that you were trying to cut out sugar from your diet with Rockstardaddy and the zombie folks-- before that, you seemed to be on track, and doing well. I don't know exactly what was going on and I'm totally over simplifying, but what if you looked at the two months prior to this adventure off the sparkpath-- what was going on? Was there a THING that happened to knock you around or where there things that happened? What was your diet exercise like when you were on track, and where did it change?

    Okay. I wrote a novel-- to the point that I've forgotten where I started. Sigh.

    Shorty: I hear you. I have felt similarly. I've missed you. It's nice to see you again.
    1807 days ago
    I am so right there with you!! I want my body to change and lose weight - without me doing a thing. I know it's not realistic, but I wish I could "Wish" it away. Instead I need to buckle down and do it...Hugs!
    1808 days ago
    1808 days ago
    I totally get this blog. I don't however, have any advice for you that you don't already know.

    It did help me, though. I have cravings in the evening, too. But, when I cave in, I always exercise harder the next day. Maintaining is worse than losing, too. You can fool yourself into thinking you've already made it and now can resume normal eating. And normal soon becomes "resume old, bad habits".

    I have been close to ideal weight for many years. One would think, by looking at me -"Gee he's got it made, he looks so slim. How lucky he is". I hear it all the time. But, no it isn't easy for me and even though I'm in decent shape, I too suffer guilt every time I gain a couple of lbs back. It never ends, it has to be a lifestyle (as you know).

    Good luck to you, and thanks for posting this, it helped me stay strong.
    1808 days ago
    I'm so there with you. Exercise has been increasingly hard lately, and having a foreign exchange student at my house has been a license to overindulge. But the one thing I can say is having the cruise in front of me keeps pulling me back in. Maybe you just need something to look forward to...something that makes you think wow I have to wear shorts and I would sure like to look better than I do right now. I think for both of us, going backwards and having to relose these pounds is more devastating than we would care to admit. I know for me...knowing that I weigh more than I did for my Europe trip two years ago has been really hard. But I can't do anything about the past, all I can change is the future. And I want each future outing to be one that I way less than the last time. That is what is keeping me going! And I've missed you...JS!
    1808 days ago
    Consistency and luck. Could I order a double helping of each please? I so get this. I just said pretty much this same thing to Irish earlier. I'm crossing my fingers for each of us!

    Keep us posted please.

    1808 days ago
    Count me in as another person who's mind you must have been reading. I'm right there with you in terms of doing well for breakfast and lunch.... then not so well in the evening... in my case I call it half-a$$ed tracking.

    I don't have the answers either but thought I'd let you know I'm right there in the trenches with you.
    1808 days ago
    Everything you're saying could have easily been written by me. In 2006, when I joined Spark, I hit the ground running, lost a bunch of weight (130 lbs) in about a year. Then I was faced with maintenance and could not figure it all out. The thrill of seeing the pounds drop each week wasn't there. I tried to go back to "normal" eating, not tracking, etc., giving myself more breaks from exercising. It was like the process was over, now on to real life. But that's not how it is for me.

    I gained it all back, and I fought tooth and nail to prevent it along the way. My way of thinking was exactly as you described. I didn't care. I didn't want to eat healthy. I wanted to eat what I wanted, when I wanted to, and I wasn't ready to start exercising again.

    I feel so amazing when I'm eating healthy and exercising. You'd think that would be enough to keep me doing it, right? No. I try to convince myself that I should, but I talk myself out of it. I remember the summers when I was thin. I was not miserable. I could wear tank tops and shorts and not be self-conscious. I could get into a bathing suit and be active with my kids. The summer that followed, where I was on my way back up in weight, I was hot, sweaty, miserable, etc. But did that motivate me? No.

    I feel for you and I really wish I had the answer. Whoever can figure this out, how to get past this mindset, could write a book or run a program for us folks when we fall off the wagon and strike it rich.

    Just do for yourself what you would do for others. Be positive. Don't beat yourself up. Start with baby steps again. Don't try to do too much at once. Maybe even speaking to a counselor who specializes in eating disorders? I have considered that one too.

    Hang in there. With your run coming up in May, just concentrate on prepping for that. Nothing else. And see where that gets you! I'm rooting for you!!

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    1808 days ago
    Get out of my head Candy (kidding, sorta)

    Funny- we know what works. We have to just work it. Kind of like my mantra - "plan to work and work your plan". I got the planning to work down - working my plan - eh... I struggle.

    Hang tough. I don't have any answers. But I know that acknowledging it is the first step, at least for me.

    Thanks for sharing your comments. At least I don't feel alone.

    1808 days ago
    That does about sum it up, doesn't it? Sometimes you have to make your own luck, though; I'm pulling for you to get things headed in the right direction and get that spark blazing again. You absolutely positively can do this, I know; it's getting started again to get the momentum going that is so stinking hard. Been there, done that, not too far from that I-don't-care place myself because of stress/life/grief/excuses. We have to just suck it up and do what we know is needed to move forward, even if we don't 'see' the results that we want right away. Let's kick that attitude out the door and get going again, shall we?

    1808 days ago
    Consistency and luck - I love that formula! There's a lot to be said for simplicity in thinking, isn't there? Reading your blog reminds me of all the times that I've felt this way myself, about weight loss or other aspects of my life. I saw what I was doing but just couldn't get it together to fix it. The good thing is, tomorrow is a new day and another chance for a new start. If you don't get it right today? Try again! You CAN do this. emoticon
    1808 days ago
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