Wednesday, April 03, 2013
I've been down in the dumps lately. I've been frustrated, angry, and feeling sorry for myself. I have been throwing the equivalent of a two week temper tantrum. And, I am tired of myself! I am tired of this pity party, tired of thinking of all I can't do, tired of feeling defeated.
A few weeks ago I discovered that I have a hypothyroid which causes me to retain weight, feel exhausted and depressed, and makes my thinking cloudy. I was so relieved to learn what the problem was; I hadn't been feeling like myself in some time, and I was so glad to know I wasn't going crazy!
But since then, I have just felt really depressed about it. I have stopped tracking my food, exercising regularly, even caring about my weight. I've given up on myself. I blame the illness, but that doesn't help me. Blaming anything or anyone gets me nowhere; I just end up feeling like a victim.
Given my past, this is a very familiar and predictable feeling space for me to go. I forget that I am no longer a small person who cannot protect herself. I have to remind myself that I do have the power to become healthy. I can decide which doctors to see and keep going back until I get treatment that works for me. I can eat healthy in the meantime. I can go for a walk in the meantime. I can continue to live my life, to love myself, and to move forward with grace while I learn to live with this condition. I want to do that.
So, today I am recommitting to myself. I am not going to punish myself anymore. I am going to treat my body and mind with respect. I am going to give myself the rest I need. I am going to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off and get back on this horse. This is my life and I don't want to waste any more time not living it!