Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Over the weekend, hubby and I had a great, deep conversation about all the uncertainty surrounding the possible fertility treatments presented on Friday. After some introspective talk, thinking about why I was so unsure, and how it scared me more than excited me, and all the other uncertainty, we finally came to The Decision.
We are NOT getting on that roller coaster.
I called my doctor yesterday and let her know, and so it sounds like we're literally doing nothing. So, basically we know I don't ovulate regularly, my hormone levels are low, and we're okay with that. If we decide to add to our family, we will pursue adoption again.
I'm still processing, this is bigger than some words on a screen can encompass, but I have to say, I'm surprised. I'm relieved now that we've made the decision. I thought I'd be let down, feel disappointed, but no, the primary feeling I have now is relief.
And a little guilt, because I feel like I'm letting myself down somehow, by not wanting a pregnancy and infant so deeply anymore. I don't know if it's because I'm terrified to hope, if it's because I frankly don't want the work of an infant with a preteen on my hands, something else? All of the above?
I just know that I am relieved, and it feels odd. Good, but odd.