Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Iíve been having a hard time coming up with what to blog lately. I realize that it is because I donít want to blog what is eating away at the back of my little brain. But it is gnawing away back there, like a rat trying to escape a box.
Let me preface this with a few facts, before the ratty gnawy fear. Fact 1 Ė I look identical to my mother, not similar IDENTICAL. Both my dad and my gram have mistake pictures of her for me and vice versa. Fact 2 Ė I have been tested for rheumatoid arthritis and I have they RH factor (whatever that means). I donít experience bi-lateral problems so I would say mine is inactive and/or tolerable (maybe I am in pain but just donít notice? Ė could happen). Fact 3 Ė I think way too much.
Background, my momís rheumatoid arthritis severally flared between she turned 42 and 43. She also started experiencing migraines and other pains. She went from very healthy to having trouble holding her job. She was given several diagnoses and saw specialists all over Chicago. Just about a year later, the Rheumatologist found the lump. How this had not shown on all the tests she had is still beyond my understanding but the week after her 44rd birthday she was diagnosis with stage 4 non-Hodgkinís lymphoma. She never saw 45. They said she had most likely had the cancer for several years and it had gone un-diagnosed.
Guess who is turning 42 this month. Yepper yepper Ė Ms. Kitty herself! There is a part of me that keeps reminding myself I really am a different person from my mom. And there is the gnawing little rat that says I have about 30 months left. There is the part of me that says Iím healthier than I have been since I was a teen. And the rat reminds me that lymphoma doesnít hurt or interfere until itís too late.
I donít usually scare easily, but Iím afraid of the rat. Afraid he is right, that he is not worry but a warning. There is nothing to do. What happens - happens. I have to live my life; I canít worry about the rat. Heís just really bothering me right now.
I wonder if a peacock can eat a rat. Might be a solution? Never mind Ė thatís a whole other blog.