Tuesday, April 02, 2013
You know what is awesome? Falling in love. You know what is even more awesome?
When the person you fall in love with falls in love with you. You know what is even more awesome then that? Sticking to a damn plan and not eating out all the time and getting fat so you can be comfortable and happy with the one you love. I have fallen victim to the get a boyfriend gain weight trap and it pisses me off. It makes no sense. You have a dude that now sees you naked regularly and you put on weight to feel self conscious and lumpy and gross. What the hell? Itís so much easier to snuggle up and watch a movie and eat popcorn or go out to dinner ALL THE TIME. I hate that I let myself slide and that hate is making me spiral even further instead of kicking my @ss into gear.
And heís great by the way. If I said Ďhey why donít we cook something insteadí or Ďletís go take your puppy for a walkí (which I did on Saturday because Iím starting to change this crap and we went it and it was fun). He would do anything to make me happy and that is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. He goes to the gym almost every day and is more than willing to work around my schedule to see me so it really shouldnít be an option to not work out if Iím going to see him or eat like crap. Anything I have ever made him he gladly eats and tells me how good it is and again this is just one more of my excuses to be lazy.
You know what is not awesome? When you have a lot of things not going your way in your life and you use that to further your spiral. Oh you canít get a job to save your life? Oh that job interview that went on and went really well and they made you think you were going to get it (she actually said we really want to get you into this organization and I think youíd be a really good fit for this position) and then you donít get it. You feel stuck and like you wasted more money on a degree that is worthless. I assumed I would make at least what I make now (which is not very much) but a lot of them are quite a bit less than what Iím making now. I donít know how that is possible but whatever. Iíve felt stuck in this Ďwhere am I, what am I doing with my life, and oh is that something sweet I better eat it to feel betterí. And I would be too sad to do anything and then Iíd feel guilty because I wouldnít work out and I knew that if I did Iíd feel better but I didnít have it in me to get up off the couch. So then the spiral of ĎIíll just do it tomorrowí or ĎIíll start tomorrowí. That started in December and that is a hell of a lot of tomorrows I wasted.
You know what else is super not awesome? Injuries. Like my foot before the half that put a halt to my running and led me to not working out for like a month. (PS I could have done something but I didnít do anything during that pity spiral). Or my wrist that I had surgery on in July so Iím so scared to re-injure it.
ĎOh is that a push up or plank you want me to do in that video? I probably shouldnít even do the video then because I have to modify it so much.í
What kind of logic is that? Itís one small part of my body that I have to modify for. Itís not that big of a deal. Hold a plank on your elbows after your wrist has had enough. Ease into it, donít push it that hard on that wrist. The rest of your body is fine. Do you hear how big of a weenie Iíve been?
Sure I have been through a lot in the last few years. But none of that stuff gives me license to eat and be fat and unhappy. Which is so stupid to think Ďoh Iíve had a hard time so I should be able to eat French fries and cheese balls and whatever else I want to stuff into my pie hole to make me happyí. So then I can get fat and unhappy? Seriously Buffy, you are not doing you any favors. Look at your super cute boyfriend, you really want to become fat while you are with him. Uh no. He doesnít deserve that and neither do you. Pull it together woman!
Over the last few weeks that has all shifted. The reason I bring them up now is I want to remind myself of the reasons I seem to be self sabotaging myself and all the reasons why it needs to end. Now. I donít want to keep going further down a path I donít want to be on in the first place. The pity-excuse train stops here. Iíve started to make changes necessary to get to where I want to be and that is what is important. All that other stuff is in the past and Iím moving forward from it. I love my boyfriend and I want to feel comfortable when he touches my side. I want my clothes to stop feeling tighter and tighter and then get mad and eat something. I want to make changes to be healthy and happy and feel better in my own skin. I want to get back to where I was and run and go to Zumba (and not feel so much stuff jiggle).
Iím feeling good. I accept myself as I am but I know Iím capable of more and I want more from myself. I know itís hard and not easy but it is so worth it. My attitude in the last week has really taken a complete turn and Iím done focusing on the negative. I have to remind myself of the good and the good I have in me. Iím not a failure. I love myself and believe in the journey I am on. Iím worth feeling good about my body and Iím worth making changes so that I feel healthy. I just want this as a reminder of how I was feeling and how I donít want to feel again. Food is not going to make anything better damn it. I saw this on pinterest and it made me laugh Ďyouíre not a dog, stop rewarding yourself with foodí. So if you find yourself starting down this path, here is your sign to turn around. Work out today. Eat a better snack, lunch or dinner, even if you had a donut for breakfast. ITís never too late to turn around. Think about what is causing you to self sabotage yourself and find ways to fight against it. Find work outs you love and do them. Donít be so hard on yourself but donít give into the excuses and pity. You are not a victim and you only have to stay this way if you choose to. Choose better. You hear that Buffy, CHOOSE BETTER!