If you need a kick in the pants like I did...
Tuesday, April 02, 2013
You know what is awesome? Falling in love. You know what is even more awesome?
When the person you fall in love with falls in love with you. You know what is even more awesome then that? Sticking to a damn plan and not eating out all the time and getting fat so you can be comfortable and happy with the one you love. I have fallen victim to the get a boyfriend gain weight trap and it pisses me off. It makes no sense. You have a dude that now sees you naked regularly and you put on weight to feel self conscious and lumpy and gross. What the hell? It’s so much easier to snuggle up and watch a movie and eat popcorn or go out to dinner ALL THE TIME. I hate that I let myself slide and that hate is making me spiral even further instead of kicking my @ss into gear.
And he’s great by the way. If I said ‘hey why don’t we cook something instead’ or ‘let’s go take your puppy for a walk’ (which I did on Saturday because I’m starting to change this crap and we went it and it was fun). He would do anything to make me happy and that is one of the many reasons why I love him so much. He goes to the gym almost every day and is more than willing to work around my schedule to see me so it really shouldn’t be an option to not work out if I’m going to see him or eat like crap. Anything I have ever made him he gladly eats and tells me how good it is and again this is just one more of my excuses to be lazy.
You know what is not awesome? When you have a lot of things not going your way in your life and you use that to further your spiral. Oh you can’t get a job to save your life? Oh that job interview that went on and went really well and they made you think you were going to get it (she actually said we really want to get you into this organization and I think you’d be a really good fit for this position) and then you don’t get it. You feel stuck and like you wasted more money on a degree that is worthless. I assumed I would make at least what I make now (which is not very much) but a lot of them are quite a bit less than what I’m making now. I don’t know how that is possible but whatever. I’ve felt stuck in this ‘where am I, what am I doing with my life, and oh is that something sweet I better eat it to feel better’. And I would be too sad to do anything and then I’d feel guilty because I wouldn’t work out and I knew that if I did I’d feel better but I didn’t have it in me to get up off the couch. So then the spiral of ‘I’ll just do it tomorrow’ or ‘I’ll start tomorrow’. That started in December and that is a hell of a lot of tomorrows I wasted.
You know what else is super not awesome? Injuries. Like my foot before the half that put a halt to my running and led me to not working out for like a month. (PS I could have done something but I didn’t do anything during that pity spiral). Or my wrist that I had surgery on in July so I’m so scared to re-injure it.
‘Oh is that a push up or plank you want me to do in that video? I probably shouldn’t even do the video then because I have to modify it so much.’
What kind of logic is that? It’s one small part of my body that I have to modify for. It’s not that big of a deal. Hold a plank on your elbows after your wrist has had enough. Ease into it, don’t push it that hard on that wrist. The rest of your body is fine. Do you hear how big of a weenie I’ve been?
Sure I have been through a lot in the last few years. But none of that stuff gives me license to eat and be fat and unhappy. Which is so stupid to think ‘oh I’ve had a hard time so I should be able to eat French fries and cheese balls and whatever else I want to stuff into my pie hole to make me happy’. So then I can get fat and unhappy? Seriously Buffy, you are not doing you any favors. Look at your super cute boyfriend, you really want to become fat while you are with him. Uh no. He doesn’t deserve that and neither do you. Pull it together woman!
Over the last few weeks that has all shifted. The reason I bring them up now is I want to remind myself of the reasons I seem to be self sabotaging myself and all the reasons why it needs to end. Now. I don’t want to keep going further down a path I don’t want to be on in the first place. The pity-excuse train stops here. I’ve started to make changes necessary to get to where I want to be and that is what is important. All that other stuff is in the past and I’m moving forward from it. I love my boyfriend and I want to feel comfortable when he touches my side. I want my clothes to stop feeling tighter and tighter and then get mad and eat something. I want to make changes to be healthy and happy and feel better in my own skin. I want to get back to where I was and run and go to Zumba (and not feel so much stuff jiggle).
I’m feeling good. I accept myself as I am but I know I’m capable of more and I want more from myself. I know it’s hard and not easy but it is so worth it. My attitude in the last week has really taken a complete turn and I’m done focusing on the negative. I have to remind myself of the good and the good I have in me. I’m not a failure. I love myself and believe in the journey I am on. I’m worth feeling good about my body and I’m worth making changes so that I feel healthy. I just want this as a reminder of how I was feeling and how I don’t want to feel again. Food is not going to make anything better damn it. I saw this on pinterest and it made me laugh ‘you’re not a dog, stop rewarding yourself with food’. So if you find yourself starting down this path, here is your sign to turn around. Work out today. Eat a better snack, lunch or dinner, even if you had a donut for breakfast. IT’s never too late to turn around. Think about what is causing you to self sabotage yourself and find ways to fight against it. Find work outs you love and do them. Don’t be so hard on yourself but don’t give into the excuses and pity. You are not a victim and you only have to stay this way if you choose to. Choose better. You hear that Buffy, CHOOSE BETTER!