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The Person I've Become...

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

I've been mostly active on Spark for a little over 4 years now and I received a very clear image this morning of "The Person I've Become" at this point in my journey. Yes, we see these a lot on Spark, right? The before and after pictures, the glowing reports of goals met and accomplishments made. Mine might be just a little different than the average though...let's take a look:

emoticon The Person I've Become...is someone that, although I support a small core group of Spark friends that I've held onto through this journey, I'm not making any new ones

emoticon The Person I've Become...is someone that is lazy in their journey...that wakes up tired and therefore, does nothing because I have some ready excuse of why I can't

emoticon The Person I've Become...is someone that munches on anything and everything while dinner is cooking

emoticon The Person I've Become...is someone that receives their SparkMail, gets my points, and deletes it without reading it

emoticon The Person I've Become...is someone that isn't truly active on ANY teams at the moment and that usually deletes the new topic notifications without even checking the thread

emoticon The Person I've Become...is someone that isn't even getting the minimum amount of water

emoticonThe Person I've Become...is someone that doesn't track their food, and when I do track, I lie to myself like it's nothing

emoticon The Person I've Become...is someone that isn't participating in any challenges because I don't truly want to be accountable

emoticon The Person I've Become...is one of those people that have 50,000+ fitness minutes, but can't show any REAL weight loss for it for the past several years - Yes, read that again, YEARS I have been at near the same weight

emoticon Obviously all of the things about The Person I've Become are NOT what brought me success on Spark in the early stages. emoticon

emoticon When I first got active on Spark...I was making new friends like crazy because they were on fire, which helped me keep my fire burning, which in turn kept their fire burning bright - and the circle went round and round. But the reality is that so many of those Spark Friends are in a similar place as me, if they are even still active or have just disappeared...we start, we stop, we stay stagnant, we grow weary of the never-ending journey. I know that I can personally say that for the most part, I've become jaded and complacent.

emoticon When I first got active on Spark...I researched like a fiend. All those SparkMail messages I got, I actually READ them...even if it was something I already knew, it was a great reminder of what good habits are.

emoticon When I first got active on Spark...I searched out teams that were actually active. I posted to the message boards, I asked questions, I supported member blogs, I huddled, I supported new members, wished people happy birthday, celebrated Sparkversaries.

emoticon When I first got active on Spark...I tracked EVERYTHING and made adjustments when needed.

emoticon When I first got active on Spark...I didn't mindlessly gobble down food for the most part - it happens to the best of us, but it was not a regular thing.

emoticon When I first got active on Spark...I didn't even BUY the junk food because I knew it was too much of a temptation. I didn't allow the mentality of "it's not a big deal to have a couple cookies, right?"

emoticon When I first got active on Spark...I searched out team challenges and participated in them. I may not have had a perfect streak, but it helped me stay focused on eating right and moving my body more often than not.

The reality is that I've become completely lazy about this thing. I wish I could say that I'm only lazy about some of it, but nah...that would just be another lie to myself. I'm lazy in pretty much every single aspect of living a HEALTHY life. I make excuses, I lie about what habits are back in my life, I'm not supporting other Sparkers, I'm not researching and reading and filling my mind with tips and tricks that are proven to work, I'm slipping in a mentality that it's OKAY to eat cruddy food/junk, that I've somehow earned it or something either through a hard day at work, a good PT session, a good workout, PMS...whatever, you name it - I have a "reason" to give myself bad food ALL.THE.TIME), I'm not tracking, I'm not drinking water. I'm L~A~Z~Y.

There I said it - The Person I've Become...is LAZY.

It's actually pretty scary when I realize that the Person I've Become is not that different from the person I was before starting Spark. Yeah, I'm about 40 pounds less than that person and I can wear "normal" clothes, but inside - the part that MATTERS - I'm not that different from that girl that was getting heartburn every night, the one that shopped in the plus section, the one that was embarrassed that I had let myself become so chunky, the one that felt tired all the time. I'm not that different than her even though my ticker says I've lost weight, and my Fitness Minutes are 57,000+, and I identify myself as a runner. I'm different, but the same and it has got to STOP! I don't want to be that girl anymore.

emoticon I want to be...the girl that tracks her food and stays in calorie ranges
emoticon I want to be...the girl that is active - no, TRULY active, on Spark whether it is in my teams, welcoming new members or reading the articles
emoticon I want to be...the girl that inspires others
emoticon I want to be...the girl that is celebrating weight losses and FINALLY celebrates reaching my goal weight
emoticon I want to be...the girl that sets goals and works super hard to MEET THEM
emoticon I want to be...the girl that can stand proud of myself because I'm being HONEST

I can be that girl. I Can be that girl. I CAN be that girl. *******I WILL BE THAT GIRL.*******

I'm not happy with The Person I've Become, but nobody said I can't change that into The Person I WANT TO BE and it starts right now.

For me: Mini Goals for Today
1. Drink WATER - the minimum or more
2. Track FOOD - ALL of it...no lies, but brutal honesty
3. Report back tomorrow
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I read this earlier and had to ruminate and come back. emoticon
    I think this is like any long term commitment (like a marriage maybe). There will be times when you just aren't as present, aren't as head-over-heels with it all. But it is wise of you to step back like this and be honest about where you are and where you want to be.

    I think you can even apply what you've learned from running to this (a marathon analogy comes to mind). And you used to play team sports too, right? You can apply the discipline you learned in those settings to this as well.
    1754 days ago
  • LISAW/3
    What a great blog! I feel the same way about myself. I have become lazy. I know what I need to do to get back to my goal weight, but actually taking those steps is so difficult. Thank you for the reminder and eye opener! You could've been writing this about me! Let's try to motivate each other to get back at it and be engaged with the process again!
    1754 days ago
  • KSW1963
    You always inspire me and I am so proud of the accomplishments that you have made in the past four years. They are pretty huge :). But, I do know what you are saying...and you know I can relate. It is embarrassing to still be in the same place after this long. I know that you can do this. If you can become a runner...you can definitely do this. emoticon
    1754 days ago
    Well, I think that having this happen is understandable. I've been thinking ahead about this very thing. Wondering if it will happen to me, what I will do about it, how to avoid it. Reassessing from time to time is a good thing to do. You will get the old verve back. Looking forward to your next blog.

    1754 days ago
    Thank you so much for your candid blog. Reading it was like reading what I've been feeling lately. It really encourages me to see that someone else is dealing with the same issues. Better to regroup now instead of letting several more years go by. Thanks for the brave blog!
    1754 days ago
    You got this girl. Sometimes it takes a harsh look at oneself (mine was Friday night) to see the need to make the change AND want to do something about it.

    Now track that food, and drink that water!
    1754 days ago
    I could've written this. My reasons are a little different but it all felt familiar. When you talked about the water, I felt guilty and took a chug.


    Hang in there girl. I know emoticon
    1754 days ago
    Yes, you CAN !
    1754 days ago
    Good luck with renewing your Spark. I know mine has been flickering lately. I'm definitely not as active here as I once was. I look at my last status update and it is weeks old, I can't even remember the last time I checked out a message board or participated in a challenge. Like you I am still lighter than what I was when I joined, but my weight has not fluctuated much in the last two years. I feel less hope now that I will reach my goal weight than I did when I first joined Spark and had so much weight to go. I keep telling myself, but not really believing it, that it will happen eventually and that if I wasn't doing what I have been the scale would be creeping upward again. My status quo isn't working anymore and I'm not sure what to do about it.
    1754 days ago
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