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    KALLIE1958AR   19,717
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SOME OF MY LIFE GROWING UP !

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

8:07 AM 4/2/2013
Hi all ..
wow we are still here it amazes me .. I keep expecting Jesus to come get us in the night but it may be daylight who knows but God .. I just know everyday
I see more and more signs .. Today I felt the lord telling me to talk of my abuse .. It used to be so hard now it is easy .. I have let God heal me of
all the past .. As far back as I can remember I was sexually abused by my dad .. it was hard .. I also had 2 other men do the same .. So you can imagine the
way my mind was messed up .. I can look back and I know I used food .. I was told if I told they would kill me so I lived in fear and I grew up feeling that
something was wrong .. Why would your own dad do this to you as I grew older I just tried to survive .. so much of my life I was angry for many reasons ..
I would eat to stuff my feelings and then I had weight issues .. So I stuffed anger .. Im sure I was depressed I look back and I would sleep all weekends alot
I would dream of a life that was not like the one I was in .. Then I got older and I finally talked to my older sister see I thought it was just me but
it wasn't .. My dad was molesting both of my other sisters to .. So we confronted him .. I became the bold Child .. My mom was in Calif because my grandpa
her dad had surgery and she stayed there for 2 or so months don't remember .. but we decided now is the time .. So after talking to him he cried and confessed
that his dad had raped all his sisters night after night and made him watch .. I never asked him if he raped him honest I just wanted to get that over .. but
he said he would just kill his self .. I said ya go ahead .. we are the ones who will have to live with all this and figure it out .. so he didn't we just told
him stay away from all of us .. and he did .. But I have no idea who else he did that to as I was only 10 at the time .. but I grew up so angry .. I felt
we could not talk to our mom .. She didn't protect us she never knew she said later when I was married and had both my kids she found out more on that later
but growing up I decided men wanted only one thing .. sex .. and I didn't like them .. so I had a few lesbian affairs .. didn't work for me .. ya i am sure i shocked a few people ... I would go out
with guys and they of course did what I felt they wanted so I got to where I was mean .. I would let them take me out and I would get them to a point and
say take me home .. yes mean .. but I felt the deserved it .. I was a pretty girl I walked at that time daily and my body was so cute .. and boy did I use
it .. I met a man who I decided I would marry I just wanted out of the house .My mom worked all the time I had to do all the house work my older sister was
married so I determined to marry him and I did .. and it was a bad marriage after we were married he turned in to a control freak .. wouldn't let me take
birth control so on .. I got pregnant and had my first child at 15 due to that .. So be careful what you ask for you might get it .. Well I had been told there
is a God I just wondered where he was .. all my life I had watched my Grandma .. and I so loved her .. I loved both my Grandparents but I connected with
Grandma .. She was a Christan and she talked a lot about Jesus and God and I would listen I went to some Sunday school once in awhile growing up and there
was a time my family went to church some but nothing I can really remember .. but I watched my Grandma .. and Kept hearing about this God and Jesus ..
So when my son was around 3 we rode horses I trained my own .. she was awesome .. I worked and stayed at home the Saturday my x took my son to the arena to ride
well I have no idea what he was thinking but he had him on my horse ... and someone let my horse out of the arena .. which was across a highway to the
barn .. next thing I know my x is bringing him in and he is crying and I see blood everywhere .. I took him to the tub turned the water on to wash his
head off and I almost passed out grabbed him and we were off to the Hospital .. I was scared to death .. I remember praying .. then they told me they had
to take him to a hospital 2 hours away that they did not have surgeons to do this .. so I rode in the ambulance and I prayed and prayed .. when we got there
me and my son they took him and showed me the waiting room .. I went in there and I had my first experience with God .. I said God I know I have no right
to ask this of you but if you will make things right I will turn my life over to you and live for you .. Well I had a peace come on me I have never felt
before it just was the most assuring thing and God said Betty he will be alright .. And not long after a Doctor came out and told me .. your son is ok
it like a fraction like a hair touching his brain .. later we went to where he had fell off my horse and found a piece of metal and he had hit his head on
it .. Well That was my first encounter with God .. I will tell more of my life tomorrow come back for some more of the Truths I went thru .. What I want
to tell you is if you have been abused in your life of any kind reach out .. tell someone .. you know I was in my 50s when God showed me to let it go ..
I felt I had to have a man in my life because wasn't sex love .. .. No let me help you sex is not love .. Love has sex in it .. but it is not love ..
sex can be used so wrongly .. This world is getting so bad men or women .. I wont peg a sex ... they use Children come on I was maybe 3 when I was sexually
abused who could want a child at that age a innocent child .. you have to be messed up to want that .. If I had someone I could have talked to anyone ..
my life could have been so different .. if Someone had even been bolder about Jesus .. I loved my Grandma but didn't see her often where were the Christians
not pointing fingers but who do we trust .. WE have to be there for Children they have to know they are safe and they can talk to us .. how else will they
get out of messes .. IF we love God and we represent Jesus .. what are we doing ..Are we telling of his great love or are we showing of it ? Do you go
thru your day and look for someone you can help or are we in such pain of our own we cant help anyone else .. My years of abuse .. you can see them on me
but many you cant .. They are hiding it thur Drugs .. Sex .. abuse .. We have to be Jesus to them .. If you have been abused of any kind there is help
we have to let go to move on I have learned that wow it only took me 50 years .. I lost so much of this life .. I pray you don't if you are young .. there
is hope and let me tell you .. It was not your fault .. well I pray I have helped someone I know God had me tell this as it is not a subject I enjoy talking
on .. I do not tell for sympathy I tell to help others .. past is my past .. I live now yay .. God loves you and so do I .. love Betty feel free to write me
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWIMLOVER 4/4/2013 6:58PM

  Thank You for sharing your story with us.

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SABLENESS 4/3/2013 8:47PM

    I love the words from Isaiah, "Surely he has borne our grief and carried our sorrows." Thanks be to God that injury such as that are NOT the last word.

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JUDITH316 4/3/2013 5:10PM

    Thank you Betty for sharing your story, we have similar stories, I too learned so much from my grandmother, I thank God I am who I am today because of all the nurturing and caring my grandmother gave me, she loved me with the love of Jesus...You are an inspiration and a blessing here, keep on Shining for Jesus my friend... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MISTYRIOS 4/3/2013 12:01AM

    Thank you so much for sharing your story...it really puts things into perspective.
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TEALHAWK 4/2/2013 11:30PM

  I am glad we don't get abused by God. He loves us so much to die for us and Praise The LORD He is alive! and still loving us and wanting us to come to Him with all our problems

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CLPURNELL 4/2/2013 11:09PM

    emoticon

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PATRICIAAK 4/2/2013 8:46PM

    Christ is the great healer and forgiver.

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NEWFREEDOM4ME 4/2/2013 8:45PM

    Thank you for your courage to share your story and your feelings. emoticon

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LOOKINGUP2012 4/2/2013 8:30PM

    You are so right. Abuse shows but Christ can heal even that. I have to say I'm sorry for all the pain in your past. I'm so glad God healed your son and became real to you. I pray your story will reach someone else's pain today.

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AVANELL 4/2/2013 8:11PM

    Betty, thank you so much for sharing your story, as difficult as it was, in order to help others. May the Lord continue His healing, cleansing stream within you to cleanse, heal and restore your womanhood. And may He turn the ashes of your childhood into the beauty of a life restored to purity and wholeness! God bless you for your sensitivity to God's Spirit and your boldness to speak out when others would be silent!

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AWESOMECHELZ 4/2/2013 6:09PM

    Thanks for sharing your story of survival. I was abused as well and it takes time to heal. I am going to be 50 this month and it is the first time in my life that I feel okay, that I am an okay person. I know I am a child of God but that took years to filter in. We are not alone in our healing journey. AND, I am glad your son is okay.

Love, Chelsea emoticon
Leader of the team "Inner Healing - Sexual Abuse" in SP emoticon

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1PEACEBUNNY 4/2/2013 2:03PM

    Continue to let Christ speak through you this way. We all know he is alive but many turn a blind eye and refuse to acknowledge his entire presence. I am grateful for my life and the lives of people like you for I know everyday that it could be worse moreso than it could be better and that makes me grateful that I found God as a very small child cause my world has been better for it. You may bring someone to him today by sharing this testimony. emoticon

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VONBLACKBIRD 4/2/2013 1:51PM

    It is like peeling the layers of an onion to get the the heart of who we are. God bless you so much!!!

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JOHGLO2011 4/2/2013 1:18PM

    I am just thankful that you have moved on from the past and are willing to help others. It seems God has used you to stop that generation curse from being carried on in your family. So glad God is our comfort and strength! Bless you!

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JADOMB 4/2/2013 12:27PM

    So sorry for you and all else in your family that had to go through all this evilness. Sadly, it is not as uncommon as most folks wish to believe. And as the younger folks get more and more indoctinated into sex and God is being pushed out of our society, it will get even worse.

Your testimony may help many face this problem and hopefully escape from it. And as you know, God helped you through this and only he can truly help others conquer this evil. Without him, they are left to struggle on their own and that usually ends in failure. So let's pray they find God and allow him to help them fend off all the evil that is out there in this world. Keep the faith.

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LOSTLIME 4/2/2013 11:52AM

    For a long time, I thought that the sexual abuse I remembered was a figment of my imagination. But as I got older, I realized that I remembered too many tiny details of things for it to be imagination. The person who did this to me was a family member;
someone I looked up to and loved. For many years this hurt my relationship with my husband. I would keep part of myself apart from him. Wouldn't let him love me as he should. I finally realized that I had to talk to someone about this. I have since then
asked the Lord to help me to forgive the person who did this to me. I have confronted this person and forgiven him. He is not a part of my life but he doesn't control it anymore either. My relationship with the Lord is so much better that it had been in the past. As for my relationship with my husband,he stayed by my side through it all. It is
so much stronger with the Lord's intervention and love.

Thank you for sharing your story. May God bless you.

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SANDRALEET 4/2/2013 10:58AM

    God worked with me one thing at a time He sent help in my path Councillors and after many years I got better All Well put I still have to work on the overeating part Take all the help you can you do not have to live like this Mine was abuses Saying I was dump and will never be worth any thing emotional neglect felt like an outsider in this world put God saved me and helped me He will help you to.

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EDITOR 4/2/2013 10:19AM

    I won't peg a sex either, Betty. Neither will I talk about sexual abuse as a child because it is such an old story. ---unless it brings a soul to Christ. BUT, sooooo many do need this for today! You will bring up many emotions on SP and on FB, online church, and wherever else your foot trods. May your readers realize that the devil takes us to extremes but Christ descended into hell to redeem us. Many people say, "I have been to hell and back", but only Christ Jesus did that to bring healing and salvation to all. May He continue to lift burdens through your testimony.

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ALISHAB3 4/2/2013 10:19AM

    Your biological donor did that to you. He did not serve as a Dad. A Dad is a person that cares about you and loves you and protects you. I'm sorry that this happened (it has happened to most of us, I learned in a psych class in college that 2 out of 3 girls have been sexually assaulted before their 18th birthday. The number only gets worse after that.) I don't know why this is allowed to happen. I don't understand it. I do understand about free will. What I don't understand is why someone else's free will is allowed to hurt someone who didn't choose to be abused. That one is beyond me.

The conclusion I came to many years ago is that many of us were orphaned when our caretakers decided to be abusers and to forfeit their role as our parents. They were there but they weren't living up to the contract, the covenant of parent and child was broken.

This piece of filth was not your father, your father was in Heaven the whole time.

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