Tuesday, April 02, 2013
8:07 AM 4/2/2013
Hi all ..
wow we are still here it amazes me .. I keep expecting Jesus to come get us in the night but it may be daylight who knows but God .. I just know everyday
I see more and more signs .. Today I felt the lord telling me to talk of my abuse .. It used to be so hard now it is easy .. I have let God heal me of
all the past .. As far back as I can remember I was sexually abused by my dad .. it was hard .. I also had 2 other men do the same .. So you can imagine the
way my mind was messed up .. I can look back and I know I used food .. I was told if I told they would kill me so I lived in fear and I grew up feeling that
something was wrong .. Why would your own dad do this to you as I grew older I just tried to survive .. so much of my life I was angry for many reasons ..
I would eat to stuff my feelings and then I had weight issues .. So I stuffed anger .. Im sure I was depressed I look back and I would sleep all weekends alot
I would dream of a life that was not like the one I was in .. Then I got older and I finally talked to my older sister see I thought it was just me but
it wasn't .. My dad was molesting both of my other sisters to .. So we confronted him .. I became the bold Child .. My mom was in Calif because my grandpa
her dad had surgery and she stayed there for 2 or so months don't remember .. but we decided now is the time .. So after talking to him he cried and confessed
that his dad had raped all his sisters night after night and made him watch .. I never asked him if he raped him honest I just wanted to get that over .. but
he said he would just kill his self .. I said ya go ahead .. we are the ones who will have to live with all this and figure it out .. so he didn't we just told
him stay away from all of us .. and he did .. But I have no idea who else he did that to as I was only 10 at the time .. but I grew up so angry .. I felt
we could not talk to our mom .. She didn't protect us she never knew she said later when I was married and had both my kids she found out more on that later
but growing up I decided men wanted only one thing .. sex .. and I didn't like them .. so I had a few lesbian affairs .. didn't work for me .. ya i am sure i shocked a few people ... I would go out
with guys and they of course did what I felt they wanted so I got to where I was mean .. I would let them take me out and I would get them to a point and
say take me home .. yes mean .. but I felt the deserved it .. I was a pretty girl I walked at that time daily and my body was so cute .. and boy did I use
it .. I met a man who I decided I would marry I just wanted out of the house .My mom worked all the time I had to do all the house work my older sister was
married so I determined to marry him and I did .. and it was a bad marriage after we were married he turned in to a control freak .. wouldn't let me take
birth control so on .. I got pregnant and had my first child at 15 due to that .. So be careful what you ask for you might get it .. Well I had been told there
is a God I just wondered where he was .. all my life I had watched my Grandma .. and I so loved her .. I loved both my Grandparents but I connected with
Grandma .. She was a Christan and she talked a lot about Jesus and God and I would listen I went to some Sunday school once in awhile growing up and there
was a time my family went to church some but nothing I can really remember .. but I watched my Grandma .. and Kept hearing about this God and Jesus ..
So when my son was around 3 we rode horses I trained my own .. she was awesome .. I worked and stayed at home the Saturday my x took my son to the arena to ride
well I have no idea what he was thinking but he had him on my horse ... and someone let my horse out of the arena .. which was across a highway to the
barn .. next thing I know my x is bringing him in and he is crying and I see blood everywhere .. I took him to the tub turned the water on to wash his
head off and I almost passed out grabbed him and we were off to the Hospital .. I was scared to death .. I remember praying .. then they told me they had
to take him to a hospital 2 hours away that they did not have surgeons to do this .. so I rode in the ambulance and I prayed and prayed .. when we got there
me and my son they took him and showed me the waiting room .. I went in there and I had my first experience with God .. I said God I know I have no right
to ask this of you but if you will make things right I will turn my life over to you and live for you .. Well I had a peace come on me I have never felt
before it just was the most assuring thing and God said Betty he will be alright .. And not long after a Doctor came out and told me .. your son is ok
it like a fraction like a hair touching his brain .. later we went to where he had fell off my horse and found a piece of metal and he had hit his head on
it .. Well That was my first encounter with God .. I will tell more of my life tomorrow come back for some more of the Truths I went thru .. What I want
to tell you is if you have been abused in your life of any kind reach out .. tell someone .. you know I was in my 50s when God showed me to let it go ..
I felt I had to have a man in my life because wasn't sex love .. .. No let me help you sex is not love .. Love has sex in it .. but it is not love ..
sex can be used so wrongly .. This world is getting so bad men or women .. I wont peg a sex ... they use Children come on I was maybe 3 when I was sexually
abused who could want a child at that age a innocent child .. you have to be messed up to want that .. If I had someone I could have talked to anyone ..
my life could have been so different .. if Someone had even been bolder about Jesus .. I loved my Grandma but didn't see her often where were the Christians
not pointing fingers but who do we trust .. WE have to be there for Children they have to know they are safe and they can talk to us .. how else will they
get out of messes .. IF we love God and we represent Jesus .. what are we doing ..Are we telling of his great love or are we showing of it ? Do you go
thru your day and look for someone you can help or are we in such pain of our own we cant help anyone else .. My years of abuse .. you can see them on me
but many you cant .. They are hiding it thur Drugs .. Sex .. abuse .. We have to be Jesus to them .. If you have been abused of any kind there is help
we have to let go to move on I have learned that wow it only took me 50 years .. I lost so much of this life .. I pray you don't if you are young .. there
is hope and let me tell you .. It was not your fault .. well I pray I have helped someone I know God had me tell this as it is not a subject I enjoy talking
on .. I do not tell for sympathy I tell to help others .. past is my past .. I live now yay .. God loves you and so do I .. love Betty feel free to write me