Tuesday, April 02, 2013
Got up and GOT ON THE SCALE. oy. i knew it would be up. but one is never really ready for the bad news that comes with repeated eating-my-feelings. . . . which i've been doing for a coupla weeks off and on but mostly on.
Up 6 lbs. Crap. And ah well...
Ah well. Yep. It happens... to lots of people. And... armed again with my morning shakes and a sparky attitude (gotta get online every day maybe?).... i am going to take that 6 off.
That's 'the new me'-- It's not that I'll never gain weight, it's that I take action to maintain... which means when I'm up I dial back and get back to basics.
AND.... I have ED feelings about all of this that don't quite fit into the above declaration. I have stress(ors) that I've been eating through... which means I need to do something else with that stress.
Months of struggle... Relationship struggles.... This MOVE to unknown destination... Packing 20 years of stuff....
I HAVE some attachment disorders. I have huge anxiety of the UNKNOWN.
Through out my life I have chosen THE KNOWN THING over the unknown thing... EVEN when it has made my life smaller. And I see it. And I don't know if I can change it. This lack of experience taking risks, this lack of experience jumping-in... this lack of experience... starkly aware of it as my skillsets and toolboxes show their LACK.. even as I must now embrace ABUNDANCE.
Portability. Mutability. Mortality. Possibility. Squared.
Therapy with Niquie was good again. Lots of talk about my relationship with Joe. And my family of autonomous floating other people -- my fantasies of the past as it might have been different (or not, according to her)...
Negative posture or languaging is a dial-in attitude that manages Lack, adapts to Lack, Invites Lack, is a coping skill to deal with Lack... even while complaining about it.
"What you focus on is what you get".
We learn that here in Sparkville especially. GOALS and Positive Attitude.... is what carries us happily forward at whatever speed.
The speed of my road toward a new home, or as guest in the homes of others... is daunting.
The speed of maintaining Food/Exercise Routines.... is a comfort I CHOOSE TODAY (it is a smaller focus.... details.... and I need it today).
Routine. Is not smallness. Is it? It can be, but doesn't have to be.
THere is enough chaos in my world. Letting my food choices become chaos is TOO UNSETTLING too dangerous.
Onward and Downward.
Look out SIX ... You are out a here.....