Monday, April 01, 2013
I am having a D & C and hysteroscopy. Possible cystoscopy too today. This alone has brought up so much past pain. I thought I had already healed this but it raised its head once again. All the brainwashing I had as a child came right up. I was not afraid of the surgery or the big C word. NOOO. I was afraid that when she looked inside with the scope she would see that I was bad and dirty. Can you believe this?? I had it drilled in my head as a little child that if anyone would find out what I did or see inside that they would hate me, lock me up or even kill me.
I was so petrified at the thought of everyone finding out what I did. WHAT I DID??? I GOT IT WRONG!!! WHAT THEY FORCED ME TO DO!!! IS MORE LIKE IT!
but 50 years later, I still feel the guilt and shame connected to that part of my body. So afraid that the truth would come out as to how bad I am. That poor little girl inside me.
Dang.. this work is hard and no fun. Many tears and even new memories come up this month just preparing for tomorrow's surgery. My angel of a counselor even offered to go with me to the hospital if I wanted.
I feel so sad for the little hurt Jetta. for all the lies they told me, my own parents told me and blamed me for all their stuff. Instilled in me all their guilt and shame NOT MINE!
So we are changing things up. As I talked to my surgeon, told her my fears and that I will imagine that she is scraping out all the guilt and shame as she does the surgery. That might in fact be what is inside, not cancer cells but guilt and shame I am still holding on to, hiding.
Oh and it just happens to be 16 years after my last child. My son's 16th birthday. What perfect timing is that?
I also am having major oral surgery 2 days later so I don't have to take any more time off of work. I am also imagining them to scrape out all the lies, filth and things they crammed down my throat over the years.
I truly do love and forgive my parents. I don't want this to be a negative blog but a blessed one. A healing, a growth, a love of live and letting go of negative feelings and thoughts.
This will be a great Blessing and I am feeling so happy and calm right now about it. Instead of the fear and all this past month knowing what was to come.
I am truly blest, lucky and loved!!
It went well am just so very sore.
Now my oral surgery tomorrow and I will be done