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I am having surgery today

Monday, April 01, 2013

I am having a D & C and hysteroscopy. Possible cystoscopy too today. This alone has brought up so much past pain. I thought I had already healed this but it raised its head once again. All the brainwashing I had as a child came right up. I was not afraid of the surgery or the big C word. NOOO. I was afraid that when she looked inside with the scope she would see that I was bad and dirty. Can you believe this?? I had it drilled in my head as a little child that if anyone would find out what I did or see inside that they would hate me, lock me up or even kill me.

I was so petrified at the thought of everyone finding out what I did. WHAT I DID??? I GOT IT WRONG!!! WHAT THEY FORCED ME TO DO!!! IS MORE LIKE IT!

but 50 years later, I still feel the guilt and shame connected to that part of my body. So afraid that the truth would come out as to how bad I am. That poor little girl inside me.

Dang.. this work is hard and no fun. Many tears and even new memories come up this month just preparing for tomorrow's surgery. My angel of a counselor even offered to go with me to the hospital if I wanted.

I feel so sad for the little hurt Jetta. for all the lies they told me, my own parents told me and blamed me for all their stuff. Instilled in me all their guilt and shame NOT MINE!

So we are changing things up. As I talked to my surgeon, told her my fears and that I will imagine that she is scraping out all the guilt and shame as she does the surgery. That might in fact be what is inside, not cancer cells but guilt and shame I am still holding on to, hiding.

Oh and it just happens to be 16 years after my last child. My son's 16th birthday. What perfect timing is that?

I also am having major oral surgery 2 days later so I don't have to take any more time off of work. I am also imagining them to scrape out all the lies, filth and things they crammed down my throat over the years.

I truly do love and forgive my parents. I don't want this to be a negative blog but a blessed one. A healing, a growth, a love of live and letting go of negative feelings and thoughts.

This will be a great Blessing and I am feeling so happy and calm right now about it. Instead of the fear and all this past month knowing what was to come.

I am truly blest, lucky and loved!!


It went well am just so very sore.

Now my oral surgery tomorrow and I will be done
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JIBBIE49
    Louise Hays in her book "YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE" talks about her sexual abuse and how MANY woman have cancer or other problems in their womb because of all the guilt. You should READ her book

    1780 days ago
    I am so sorry you have so much health issues ahead of you. Prayers are with you to heal quickly. I know it'll all come out better in the long run for you.
    1780 days ago
    Love you Jetta!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1780 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/10/2013 7:09:44 AM
    Dear glad you came to terms with all of hard was that? Oh, my, you poor little Jetta....I'm sure I still have some of it myself to deal with, as I still am feeling a bit un-emotional about it....I think I have dealt with it, but after hearing your stuff, now am wondering....
    Glad the op went well, hope the oral one did too....sorry I couldn't send Love & Healing to you, I could have put your name under my Crystal Grid too...sigh, Ah well, I thought I had asked Sparks for an email when ever you posted a blog...maybe it runs out if you are like me & don't blog much, who has the time? lol...I am so feeling for you right now, even though it's all over....
    Still, sending you lots of Love & Light, Love you so much, honey....I've missed my Spark family, I have been so busy pursuing my spiritual path, doing lots of reading on line & excuse, must make time for you all once just means I am not doing my job, either, offering my self for service, too, as I usually do...maybe that's why I haven't been looking after myself, hey! ? Cause I feel guilty about not being of service....
    Well, dear...thanks for all your support, just sorry I wasn't there for you in your hour of need....sigh...remember, the song? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger?

    Sending much Love & Light to you...

    Sylvia xx

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    1780 days ago
    I'm sorry this is Thursday and not Monday ...I would be sending you all you need today .. but .. by now your surgery is history ... and all that you have kept pent up inside is history .. removed and reshaped into beautiful stepping stones to mark your path into the future.
    The lessons we charted to expand our souls are never meant to hurt us or to take away from this life .. I know this was the final process to allow you to put the past where it belongs .. and like the beautiful butterfly you are .. emerge wings, heart and soul glistening in the light and love of God .. Mother and Father .. know you are loved .. know that every cell of your being!!
    If we all take a little of your pain it is gone .. never ever to return .. that is the power we all have and I thank you for always putting others first .. this is your turn and time for us to help you Dear Jetta xoxoxo emoticon
    1786 days ago
    Postive thoughts are going out to you. emoticon
    1787 days ago
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    1788 days ago
    Don't forget about the miracles that blessed your womb Jetta. They are beautiful gifts.
    Wishing you well on your surgery.
    emoticon & emoticon for a quick recovery.
    1788 days ago
    Thinking of you and sending lots of light. I'm glad you have such supportive care givers. I think it's apt that its happening on your sons birthday. That's a beautiful reminder of the wonder and beauty your body created and nurtured inside and out. May your healing continue.
    1788 days ago
    I wish I could give you a real hug,
    but I'm sending you lots emoticon

    I feel so sorry for the young Jetta,
    but hope this is in some way healing for the big Jetta

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    1788 days ago
    I pray you have a successful procedure and try to remember to breathe. I know that saying your past is not your fault doesn't help, but, I do hope you can somehow turn this into an empowering situation for yourself.
    1788 days ago
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