I'm falling asleep as I type this.
Monday, April 01, 2013
Today, when I looked in the mirror at the gym, I thought that maybe I look a little different. Like maybe my butt is a bit smaller. And my belly seems a little smaller. I think my boobs might be too. Eh. You take the good, you take the bad.
So here are some numbers. Since March 12, I am down 4.5 pounds, I have gone from 39% fat to 37%. I've lost 2 inches in my waist, and 1.5 inches my my hips. I haven't been measuring my chest, but I think I might start doing that. I'm starting to see it. My clothes are looser, but I've been just chalking that up to wishful thinking. Now I have proof for myself. I think I'm most excited about the reduction in the body fat %. To lose weight and % means I'm doing what I need to be doing - losing the fat. Yay!
I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow night because I was pretty worthless today. I need to make a new batch of chicken, I want to try the pork tenderloin again. I'll have extra dishes to do because I didn't do any tonight. Yeah, basically, I did nothing tonight so I'll have double-work tomorrow.
I did strength train and I'm happy with how that's going. Tomorrow is running and I'm actually looking forward to it. It's funny how much my life has changed. I used to be busy all the time and always had plans with people. Now I look forward to going to the gym and cooking.
I've been waking up early lately but I usually just lay in bed until I HAVE to get up.This morning I actually got up early and it was great.
Tonight I talked to Dan. I don't think I mentioned here, but the reason I think I screwed things up with him is because while I was visiting him on the previous weekend, I told him I loved him. He got all bent out of shape and said it was way too soon for that. And he's never said it in any less than a year and a half. So last week, he was super quiet and I gave him a bunch of space. Tonight I called him and tried my best to hash it out. I really wanted to visit and talk it out in person, but I wouldn't be able to visit for another week because of his schedule.
I was very honest and I told him how I feel. I considered trying to take it back, but I don't want to. I do love him, and if he leaves me, so be it. But I'm happier with him in my life. And I want him to know it. When I decided to make a true effort to try to find someone, I assumed I'd just have to settle in one way or another. But the only thing that is like settling with Dan is that he lives far away. And that can be overcome. Otherwise, he hits all the major points. He's not perfect, but there's always going to be some compromise. What a dream to not feel like I have to compromise on the big stuff!
Our talk was long and I still don't know how he feels. I don't think the "love" is much of an issue anymore, though I can't really tell. Right now he seems hung up on the distance. Though that seems like an excuse. The underlying thing he touched on after a whole lot of my rambling is that it seems to him in any relationship that when one person gets attached, the other tends to run away. I scoffed and said "So that's exactly what you're doing to me. I tell you I'm attached and so now you want to run away?" He didn't have much to say to that.
I think he's scared that if I learn much about him and the things he's been through, that I'll leave. I told him that I think it's insane that he's made it this far - that no other girls have snatched him up yet. And then I suggested that maybe the world was saving him for me. And he laughed and said if that's the case, the world has saved him from an awful lot just to be with me. I hope so. I hope he keeps this going.
I still don't know where we stand. I told him how much I want to be with him and how he makes my life so much better. But I also told him that he can't stay with me just because it makes me happy. He has do what makes him happy.
He told me I was really courageous. I'd have to agree with that because I was terrified to be as open and honest as I was, but I did it anyway. I want him to know all the stuff I'm thinking. I don't just want to be quickly dismissed. I think he's incredible in so many ways and he should know it. I don't just feel content to be with him, I feel lucky. it's something I've been hoping for since I actively threw myself into really trying to find my person. I also get the impression that he feels lucky to be with me.
But he's hung up on the distance, and put off by how quickly everything has gone so far. I told him to think about it and then I made him laugh before we said goodnight.
I so so so hope things go my way with him. I'm seriously crazy mad nuts about him.I don't want to go back to my life without him.