Monday, April 01, 2013
I am writing this on the evening of Easter. If you are looking for something inspiring and uplifting, look away. You aren't going to find it here today. Instead, you are going to find me going on in a depressed ramble. This is where I get to get things off my chest and (hopefully) move on.
Today, I hate myself. I am tired of being fat and I am tired of messing up all of the time. My weight rules my life. I try to put it aside and make like I can do anything. That isn't true, though. It is always there and I am beginning to realize that there are things I cannot do because of it. And furthermore, there is always a list of things I will do when I finally lose weight stored away in the back of my mind.
I think part of what has me so far down in the dumps today is in knowing what people think when they look at me. There are a lot of people out there with the tact to not say nasty things. No matter what, they cannot hide that look, though. You know the look. The one that says, "Eww, gross! How did she ever let herself get like that?" And, "She would lose the weight if only she would just not put the food into her mouth."
Oh my gosh! Why didn't I ever think of that?? If I just don't eat, I will lose the weight. Well then, that is that problem solved. Let's move on to the big problems in the world now.
WTF ever. If it was as easy as just deciding not to eat, I would be there already. Since I was about 8 or 9, all I ever wanted was to be thin. My family (OK, mostly my mother and a few of my siblings) made a point of instilling in my brain the fact that no one likes a fat girl. They also made sure that I knew that fat = ugly and fat = dumb. And most of society also seems to believe that fat = deaf with no feelings. Wow. Thoughts like that certainly lead to loads of self-confidence.
I think I have tried just about every diet known to man. I have also failed just about every diet known to man. I asked my doctor once to put me on a diet so I could lose weight. She sent me to a nutritionist and then pretty much told me to go join Weight Watchers then exercise. And then she pretty much told me to f**k off. Thanks for your help, doc. Great medical approach to the problem. Those are totally things I never would have thought to do ON MY OWN. And thanks for never following up on that issue just to make sure of my lack of success.
I also spent a few years working for a medical facility. The ironic thing is, the insurance offered by them did not cover weight management issues. If I so much as talked with my doctor about my weight or diet in a visit, insurance was not obligated to cover the visit. I would have to pay for the entire thing out of pocket (something I could not afford on the wages they were paying me). Also, their insurance did not cover visits with their own dietician. Can you say WTF??? Also, they had great prescription coverage. Only $4.00 per prescription, no matter what it was -- except, of course, prescription pertaining to diet and weight management.
There are a lot of people who say that insurance should not have to cover weight management issues. Why should everyone else have to pay for me being fat, right? Can anyone spot the problem with this picture? Weight issues are so interconnected with pretty much every other health issue out there. Diabetes? Check. Heart Disease? Check. Cancer? Check. Need I go on? Correct me if I am wrong here...Wouldn't it be less expensive to treat the problem rather than just the major issues to which it contributes? Seems like a no brainer to me.
Let's fast forward to the present. Still fat? Yep. Still hate myself because of it? Yep. Insurance still doesn't cover weight management? I'm going to guess no but I can't really say for sure because my insurance won't cover me because of my weight and we cannot afford the $600+ per month to add me to my husband's insurance. Result? I don't have any insurance and therefore, no medical care -- preventative or otherwise. Tick, tick, tick, anyone?
This has all become a vicious cycle. I hate myself because I am fat then I eat because I have no control when I am feeling low. Fatter and fatter and fatter.
In all honesty, I don't know where to go or what to do at this point. I tried to purge my house of unhealthy foods but that did not seem to work. I cannot expect my husband to give up his snacks because of me. Sometimes, I make up in my mind that this is going to be it. This is going to be the time when my resolve sticks and I finally move forward on the road to thin. And then there is horrible, twisted metal car accident and I am off on some other road, cruising with the top down, tossing back the neon orange cheezy poofs.
Anyway, that is my rant for today. I hate myself. If I could just eat vegetables or just not eat at all anymore, I would. I'm not asking to be as thin as the girls in the magazines. I just want to be healthy